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7 years ago
Scribbling nonsense all across the board like jaguars leaping from trees of leather bodices encasing aged withered corpses whose eyes dazzle with the light of one million and three silver satellites flying over Los Angeles hiding illegal immigrants from Irish potato farms built atop the golden ruins of El Dorado filled with demonic Ewoks hurling tremendous tankards of tons of Tylenol at the panda bear ninjas that hide around every corner of the magic square building trying desperately to pull up its skirt and set roots on another cubic square inch of the board upon which I am scribbling nonsense.
Been a week since that last journal, two weeks since the one before, and I haven't really done a whole lot.
I want to say that I very much am aware of and appreciate the people who do show their affection and consideration for me. A lot of people responded to the Christmas journal and I didn't respond to any of them individually but I'm still thankful for those words.
I just get angry about how these things always seem to turn out and every now and then it comes to a point where I can't take it anymore. Problem with venting like this is that the people who aren't paying attention to me are going to keep on not noticing any kind of unspecific announcement while I'm just coming off as ungrateful to those who do take the time to look at it.
My frustration is not just a matter of having relationships with singular people as much as it is whole groups. I am involved with a number of groups of people, people who interact with each other and are easily recognized, and no matter what I do I never feel like I'm truly a part of that same connection, I'm just watching all of them from the sidelines.
I struggle to think of reasons to put as much effort as I do into reaching out to others when I so rarely get any kind of reaction.
I want to say that I very much am aware of and appreciate the people who do show their affection and consideration for me. A lot of people responded to the Christmas journal and I didn't respond to any of them individually but I'm still thankful for those words.
I just get angry about how these things always seem to turn out and every now and then it comes to a point where I can't take it anymore. Problem with venting like this is that the people who aren't paying attention to me are going to keep on not noticing any kind of unspecific announcement while I'm just coming off as ungrateful to those who do take the time to look at it.
My frustration is not just a matter of having relationships with singular people as much as it is whole groups. I am involved with a number of groups of people, people who interact with each other and are easily recognized, and no matter what I do I never feel like I'm truly a part of that same connection, I'm just watching all of them from the sidelines.
I struggle to think of reasons to put as much effort as I do into reaching out to others when I so rarely get any kind of reaction.
It is, admittedly, very difficult to join groups of people that already know each other. There is a certain sense of community that becomes more and more difficult to establish yourself in as time goes by. This, unfortunately, is very difficult to deal with. Starting communities of your own with people you already know and think might get along can work, but it depends on a lot of factors.
My advice, it isn't easy, it worked for me and I slip up every now and again. Dont do things to get noticed by others, or to earn the grace of people. Do things because you want to do them. Its the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation that really helped me.
Something else that also helped me, try to make something of your real life if you can/ havent yet. The internet, for me anyways, cant be my main place anymore. I can certainly come here every now and again, knowing Ive made some damn good friends, but theres a special, different connection to what you do in the real world.
The advice is weird, Ill admit. I just hope whatever happens, you come out of it okay, man.