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It's A New Year: Updates and Potential Revelations
7 years ago
Going to try to keep this from rambling too much and see how we do, but there's a lot of ground to cover. smile
First off, I want to thank all my new watchers and all those who favorited my uploads, particularly those including my own writing, of which there wasn't much this year, sadly. I never thought it would happen, but I passed 10,000 profile views and 2,000 favorites, along with 300 watchers (and moving at a really good pace to 400). Just three years ago, after having been on the site for nearly 9 years, I had no uploads, no journals, no favorites... and around 1,400 profile views. I've done a lot of catching up in the last three years, it seems! And I'm hoping to keep the momentum going by writing more in the coming future and staying involved. In fact, I plan on doing a raffle for a free story in celebration passing 10,000 profile views; I'll post a new journal specifically for that shortly, so keep an eye out.
2018 was... a bad year for me. The political climate here in the US was horrible (and that's all I'll say on that subject), and a growing discontent in my current work situation left me exhausted and stress most of the time, and dealing with far more health issues than I would care to list. I can only hope that 2019 will be better, but that will remain to be seen. I'll keep trudging forward at the very least, as I always do.
That leads to the 'potential revelations' I mentioned earlier. My closest friends know about these, and those who are around me online a fair amount and are perceptive enough may have picked up on them. The first one is that I deal with depression, and it's relatively severe. This year has been worst than previous years, I'll admit; I suspect the increasing stress hasn't helped. For those who have talked to me and noticed my sudden outbursts of sadness, note that it's not random and definitely not me just looking for attention or playing a game. If I'm crying in chat, there's a 99% chance I'm also crying in real life.
Related to that is my anxiety attacks. I started getting them about 10 years ago, right around the time I had my first sinus and esophageal issues (due to acid reflux). They have oscillated between happening only once in a while to several a week over those years, and the past few years they've been much worse. Explaining them to others seems to be harder than explaining depression; how do you explain a sudden irrational belief that you're suffocating, with your brain screaming at you that you're going to die? This is basically what I go through with them; sometimes they're relatively mild and short-lived, but I've had pretty severe ones, including one bad enough to send me to the ER. It was definitely a very low point of my life.
I'm mentioning all this (and potentially opening myself up to criticism) because in the past few years, I've gotten to know a lot more of you online and even in person, and I know that sometimes my strange mood swings seem confusing. I am truly sorry for that and understand fully why it can put some people off; it's even damaged friendships (which ironically usually makes the depression or anxiety even worse), and ended a few, which has been heartbreaking for me, as I treasure all my friends. To stem the inevitable questions of whether I've sought help for both, the answer is: partially. I've been given some medications in the past, but they really screwed with my emotional and mental states even more and I decided to no longer go that route. Psychiatric therapy is something I have considered, though I've not followed through with fully just yet, for reasons that are too complex to get into here.
What I do ask from others for all this is simply to be patient with me at times I seem to be a bit 'off'; it's not your fault, and honestly the thing that helps the most is just having an ear to listen to help me work my way through the rough times. Just having someone 'there' gives me a lot of strength to pull myself many of these times. If it does make anyone uncomfortable when they're conversing with me, please do let me know. I've lost too many friendships due to things not said; I'd rather find a way moving forward to prevent that.
Okay, enough downer talk, I do wish everyone a great and wonderful 2019! While I'm not making any resolutions for this year, I do hope to be writing a lot more than I have, and still hoping I might be able to find folks willing to commission me for my writing skills as I get a lot of positive feedback on it. Only time will tell! (But do let me know if you're interested via a note or something. ).
Happy New Year, everyone!
- Ken (Vaurien)
First off, I want to thank all my new watchers and all those who favorited my uploads, particularly those including my own writing, of which there wasn't much this year, sadly. I never thought it would happen, but I passed 10,000 profile views and 2,000 favorites, along with 300 watchers (and moving at a really good pace to 400). Just three years ago, after having been on the site for nearly 9 years, I had no uploads, no journals, no favorites... and around 1,400 profile views. I've done a lot of catching up in the last three years, it seems! And I'm hoping to keep the momentum going by writing more in the coming future and staying involved. In fact, I plan on doing a raffle for a free story in celebration passing 10,000 profile views; I'll post a new journal specifically for that shortly, so keep an eye out.
