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Page views?
7 years ago
General
I see that I now have 16k+ page views (technically about 10k or 11k...).
While not exactly super high or anything --not that it needs to be-- I often wonder why.
I know that my stuff isn't very good. Aside from the last handful of submissions, my stuff looks bad.
Of course, I wasn't always intending to make everything look super beautiful. A lot of it was intended for practice and challenges.
Much of it was specifically to improve in certain areas, or make big areas fast.
I tried to convey that to some people, but they didn't understand. They thought what I had up at the time was the best of my ability.
That is why from time to time, I made submissions to test almost everything that I could do. Submissions like the bathroom.
I know that I don't upload often. I tried, and for a while I was going good. Until 3 things:
1) I wanted to improve the quality and complexity of my models, scenes, and what I uploaded.
2) I tried to do stuff for my friends and make them happy.
3) I tried getting serious with indie game teams and devote a lot of my time to them.
But, it seems that my friends... weren't really friends. At least for a lot of that time, that's how they acted. And for these indie game teams, it was either no one did anything, I was doing everything, or I was being completely taken for a fool and used.
Usually a combination. Though I know bad things were going on, I tried to give everyone a chance and not jump to conclusions. But it was fairly obvious I was being taken for a loop by so many, and I kept letting myself fall for it, not leaving until it was too late.
After the last incident, it's like I... turned off? It wasn't that I couldn't take anymore, rather it was as though my body and mind, against my (as a consciousness) will, decided to shut down until something changed and I got away or something.
One of the reasons I'm still trying to "leave the world".
I guess my mind (and body) was just tired of being put through the ringer every time I dealt with someone.
Though I might seem fine, and for the most part (or rather, for much of it) I am, though there are some problems. I find it hard to get or stay interested in anything anymore. I find it hard to trust or believe anyone anymore.
I lose my appetite faster, even if I've spent a while or several hours making food. I find it physically harder to do a lot of things. It takes 1.5 to 2x the amount of effort now to do the same tasks I had always done.
I find it harder to stay awake, yet [even] harder to fall and stay asleep. And though I've never really had a really high libido, I find it almost a chore just to get and stay aroused at anything anymore.
What I'm getting at is that my motivation really suffered after that. Though I have been trying to change all of this over the last few YEARS (because this stuff really affects me, while the others just walk away scott free), things still aren't quite the same.
I know it's not because of my journals. I mentioned earlier that I technically have 10 or 11k page views. During an incident years ago, I suddenly got around 5k to 7k page views in a week.
I tried helping someone, I asked for help on FA, it didn't go well at all and so many people (many that had nothing to do with anything) made a fuss about it. I did what I could to help that person myself, and barely succeeded. Though at a cost.
Many don't read them, (some claim to, but skimming is not reading), and several of my unwatches have come from them.
I know it's not because of my charming(?) personality, because most people don't know my personality.
They don't take the time to understand me, nor want to understand me. Trying to hang out with anyone was always an ordeal. Heck, just trying to talk with most people was a hassle.
To wrap up because this journal is getting longer than I wanted, and I have to double tomorrow so I should be heading off, why do people continue to come by?
There will be some random passerby here and there, yeah, but it feels like I might be the talk of the town on a small forum or something.
While not exactly super high or anything --not that it needs to be-- I often wonder why.
I know that my stuff isn't very good. Aside from the last handful of submissions, my stuff looks bad.
Of course, I wasn't always intending to make everything look super beautiful. A lot of it was intended for practice and challenges.
Much of it was specifically to improve in certain areas, or make big areas fast.
I tried to convey that to some people, but they didn't understand. They thought what I had up at the time was the best of my ability.
That is why from time to time, I made submissions to test almost everything that I could do. Submissions like the bathroom.
I know that I don't upload often. I tried, and for a while I was going good. Until 3 things:
1) I wanted to improve the quality and complexity of my models, scenes, and what I uploaded.
2) I tried to do stuff for my friends and make them happy.
3) I tried getting serious with indie game teams and devote a lot of my time to them.
But, it seems that my friends... weren't really friends. At least for a lot of that time, that's how they acted. And for these indie game teams, it was either no one did anything, I was doing everything, or I was being completely taken for a fool and used.
Usually a combination. Though I know bad things were going on, I tried to give everyone a chance and not jump to conclusions. But it was fairly obvious I was being taken for a loop by so many, and I kept letting myself fall for it, not leaving until it was too late.
After the last incident, it's like I... turned off? It wasn't that I couldn't take anymore, rather it was as though my body and mind, against my (as a consciousness) will, decided to shut down until something changed and I got away or something.
One of the reasons I'm still trying to "leave the world".
I guess my mind (and body) was just tired of being put through the ringer every time I dealt with someone.
Though I might seem fine, and for the most part (or rather, for much of it) I am, though there are some problems. I find it hard to get or stay interested in anything anymore. I find it hard to trust or believe anyone anymore.
I lose my appetite faster, even if I've spent a while or several hours making food. I find it physically harder to do a lot of things. It takes 1.5 to 2x the amount of effort now to do the same tasks I had always done.
I find it harder to stay awake, yet [even] harder to fall and stay asleep. And though I've never really had a really high libido, I find it almost a chore just to get and stay aroused at anything anymore.
What I'm getting at is that my motivation really suffered after that. Though I have been trying to change all of this over the last few YEARS (because this stuff really affects me, while the others just walk away scott free), things still aren't quite the same.
I know it's not because of my journals. I mentioned earlier that I technically have 10 or 11k page views. During an incident years ago, I suddenly got around 5k to 7k page views in a week.
I tried helping someone, I asked for help on FA, it didn't go well at all and so many people (many that had nothing to do with anything) made a fuss about it. I did what I could to help that person myself, and barely succeeded. Though at a cost.
Many don't read them, (some claim to, but skimming is not reading), and several of my unwatches have come from them.
I know it's not because of my charming(?) personality, because most people don't know my personality.
They don't take the time to understand me, nor want to understand me. Trying to hang out with anyone was always an ordeal. Heck, just trying to talk with most people was a hassle.
To wrap up because this journal is getting longer than I wanted, and I have to double tomorrow so I should be heading off, why do people continue to come by?
There will be some random passerby here and there, yeah, but it feels like I might be the talk of the town on a small forum or something.
