Person: "Hey, do you want any of this?"

Zex: "Eh... I'd take some, but it's kinda hard to walk a few miles up the street with my hands full and hold a flashlight, heh heh..."

Person: "I'd give you a ride, but I close tonight, and I have to open in the morning..."

Zex: "Oh, that's cool. Eh... I think I'll take 2 or 3 of those..."




A few things:

--The thing they were asking about was food. And while I want to bring food to the house for the others to eat, I worry it's always too much of the same thing. And it really isn't the easiest having my hands full and holding a phone light.
Even so, because they are in boxes, I have to hold those boxes for miles. They often start to collapse under their own weight, and the box often has creases and bends that I fear compromise the food inside.


--I walk to work, which is anywhere between 2.5 and 3 miles, depending on which job I'm going to. It takes me anywhere between an hour and an hour and a half.
It really depends on how I'm feeling, what I'm carrying, the time of day and the climate outside. I am almost always carrying a book bag, but sometimes I go to the store and carry whatever groceries or water I can in there.
My bag, assuming I had went to the store, has sometimes weighed as much as 50 pounds.


--There are no streetlights on the road I walk for about 70 to 80% of the way, and no sidewalk for about 90% of it. I have to use a flashlight to see and hopefully be seen by others. I am mere inches from the edge of the road for at least half the walk.


--I have been doubling almost every day at both of my jobs all week. Meaning I'd go in to my first job in the morning, and get off at my other job often at close.
As I mentioned, I walk to work most of the time. That's to and from work.
Sometimes when I get off early enough from my first job, which only happened once this week unfortunately, I would walk back to the house, take care of my kids for a bit, sometimes wash clothes, clean the dishes, cook, do what I could basically, then walk to my other job.
Taking that into consideration, that's an easy 5-11 miles a day. That's just walking to and from work. This doesn't include any of the walking I do while at work. I don't sit down from the time I get up to go to work until the time I get back to the house.


--I'm not the best sleeper. I toss, I turn, I keep getting distracted, I often can't sleep for hours, I wake up at odd hours, and I often itch. It doesn't help that there are always 3 people sleeping on the bed (me and my kids).
Even worse that they often need to go out at odd hours of the night and morning. I can think about going to bed at 11pm, finally go at 2am, finally get to sleep at 3:30am, wake up at 4am to pee or check on my kids, sleep at 4:30am, wake up at 6am to take my kids out, sleep at 7:45am, wake up at 8:15am to pee and get some water, go to sleep at 8:30am, then have to get up at 8:35am for work.
Too many times I was just too tired and would lay back down. I meant to leave at 9am or 9:30am to walk to work, but I ended up leaving at 10am or even 10:30am a couple of times this week. I wouldn't get to the house until 11:35pm.


--The people who often keep making all these excuses get a few more dollars of pay, an easy 2x to 3x my amount of hours, have been promoted a couple of times, yet are often on their phones, sitting down, taking "paid breaks" every so often, and often go out.
Out with friends, out with mates, out to see the world or something, I don't know. When I go out... well, I'll just say that it isn't quite like the way it is with others.
Not to mention, I don't know how to explain it, but 90% of the time I'm off or have several hours to myself to do whatever until work, it's raining or bad weather outside. It feels like even the world itself is against me some days...





--...On average, it takes 7 minutes to give me a ride from work to the house. This includes waiting on a couple of street / stop lights and driving slightly under the speed limit while behind other cars. It can be a fairly easy 5 minute drive though.




So many people have a dumb excuse as to why they can't do something so simple. There's always a high level of snark, sarcasm, guilt tripping, sad stories, random attitude, passive aggressiveness, rage, and several other things.
I just said forget it long ago. Don't worry about a ride, don't worry about a gift, don't worry about any "special days". You don't have to "put in a good word" for me. Don't bother "working your magic". Most of the time, it's just a lie to get me to walk away anyway.
Just put it out of your mind. If you don't want to do it, I won't make you feel bad for it [like the way you do to me].
I don't need a gift, I don't need you to pay for me or pay me back, and I can walk using my own two feet. I've been doing it for decades. What's another day, eh?






I.... have been feeling really off today. Really sad earlier and I can't really explain it. I started thinking about something, then started getting bad intrusive thoughts again. Been thinking *those* thoughts again, even though I don't want to.
Have been crying and almost bawwing (never used that word before, I don't think), and trying to hold it in. Was strange. Even stranger that it wasn't just for a few minutes or about an hour, but lasted all day.

Not really up for much of anything. Wasn't anyway, I'm kind of tired. My eyelids are always so heavy...
I just kind of want to play a game or something. I'd go to YouTube, but I get bombarded with so many suggestions on videos that are always so negative, or always on and on about some other person, or something that doesn't interest me.
I just want to smile right now. I just want to laugh. I just want to get rid of these thoughts and this bad feeling and just not worry anymore today. I want that before I go to bed.




Bleh. Sorry. Being weird again...
Maybe some Game Grumps and a couple of games on Steam will help.
...I should hug my kids more.