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An update on things, and a possible goodbye.
7 years ago
So this is the story of my life and the past 40 days.
My mom had a stroke on the 11th of december, that left her hemiplegic and with speech impairment. She now needs help with prettymuch everything, and I've tried my best to help her as best as I can. She is doing physiotherapy through out free health care, and is receiving some money as 'benefit' while she recovers. Altho that's far from being enough to keep this house running. She was the bread winner of this house, my stepfather being a sheperd of an evangelical church they made in what used to be our living room and my old room, and I helped as best I could.
I live with my mom, my stepfather, 3 dogs, a cat and a cockatiel. The pets aren't very expensive to upkeep, but the house itself is an entire different beast. Due to us living in this piss poor country, electricity for us is quite expensive, even tho our state has the second largest hidroelectric in the entire world. On top of that, my mom hired 'handymen' to build this house, and has done reforms in the structure a couple times. We ended with a busted wiring in the house, it goes through rebar, has no protection and is leaking. If you touch metal in some areas of the house, you get zapped.
I've argued about redoing the entire installation for years now, there was never enough money to go around, and every month we pay over 1.2k BRLS (about 300USD) to that scummy power company because of that. Just so you have an idea, minimun wage here is 980BRLS. SALARY.
On top of it all, the day after my mom had the stroke, my computer shat the bed. I knew it was coming, was planning for awhile to switch my processor and motherboard, since it was nearing 4 years of use. Of course it had to happen in the worst time possible.
It knocked me out of commission, unable to properly do commissions as the USB ports were shorting out. I debated getting just a replacement, but we couldnt find a same gen motherboard compatible with 4 memory sticks, so i'd have to downgrade to 8gigs OR buy two sticks of 8gigs. I decided, regretfully, to invest in something THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A SAFE ROUTE, and got an upgrade, brand new motherboard, processor and ram. (gigabyte mobo, intel core i5 and 2 sticks of ddr4 8gigs each)
Oh, how i regret that.
In my mind, buying a sidegrade to replace my motherboard would cost me about 1500BRLs, meaning i'd pay all of that to break even, and i wouldnt be able to sell my old parts. Upgrading i Spent 2700BRLs, and i could sell my parts for 700 or so. Sound investment in my head. EXCEPT EVERYTHING KEPT GOING WRONG.
First, they sold me a motherboard that WASNT ABLE TO SUPPORT 8TH GEN PROCESSORS.
Okay, we went back there and they gave me one that could for not extra cost.
THEN the blue screens started happening. At random I'd get BSODs.
-When CLICKING ON A TAB TO OPEN TWITTER.
-When verifying integrity of files of a game on steam.
-When playing a game.
-WHEN CALLING MICROSOFT OVER THE PHONE TO ACTIVATE WINDOWS KEY.
We formatted this bitch 3 times, till we bit the bullet and took it to the store to see if they could troubleshoot. Mind you, I ran a memory check and it said neither stick was faulty, and I was there when they did it too. Nevertheless, it stayed for the weekend, newyears. On the first they gave it back.
They said it was because 'the VGA wasn't properly screwed'. It was super nonsensical to me, but whatever. It was working. A game crashed but no BSOD. I thought my problems were over.
Started cranking drawings as best I could, putting things back on track. Did several Sketch Streams, many of you were wonderful and tipped me so much it helped a ton. I did groceries, got my mom a wheelchair, trying my best to hold the fort, literally fueling this house by drawing DICKS. I dared have hope.
Then the 10th came, the electricity bill arrived. 1220.00BRLS. Jesus. I can't pay for my pc, pay for groceries and everything else, AND deal with this. But i tried. And in 2 days I made 70% of that, mostly due to the kindness of one commissioner who tipped me SO MUCH but I'd better not mention here for his safety, but you know who you are, and thank you so much.
Around the 11th, I did a direct X update, as i tried playing a game that required that (needed to unwind some). It Downloaded some service packs, and things were seemingly ok. Well, Game was crashing. Constantly and at random, whenever going back and forth into missions. OK maybe its just the game. Intensity got worse over the days.
Updated NVIDIA through NVIDIA experience. Today too. I tried running an integrity check to see if it was alright. WHILE WAITING FOR THE INTEGRITY CHECK, I CLICKED ON A VIDEO ON TWITTER AND BAM.
BSOD. Memory_management. Just like before.
My heart sunk, "mother fucker, it had to be the VGA" i took it off. Plugged the onboard in. ran the game like a PSOne game, but it ran. It crashed on a misssion "Hmm... maybe it crashed cuz its a large map and my processor can't handle it" did a small map one, one of the starters areas, and BAM. BSOD.
So it can't be the VGA.
Right now I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid to draw. I noticed something weird with my canvases on CSP, my files kept error-ing like this
https://1drv.ms/u/s!AhdB0DqIeY8SmCClw5_DLqTBM4YR
ever since i got my pc back from the store. "Maybe it was a CSP update or something". The files still opened, and I could merge the 'defective layers' into blank new one and it would stop doing that.
