...I always feel so selfish and guilty. Sometimes so moody and oppressive.
I don't know.

I all too often think I'm doing the wrong thing. Very shortly after an event, like I should have done the opposite or could have done much better.
And I often know what decision people want me to make, but at the same time I think what I want is also important. That's what many people will tell me, and I will follow their advice, but I don't feel like I have done good.

I feel like all I care about is myself. I notice that I say "I" a lot when I'm making these journals. I often think that the decisions I'm making will only benefit myself.





On the flip side of that coin, I know that isn't really true. Though I have an increasingly hard time trying to convince others of this. Often times a hard time trying to convince myself as well.
I have said time and time again that I will try to be there for people. I have tried to do what I could and have almost always offered my help or time or whatever in some way.

More often than not, I felt as though my presence was not only ignored, but cringed against.
I've tried to lend a hand and an ear to people when they were feeling really down, only for them to cut me off, roll their eyes, or completely ignore and walk away from me. They wanted someone else. Not me.
So many times at work I would offer my help. Sometimes people would pretend not to hear and keep walking. I'd have to repeat several times, often walking right up to them and telling them. Usually they'd say they don't need it.
Then would almost always walk right past me and ask for help from someone else, almost anyone else, for the exact thing I had just tried to freely give them.
And I don't think I need to explain any more at how I kept trying to make people happy and try to do what they told me, but they never seemed happy with anything.



A ~big~ chunk of my journals are from the mis-feelings they gave me as I've tried time and time again to do what I could for them. Whether it be spend all my time with them, pay them money, buy them expensive things, and even let them have their way with me.



This is one of the biggest conundrums I've had in life. I'm always at war with myself in my head.
Do I do what I want, or what others tell me to do?
Do I make myself happy, or someone else?
Do I help myself first, or someone else?

I would usually do for others before I would do for myself. Though in a lot of cases, I wouldn't feel very happy. As you might have guessed from above, sometimes it would just make me miserable.
At the same time... I don't often know what I want. Probably because I spent so long catering to others.



I don't know what to think anymore.
Am I a monster for not being there for another, or am I a monster for thinking about myself?

Either way, will I always turn out as a monster?