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--THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING...--
7 years ago
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patreon http://www.patreon.com/lilythekitsune
★★★★★★
subscribestar https://subscribestar.adult/lilythekitsune
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subscribestarI wanted to sort of sit down and talk to you all about something that's been affecting the furry community and, as such, has affected me as well and for a while.
I want to start this off first by saying this: I am aware of my actions. I am not perfect. I have made thousands of mistakes and this will probably not change, people make mistakes daily. I am not infallible. I have wronged just as much as I have righted. I have apologized for things I've done many times but sorry isn't always enough and I am aware of that.
I am not that great of a person but I am working on change.
Now that that's settled, I want to ask people to keep that all in mind going forward with this journal.
If you manage to use Twitter daily or sometimes, and follow a lot of other furries and furry artists, you're gonna notice that there's been a lot of discussions of furry artists. There are thousands of us on this site, drawing daily, taking commissions, having a Patreon, doing raffles, etc etc. There are also thousands of us abusing other furries and taking their money without drawing what's owed, chalking it up to emergencies, ghosting people, blocking people asking for their art, and generally having bitch fits when people call them out for their bad behavior.
There are thousands of fantastic artists out there that do this and others defend them. It has to stop. Hold artists accountable for their actions. Raise hell if you've been waiting for commissions for months or even YEARS and you see them taking more work on. Get what you're owed! Write Artist_Bewares, take screenshots, do whatever you need to. Help clean up the community, okay?
Phew.
But I wanted to discuss this because I used to be one of those. It's not that I never did the work; I did, I got every commission done I was supposed to when I could (minus the time I moved and the internet was gone for about 3 months--that was out of my control). But I did keep taking commissions on because of emergencies. I kept opening and taking donations and commissions because I DID need the money.
See, a few years ago when I moved back in with my father, the state we lived in has a VERY high cost of living. My father pays some $1,200 on rent alone, on top of another $1,500 in utilities. My husband at the time worked minimum wage. I had the same job, drawing furry stuff. My brother didn't--and still doesn't--work. So bills piled up, my father kept bearing down on me, telling me to get a real job, to give him $200 a week, more, more more money. I had to keep taking work, I had to keep opening for emergencies. I had to give him every penny I made and had little for myself. I remember a hater used to complain because I took on emergency commissions and bought my dog a small toy from the Dollar Store and my aunt gave us a coupon for coconut oil, hoping it'd help the scar on her back heal. They assumed I was just talking the money and using it for selfish purposes which was never the case. My husband and I weren't eating. He'd eat old food at work. He'd buy me a dollar burger when he got off work and we'd cut it in half and that was my breakfast, lunch and dinner. I lost 9 pounds living there and weighed 101 by the time we left. Doesn't sound like much when you're skeletal to begin with but that's a LOT of weight for someone like me.
I'm not saying this out of pity, I am simply explaining how it was. My dad was always mad at me. I was always hungry. My brother was always mad at me. Clients were mad at me, asking questions, pushing me. I got frustrated. I snapped a lot. I badmouthed a lot of clients--not necessarily because they did anything wrong but because I was tired of doing corrections, or tired of clients not paying for major changes, or not giving me reference sheets and mad things came out wrong, or asking me hourly where there work was. I got frustrated and I bore down on folks. I admit I was mean. I didn't think so art the time, but now that I'm away from that environment and can calm down, I realize I was an asshole. I wasn't mad at the clients, but work on top of being miserable daily took its toll and I took it out on other innocent folks.
Now, this was years ago. I did apologize to a lot of folks. I did tell a lot of folks they were welcome to refund and report me for my behavior. I had hurt a lot of regulars, a lot of new clients never returned, and I lost a lot of friends. I was miserable. I was alone and bitter and I had nobody to blame but myself.
And I do. I still do. I was an asshole.
I made MY problem into THEIR problem, people who were kind enough to commission me several times in this event, I got snippy and short with them. I was anything but professional.
I did every single commission I was given, which is true.
But I was unprofessional and rude to folks who simply admired me or my work.
That was the most disrespectful thing I've ever done.
And I will admit, sure. I do still have art friends and I do still vent a little about my work. However, it's less about the clients like it used to be and more about myself. "I am having the worst time with this pose' or "I really liked the sketch but I absolutely hate the inks, should I ask them if I can try something else?'
IT WAS NEVER THE CLIENT'S FAULTS. IT WAS MINE.
Now, Lily, you might be asking, what are you trying to get here?
