I never used to be a fan of talking openly about myself or what happened in my life. Not many cared to ask, and it was embarrassing anyway, so I didn't do it. Even if I'm online and no one / not many can see me, I still feel there in person.
When some people told me to tell them about myself or they wanted to know more, I hardly ever knew what to say. I didn't really want to say anything to be honest. Why did they care so much and I often times didn't even know them?
Over time, through several situations and personal things, there were some things that I did want to say, but I wasn't a public kind of person. Still really not. But people convinced me more and more to talk openly; to convey my feelings to the world and stuff.


They said it was a good thing. They said it would help me to feel better and be more of myself. And I believed them...


So I started doing it. Slowly. In small portions here and there. Nothing intense, nothing too personal or out there as far as philosophies / mindsets go. But they urged me to go on, to go deeper. To do it more and more often. And so I did, somewhat.
I never wanted it to get out of hand. I never wanted to go too deep and say too much. But I kept listening to others too much. I kept figuring they knew more than me, and I kept putting so much of my trust in the words of others, so I did.
But I still didn't want to get too deep. I didn't want my words to seem negative or whiny or whatever. And I'll be darned if I have the most journals on this website (to my knowledge, and counting journals that were deleted) doing just that.

Well, I don't do just that. I have many other types of journals, but that's what many people will see. They'll ignore / pretend the others don't exist and just try to find the most negative aspect about a person they can find.
It can be the smallest part of who you are. So small that most people won't even notice, but all they have to do is notice it once or twice, they they'll plaster it everywhere they can and suddenly you're a horrible person. It's happened before.
It's happened too many times. And not just online.



I've always tried to be a helpful, positive, and motivating person. Anyone who's seen a few of my comments or journals will know that. But the second I feel a little down or speak out about a few things, I get dumped on, and I felt that wasn't fair.
Why was it perfectly OK for some people, but absolutely abysmal for some others?


After so long, I started to see what was going on. I kinda knew a long time ago, but I almost always went against my intuition, thinking I could come up with a better answer. But it usually wasn't until too late that I finally acted.
I was never really an angry or hateful person. I never pursued vengeance, revenge, punishment, or anything like that. When / If I did get angry, it never lasted long. Maybe a few minutes; certainly no longer than an hour or two.
What did anger me a lot though always being forced into these dumb narratives that people created. No matter what, no matter who, I was always made into someone / something that I wasn't. Work, family, friends. It was always from people closest to me.
I felt betrayed. Used. Taken for a fool so many times that I've lost count. Stress became second nature, not that it wasn't already.

I guess over time... it started to affect me more than I wanted to admit.




I tried to resist and reverse it all.
I stopped posting as many journals, especially the less positive ones. I stopped posting the bigger, more philosophical journals. Just didn't seem worth the time or effort for all the "trouble" they caused.
I stopped chasing around after people. I was always given an excuse as to why they couldn't hang out, or people would just pretend they weren't there and go invisible, or put up an auto response, so there was no point anyway.
I'd often see journals or other where people would say stuff about people being rude, or always bugging them or something, and I wanted to confront them so badly. Why are you acting like the victim when you did that to me?! To so many others!!
But I didn't pursue. They wouldn't listen, and I'd just get attacked. I'd be wasting my time and lose even more people, so why bother.





The people that did this; that made me feel this way so badly and so many times... They never came back, except for follow up attacks. They never came to apologize. They never came to right their wrongs. They never wanted to know how I was doing.

Many (most) of them acted like victims. Running towards the spotlight to slather me in slander, making sure everyone heard their story first, and made sure I couldn't say mine. I have screenshots, chat logs, I even have a few audio and video logs.
It doesn't matter. No one cares if it's not popular or at least beneficial to believe or say.

It was always me apologizing, even if I didn't do wrong. It was always me trying to correct everything, usually all by myself. It was always me trying to understand and stop misinformation, but to no avail. It always seemed like I was the only one trying.
Lies and negativity seemed to spread like wildfire, and far to many people seemed more than willing to let it engulf them.
At first I was just trying to do what I thought was correct, then I tried to do what I thought made people happy, then I tried to do what I thought would make everything better.


But now, I just want to get away from it all. Everything. I just want it all to stop.
While I'm trying to work on making that happen, hopefully soon, I figured not interacting with many would be for the best.







...But... I DID want to hang out with people. I DID want to chat with them. I DID want to maybe follow them around and do stuff. Problems? A confrontation is just that, but it doesn't mean I hate anyone. A problem can be fixed, rather easy, if people are willing.


But I figured it would just be best if I stayed to myself. I DID try here and there to interact with people, but it was always more of the same. I was always more than willing to forgive and forget, but so many had me pre-positioned between their fangs.






Valentine's day is tomorrow. I am [technically considered] a graymuzzle, and I have NEVER celebrated it.
Never had anyone to celebrate it with...

Maybe I'll just take my daughter / kids out on a night on the town or something. Though that can be all kinds of dangerous.





I don't know.
I should stop these ramblings. It's about time after all.
I have a bigger journal that will touch upon most of this stuff, but after that, there won't be too many journals anymore. Certainly not the big ones.