Talking with TI savvy people, i was told that:
-Its a Faulty Mem Stick
-Your mobo is having trouble dealing with memory
-It can be too much stress to your Power Supply
-your mobo is defective
-Incompatibility
I'm at a loss. I'm scared to start a stream or draw and have something go wrong. I'm scared of taking it back to the store and have em sort out this mess and be knocked out of commission for even more days, as i'll not be able to draw and make the money to pay the bills.
My own health has been at an all time low. I've had panic attacks that leave me with erratic heart beats WHILE SLEEPING waking up with it racing and leaving arrithmia as it steadies down. And if i went back to sleep, the arrithmia would PERSIST TILL MORNING and well into the ER.
Every night for the past month I've gone to bed wondering if my stepfather will still be there, if he hasnt just skipped town. Every night i wonder if i'll wake in the middle of the night with my heart beating like it shouldnt, theres not a single day in the past month i havent had dark thoughts.
On top of all that, my dad found out the secrets I've been keeping. An aunt told him I was moody, and didn't want to see doctors, he asked me why, I told him I couldn't because I can't drive there. He asked me what happened to my car and all the money I had, and I couldnt tell him I was sitting on it, so I told him something I was keeping secret for some years:
I spent everything I had, to help my mom. Either to keep the house running, Or on enterpreneuship attempts. My stepfather tried many times to open busynesses, and they all failed. And over the years, the money I had saved simply wasted away.
It didn't go well. There was a reason why I never told him that.
Seeing all this, its rough to feel im not a burden than anything else. Recent interchanges made me realize that i'm nothing beyond my ability to draw, poorly at that, what i draw. Nothing much besides that.
I feel helpless, lost and absolutely hopeless. This might be it, I say this because I don't think I can dig myself out of this mess. That I can't help my mom in her time of need.
The only thing left is to take it back to the store again. I wish I could ask for a refund. I wanna scream. I wanna cry. I really don't know what to do.
If I can't make it back, I guess this is as good as a goodbye I can leave. I ran out of time. What I did wasn't enough.
Sorry If I wronged any of you somehow. Sorry for not doing better. Wish I could have done more, knowing nothing I ever did would be enough.
My mom had a stroke on the 11th of december, that left her hemiplegic and with speech impairment. She now needs help with prettymuch everything, and I've tried my best to help her as best as I can. She is doing physiotherapy through out free health care, and is receiving some money as 'benefit' while she recovers. Altho that's far from being enough to keep this house running. She was the bread winner of this house, my stepfather being a sheperd of an evangelical church they made in what used to be our living room and my old room, and I helped as best I could.
I live with my mom, my stepfather, 3 dogs, a cat and a cockatiel. The pets aren't very expensive to upkeep, but the house itself is an entire different beast. Due to us living in this piss poor country, electricity for us is quite expensive, even tho our state has the second largest hidroelectric in the entire world. On top of that, my mom hired 'handymen' to build this house, and has done reforms in the structure a couple times. We ended with a busted wiring in the house, it goes through rebar, has no protection and is leaking. If you touch metal in some areas of the house, you get zapped.
I've argued about redoing the entire installation for years now, there was never enough money to go around, and every month we pay over 1.2k BRLS (about 300USD) to that scummy power company because of that. Just so you have an idea, minimun wage here is 980BRLS. SALARY.
On top of it all, the day after my mom had the stroke, my computer shat the bed. I knew it was coming, was planning for awhile to switch my processor and motherboard, since it was nearing 4 years of use. Of course it had to happen in the worst time possible.
It knocked me out of commission, unable to properly do commissions as the USB ports were shorting out. I debated getting just a replacement, but we couldnt find a same gen motherboard compatible with 4 memory sticks, so i'd have to downgrade to 8gigs OR buy two sticks of 8gigs. I decided, regretfully, to invest in something THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A SAFE ROUTE, and got an upgrade, brand new motherboard, processor and ram. (gigabyte mobo, intel core i5 and 2 sticks of ddr4 8gigs each)
Oh, how i regret that.
In my mind, buying a sidegrade to replace my motherboard would cost me about 1500BRLs, meaning i'd pay all of that to break even, and i wouldnt be able to sell my old parts. Upgrading i Spent 2700BRLs, and i could sell my parts for 700 or so. Sound investment in my head. EXCEPT EVERYTHING KEPT GOING WRONG.
First, they sold me a motherboard that WASNT ABLE TO SUPPORT 8TH GEN PROCESSORS.
Okay, we went back there and they gave me one that could for not extra cost.
THEN the blue screens started happening. At random I'd get BSODs.
-When CLICKING ON A TAB TO OPEN TWITTER.
-When verifying integrity of files of a game on steam.
-When playing a game.
-WHEN CALLING MICROSOFT OVER THE PHONE TO ACTIVATE WINDOWS KEY.