Honestly? Nothing. I've stewed about this for years and it still hurts me. I never knew how to approach this or how to handle it and word vomit is admittedly probably the worst way I COULD have handled this. But I want folks to know that I am still sorry and very guilty for how things were handled back then. I am a business and I acted like a toddler in an adult's body. I was disrespectful not just to clients but to friends and fans who only tried to help me.
I didn't write this whole mess for brownie points or to be magically excused, and I know a lot of the people I hurt have moved on and won't read this, and that's fine. I don't blame anybody for their decision.
A few months back, I even wiped my blocklist in hopes for a fresh start. A lot of people DID admittedly cause trouble first, but I've always given people more than 1 second chance. It's just who I am.
I wanted to also apologize for my work ethic across the years, to which the stress above was mostly the culprit. Cancelling my comic was still a dumb decision but it's given me time to relax and worry more about commissions and my own better comics instead of a really old, really bad storyline with mediocre-written characters and plot points. I've grown since then and while I haven't been 'in touch' with my sonas in a while, I wanted to tell people thank you who stuck by me during that decision and those who still support me, whether on Discord or Patreon.
To the people who stuck around throughout the years, I want to say thank you and I'm sorry you saw my worst. Therapy and medication has been a godsend and living in my own house where I can be free has been uplifting. I don't really touch FA or the furry community anymore because I haven't felt wanted, but perhaps things will change in the future. I've been having fun doing my own things and meeting new folks, got back into roleplaying, made some new characters. Spent some time playing video games and I haven't done that in ages. Tried new foods, started exercising, doing things I never really did because I was stressed out too much.
It's not perfect and neither am I but every day is a new day and I hope you're all with me to see it.
We're all just people trying to survive. Learn to let go of grudges; sometimes you just don't see the big picture. Stop bullying others for your own agenda. Stop hating others because they're "better" than you, or you feel inadequate. Talk to folks. Learn to love. Learn to love yourself before others. Take a step back and breathe. Life's too short to be cruel on purpose. Everybody can be your friend if you try.
The world needs more nice people. It's time that we start to change ourselves for the better and leave this place nicer than we left it.
I want to start this off first by saying this: I am aware of my actions. I am not perfect. I have made thousands of mistakes and this will probably not change, people make mistakes daily. I am not infallible. I have wronged just as much as I have righted. I have apologized for things I've done many times but sorry isn't always enough and I am aware of that.
I am not that great of a person but I am working on change.
Now that that's settled, I want to ask people to keep that all in mind going forward with this journal.
If you manage to use Twitter daily or sometimes, and follow a lot of other furries and furry artists, you're gonna notice that there's been a lot of discussions of furry artists. There are thousands of us on this site, drawing daily, taking commissions, having a Patreon, doing raffles, etc etc. There are also thousands of us abusing other furries and taking their money without drawing what's owed, chalking it up to emergencies, ghosting people, blocking people asking for their art, and generally having bitch fits when people call them out for their bad behavior.
There are thousands of fantastic artists out there that do this and others defend them. It has to stop. Hold artists accountable for their actions. Raise hell if you've been waiting for commissions for months or even YEARS and you see them taking more work on. Get what you're owed! Write Artist_Bewares, take screenshots, do whatever you need to. Help clean up the community, okay?
Phew.
But I wanted to discuss this because I used to be one of those. It's not that I never did the work; I did, I got every commission done I was supposed to when I could (minus the time I moved and the internet was gone for about 3 months--that was out of my control). But I did keep taking commissions on because of emergencies. I kept opening and taking donations and commissions because I DID need the money.
See, a few years ago when I moved back in with my father, the state we lived in has a VERY high cost of living. My father pays some $1,200 on rent alone, on top of another $1,500 in utilities. My husband at the time worked minimum wage. I had the same job, drawing furry stuff. My brother didn't--and still doesn't--work. So bills piled up, my father kept bearing down on me, telling me to get a real job, to give him $200 a week, more, more more money. I had to keep taking work, I had to keep opening for emergencies. I had to give him every penny I made and had little for myself. I remember a hater used to complain because I took on emergency commissions and bought my dog a small toy from the Dollar Store and my aunt gave us a coupon for coconut oil, hoping it'd help the scar on her back heal. They assumed I was just talking the money and using it for selfish purposes which was never the case. My husband and I weren't eating. He'd eat old food at work. He'd buy me a dollar burger when he got off work and we'd cut it in half and that was my breakfast, lunch and dinner. I lost 9 pounds living there and weighed 101 by the time we left. Doesn't sound like much when you're skeletal to begin with but that's a LOT of weight for someone like me.
