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What I want for 2019
7 years ago
Personal journal and a bit of a vent incoming.
This year has started with a lot in a low point. Been barely breaking even for the past several months. My job has me working overnight and it's been really rough, especially on my mind. I'm not a fully nocturnal creature by nature, even though I often am up until fairly late. It has also been leaving a void due to my want/need to use my hands to do something visible and tangible. While I had some means to work around that quirk, it has become rather impossible to do pretty much everything that was some form of building project due to space alone. There is no room to build even a simple 1/144 scale High Grade OZ-06 Leo Gunpla when nearly the whole of my living space is a single, small bedroom.
My life relationship wise has been poor since before I left my last home. Only a few months after that it basically died. My so-called wife has put no effort into anything on her end of things. No calls to see how I am. No Christmas or Birthday wishes. Only demands to know if I will pay bills or give her money. Even before leaving it felt like I had to always make her happy or cater to her wants. If I had a bad day, her's was always, somehow worse. If my day was good, she would just dump how hers was not and expected me to make it better, often with a needless purchase. Intimacy... I got more from my own hands after the first year. (Sorry if that is a bit TMI.) What really began pushing me away and making me feel used was how often I was subjected to "do you love me?" It was either was always came before asking me to buy or pay for something, often of no importance to even have, no matter what bills might be near due or came up during arguments like not giving in to her tears and screaming meant I didn't care for her at all. There were a number of times she accused me of cheating. Some of the eatly ones I took as being some insecurity from her past boyfriends that did so. The later ones I began to wonder where they came from. I was working two jobs to make ends meet before while she had none. After managing to get her to finally start working, I had to keep both jobs cuz she would spend all her pay on pointless junk or more pieces of makeup when she already had enough for 10 sets of whatever.
As things stand, I am divorced and single in all but the costly legal sense. I constantly wonder when she will decide to drop it on me or suddenly drop in on me. I'd rather just have the papers show up, sign them, and be done with it. She can go find another to feed into her delusions or just go to the guy I'm sure she'd rather have considering how she went on about him. I wasn't her desire. I was just what was settled for.
Moving on from here, I want a better living situation. As cool as my roommate is, we're both sick of the cramped space and the lazy jackass landlord. I want to like the face I see in the mirror. No more wanting to punch myself or feeling worthless. I want to make at least one of my student loans disappear this year. Get that paid off and gone. I need to get my car insured again. Tags are due this month too.
Got a few nice maybes I want to throw out there. I have a right to be selfish with the hell it feels like I'm in. I want a Swith with Smash Ultimate and Breath of the Wild. I'd love a nice Cintiq and a proper desktop. My laptop is working very well, but it's still only a laptop. I don't dare try to heavily game or consider rendering in 3D on it. I want to feel like I can have real love again. Find that girl I can love on, be truely me with, tease and have fun with, make me want to shower her with affections of all kinds. Show my works to without worry of being overly judged if I happen to be sketching some busty female in any situation like I'd rather have what I drew over the real woman I'm with. I want to be able to have game time and not get griped at cuz my full attention is not on her. I'll close it down if asked, if I'm able to. I won't just leave a raid party right in the middle of an encounter without a good reason. It's considered highly rude. Some games even have penalties for doing that, like the competetive playlist in Destiny 2 or all of Gundam Battle Operation 2.
Sorry to get so wordy. Like I mentioned, this is a bit of a vent as well as personal.
This year has started with a lot in a low point. Been barely breaking even for the past several months. My job has me working overnight and it's been really rough, especially on my mind. I'm not a fully nocturnal creature by nature, even though I often am up until fairly late. It has also been leaving a void due to my want/need to use my hands to do something visible and tangible. While I had some means to work around that quirk, it has become rather impossible to do pretty much everything that was some form of building project due to space alone. There is no room to build even a simple 1/144 scale High Grade OZ-06 Leo Gunpla when nearly the whole of my living space is a single, small bedroom.
My life relationship wise has been poor since before I left my last home. Only a few months after that it basically died. My so-called wife has put no effort into anything on her end of things. No calls to see how I am. No Christmas or Birthday wishes. Only demands to know if I will pay bills or give her money. Even before leaving it felt like I had to always make her happy or cater to her wants. If I had a bad day, her's was always, somehow worse. If my day was good, she would just dump how hers was not and expected me to make it better, often with a needless purchase. Intimacy... I got more from my own hands after the first year. (Sorry if that is a bit TMI.) What really began pushing me away and making me feel used was how often I was subjected to "do you love me?" It was either was always came before asking me to buy or pay for something, often of no importance to even have, no matter what bills might be near due or came up during arguments like not giving in to her tears and screaming meant I didn't care for her at all. There were a number of times she accused me of cheating. Some of the eatly ones I took as being some insecurity from her past boyfriends that did so. The later ones I began to wonder where they came from. I was working two jobs to make ends meet before while she had none. After managing to get her to finally start working, I had to keep both jobs cuz she would spend all her pay on pointless junk or more pieces of makeup when she already had enough for 10 sets of whatever.
As things stand, I am divorced and single in all but the costly legal sense. I constantly wonder when she will decide to drop it on me or suddenly drop in on me. I'd rather just have the papers show up, sign them, and be done with it. She can go find another to feed into her delusions or just go to the guy I'm sure she'd rather have considering how she went on about him. I wasn't her desire. I was just what was settled for.
Moving on from here, I want a better living situation. As cool as my roommate is, we're both sick of the cramped space and the lazy jackass landlord. I want to like the face I see in the mirror. No more wanting to punch myself or feeling worthless. I want to make at least one of my student loans disappear this year. Get that paid off and gone. I need to get my car insured again. Tags are due this month too.
Got a few nice maybes I want to throw out there. I have a right to be selfish with the hell it feels like I'm in. I want a Swith with Smash Ultimate and Breath of the Wild. I'd love a nice Cintiq and a proper desktop. My laptop is working very well, but it's still only a laptop. I don't dare try to heavily game or consider rendering in 3D on it. I want to feel like I can have real love again. Find that girl I can love on, be truely me with, tease and have fun with, make me want to shower her with affections of all kinds. Show my works to without worry of being overly judged if I happen to be sketching some busty female in any situation like I'd rather have what I drew over the real woman I'm with. I want to be able to have game time and not get griped at cuz my full attention is not on her. I'll close it down if asked, if I'm able to. I won't just leave a raid party right in the middle of an encounter without a good reason. It's considered highly rude. Some games even have penalties for doing that, like the competetive playlist in Destiny 2 or all of Gundam Battle Operation 2.
Sorry to get so wordy. Like I mentioned, this is a bit of a vent as well as personal.