2018 was... a bad year for me. The political climate here in the US was horrible (and that's all I'll say on that subject), and a growing discontent in my current work situation left me exhausted and stress most of the time, and dealing with far more health issues than I would care to list. I can only hope that 2019 will be better, but that will remain to be seen. I'll keep trudging forward at the very least, as I always do.
That leads to the 'potential revelations' I mentioned earlier. My closest friends know about these, and those who are around me online a fair amount and are perceptive enough may have picked up on them. The first one is that I deal with depression, and it's relatively severe. This year has been worst than previous years, I'll admit; I suspect the increasing stress hasn't helped. For those who have talked to me and noticed my sudden outbursts of sadness, note that it's not random and definitely not me just looking for attention or playing a game. If I'm crying in chat, there's a 99% chance I'm also crying in real life.
Related to that is my anxiety attacks. I started getting them about 10 years ago, right around the time I had my first sinus and esophageal issues (due to acid reflux). They have oscillated between happening only once in a while to several a week over those years, and the past few years they've been much worse. Explaining them to others seems to be harder than explaining depression; how do you explain a sudden irrational belief that you're suffocating, with your brain screaming at you that you're going to die? This is basically what I go through with them; sometimes they're relatively mild and short-lived, but I've had pretty severe ones, including one bad enough to send me to the ER. It was definitely a very low point of my life.
I'm mentioning all this (and potentially opening myself up to criticism) because in the past few years, I've gotten to know a lot more of you online and even in person, and I know that sometimes my strange mood swings seem confusing. I am truly sorry for that and understand fully why it can put some people off; it's even damaged friendships (which ironically usually makes the depression or anxiety even worse), and ended a few, which has been heartbreaking for me, as I treasure all my friends. To stem the inevitable questions of whether I've sought help for both, the answer is: partially. I've been given some medications in the past, but they really screwed with my emotional and mental states even more and I decided to no longer go that route. Psychiatric therapy is something I have considered, though I've not followed through with fully just yet, for reasons that are too complex to get into here.
What I do ask from others for all this is simply to be patient with me at times I seem to be a bit 'off'; it's not your fault, and honestly the thing that helps the most is just having an ear to listen to help me work my way through the rough times. Just having someone 'there' gives me a lot of strength to pull myself many of these times. If it does make anyone uncomfortable when they're conversing with me, please do let me know. I've lost too many friendships due to things not said; I'd rather find a way moving forward to prevent that.
Okay, enough downer talk, I do wish everyone a great and wonderful 2019! While I'm not making any resolutions for this year, I do hope to be writing a lot more than I have, and still hoping I might be able to find folks willing to commission me for my writing skills as I get a lot of positive feedback on it. Only time will tell! (But do let me know if you're interested via a note or something. ).
Happy New Year, everyone!
- Ken (Vaurien)
As for the depression + anxiety double-whammy, chances are you're in good company when it comes to many of us here. I'm not sure if it's a "side effect" of having an artistic mind or what. Perhaps it's due to upbringings, past experience, or trauma. It's hard to say.
Do you think your depression and/or anxiety is situational or non-situational? (i.e. I'm sad or anxious for this reason, or I'm sad or anxious for no f---ing reason I can think of)
Oddly enough, KyleDragon wrote a very similar journal at almost the same time you did! It might be an interesting read for you. Of course it's always scary to totally open yourself up to revealing personal struggles like this, but honestly it's a lot better than suffering in silence!
However... there's nothing wrong with being forcibly silenced physically! You and I share a common interest there! MMPH! ^.=.^
For me, I've always been high strung, so when I finally got out into the 'real world', the stress has triggered some bad times for me over the years. As I'm no spring chicken any more, it's becoming more difficult to just shrug the feelings off and move forward, which sucks. My issues are most definitely situational, though; when things are fine, I'm usually quite happy. But stress is a strong trigger for it, especially nowadays.
I just read KyleDragon's post, and it definitely moved me. I've been hesitant to look for professional help, but maybe I need to stop hesitating and just go talk to someone.
And yes, being forcibly silenced physically is always a must.