I'm not saying this out of pity, I am simply explaining how it was. My dad was always mad at me. I was always hungry. My brother was always mad at me. Clients were mad at me, asking questions, pushing me. I got frustrated. I snapped a lot. I badmouthed a lot of clients--not necessarily because they did anything wrong but because I was tired of doing corrections, or tired of clients not paying for major changes, or not giving me reference sheets and mad things came out wrong, or asking me hourly where there work was. I got frustrated and I bore down on folks. I admit I was mean. I didn't think so art the time, but now that I'm away from that environment and can calm down, I realize I was an asshole. I wasn't mad at the clients, but work on top of being miserable daily took its toll and I took it out on other innocent folks.
Now, this was years ago. I did apologize to a lot of folks. I did tell a lot of folks they were welcome to refund and report me for my behavior. I had hurt a lot of regulars, a lot of new clients never returned, and I lost a lot of friends. I was miserable. I was alone and bitter and I had nobody to blame but myself.
And I do. I still do. I was an asshole.
I made MY problem into THEIR problem, people who were kind enough to commission me several times in this event, I got snippy and short with them. I was anything but professional.
I did every single commission I was given, which is true.
But I was unprofessional and rude to folks who simply admired me or my work.
That was the most disrespectful thing I've ever done.
And I will admit, sure. I do still have art friends and I do still vent a little about my work. However, it's less about the clients like it used to be and more about myself. "I am having the worst time with this pose' or "I really liked the sketch but I absolutely hate the inks, should I ask them if I can try something else?'
IT WAS NEVER THE CLIENT'S FAULTS. IT WAS MINE.
Now, Lily, you might be asking, what are you trying to get here?
Honestly? Nothing. I've stewed about this for years and it still hurts me. I never knew how to approach this or how to handle it and word vomit is admittedly probably the worst way I COULD have handled this. But I want folks to know that I am still sorry and very guilty for how things were handled back then. I am a business and I acted like a toddler in an adult's body. I was disrespectful not just to clients but to friends and fans who only tried to help me.
I didn't write this whole mess for brownie points or to be magically excused, and I know a lot of the people I hurt have moved on and won't read this, and that's fine. I don't blame anybody for their decision.
A few months back, I even wiped my blocklist in hopes for a fresh start. A lot of people DID admittedly cause trouble first, but I've always given people more than 1 second chance. It's just who I am.
I wanted to also apologize for my work ethic across the years, to which the stress above was mostly the culprit. Cancelling my comic was still a dumb decision but it's given me time to relax and worry more about commissions and my own better comics instead of a really old, really bad storyline with mediocre-written characters and plot points. I've grown since then and while I haven't been 'in touch' with my sonas in a while, I wanted to tell people thank you who stuck by me during that decision and those who still support me, whether on Discord or Patreon.
To the people who stuck around throughout the years, I want to say thank you and I'm sorry you saw my worst. Therapy and medication has been a godsend and living in my own house where I can be free has been uplifting. I don't really touch FA or the furry community anymore because I haven't felt wanted, but perhaps things will change in the future. I've been having fun doing my own things and meeting new folks, got back into roleplaying, made some new characters. Spent some time playing video games and I haven't done that in ages. Tried new foods, started exercising, doing things I never really did because I was stressed out too much.
It's not perfect and neither am I but every day is a new day and I hope you're all with me to see it.
We're all just people trying to survive. Learn to let go of grudges; sometimes you just don't see the big picture. Stop bullying others for your own agenda. Stop hating others because they're "better" than you, or you feel inadequate. Talk to folks. Learn to love. Learn to love yourself before others. Take a step back and breathe. Life's too short to be cruel on purpose. Everybody can be your friend if you try.
The world needs more nice people. It's time that we start to change ourselves for the better and leave this place nicer than we left it.
God speed to you as you make that effort. But more to that, make sure you take care of you.
I'll still watch and admire, natch. =)
In cases like this, word vomit is actually about the best way to get started. It puts thoughts into words and gives you a place to start, even if it is a jumbled mess. Once it is out, it can be sorted from there.
You were under a hellish amount of stress.
You made your mistakes and you are doing your best to own them.
You are attempting to improve, learning from your past failings to better yourself.
You got help where you needed and are starting over.
Pure and simple.
That said, I really do enjoy your work, both past and present. Been hoping to get enough together to support your Parteon and place commissions, but haven't been super successful there just yet. So for now, you have at least one fan along with the others above still here on FA hoping you will stick around. :) Hellish Delights has been pretty awesome so far.