We formatted this bitch 3 times, till we bit the bullet and took it to the store to see if they could troubleshoot. Mind you, I ran a memory check and it said neither stick was faulty, and I was there when they did it too. Nevertheless, it stayed for the weekend, newyears. On the first they gave it back.
They said it was because 'the VGA wasn't properly screwed'. It was super nonsensical to me, but whatever. It was working. A game crashed but no BSOD. I thought my problems were over.
Started cranking drawings as best I could, putting things back on track. Did several Sketch Streams, many of you were wonderful and tipped me so much it helped a ton. I did groceries, got my mom a wheelchair, trying my best to hold the fort, literally fueling this house by drawing DICKS. I dared have hope.
Then the 10th came, the electricity bill arrived. 1220.00BRLS. Jesus. I can't pay for my pc, pay for groceries and everything else, AND deal with this. But i tried. And in 2 days I made 70% of that, mostly due to the kindness of one commissioner who tipped me SO MUCH but I'd better not mention here for his safety, but you know who you are, and thank you so much.
Around the 11th, I did a direct X update, as i tried playing a game that required that (needed to unwind some). It Downloaded some service packs, and things were seemingly ok. Well, Game was crashing. Constantly and at random, whenever going back and forth into missions. OK maybe its just the game. Intensity got worse over the days.
Updated NVIDIA through NVIDIA experience. Today too. I tried running an integrity check to see if it was alright. WHILE WAITING FOR THE INTEGRITY CHECK, I CLICKED ON A VIDEO ON TWITTER AND BAM.
BSOD. Memory_management. Just like before.
My heart sunk, "mother fucker, it had to be the VGA" i took it off. Plugged the onboard in. ran the game like a PSOne game, but it ran. It crashed on a misssion "Hmm... maybe it crashed cuz its a large map and my processor can't handle it" did a small map one, one of the starters areas, and BAM. BSOD.
So it can't be the VGA.
Right now I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid to draw. I noticed something weird with my canvases on CSP, my files kept error-ing like this
https://1drv.ms/u/s!AhdB0DqIeY8SmCClw5_DLqTBM4YR
ever since i got my pc back from the store. "Maybe it was a CSP update or something". The files still opened, and I could merge the 'defective layers' into blank new one and it would stop doing that.
Talking with TI savvy people, i was told that:
-Its a Faulty Mem Stick
-Your mobo is having trouble dealing with memory
-It can be too much stress to your Power Supply
-your mobo is defective
-Incompatibility
I'm at a loss. I'm scared to start a stream or draw and have something go wrong. I'm scared of taking it back to the store and have em sort out this mess and be knocked out of commission for even more days, as i'll not be able to draw and make the money to pay the bills.
My own health has been at an all time low. I've had panic attacks that leave me with erratic heart beats WHILE SLEEPING waking up with it racing and leaving arrithmia as it steadies down. And if i went back to sleep, the arrithmia would PERSIST TILL MORNING and well into the ER.
Every night for the past month I've gone to bed wondering if my stepfather will still be there, if he hasnt just skipped town. Every night i wonder if i'll wake in the middle of the night with my heart beating like it shouldnt, theres not a single day in the past month i havent had dark thoughts.
On top of all that, my dad found out the secrets I've been keeping. An aunt told him I was moody, and didn't want to see doctors, he asked me why, I told him I couldn't because I can't drive there. He asked me what happened to my car and all the money I had, and I couldnt tell him I was sitting on it, so I told him something I was keeping secret for some years:
I spent everything I had, to help my mom. Either to keep the house running, Or on enterpreneuship attempts. My stepfather tried many times to open busynesses, and they all failed. And over the years, the money I had saved simply wasted away.
It didn't go well. There was a reason why I never told him that.
Seeing all this, its rough to feel im not a burden than anything else. Recent interchanges made me realize that i'm nothing beyond my ability to draw, poorly at that, what i draw. Nothing much besides that.
I feel helpless, lost and absolutely hopeless. This might be it, I say this because I don't think I can dig myself out of this mess. That I can't help my mom in her time of need.
The only thing left is to take it back to the store again. I wish I could ask for a refund. I wanna scream. I wanna cry. I really don't know what to do.
If I can't make it back, I guess this is as good as a goodbye I can leave. I ran out of time. What I did wasn't enough.
Sorry If I wronged any of you somehow. Sorry for not doing better. Wish I could have done more, knowing nothing I ever did would be enough.
Just know that, whatever happens next, good or bad, don't lose hope. Stay strong and keep moving forward. I know life will pick up for you.
And stop being so hard on your works. I seriously have trouble seeing what exactly you don't like about your stuff. It's always been amazing and, over the years, it's only gotten even better.
Keep it up Muffin, you'll get through this!
That's all I can really do...
:(
I am happy to donate to you to help you :)
And we'll keep on supporting and rooting for you however we can, and when you get back we'll be here with open arms. :)