Once upon a time in the small town of Bumfuck Nowhere there was an unusual child, a youthful vigilante. This vigilante had taken upon a crusade against continence. His twin brother and he were at the climax of potty training, their charts adorned with as many stars as the night sky. One fateful fright occurred in the middle of the night, when the brother of the would be vigilante had to make use of the big boy potty. The brother climbed down from his bed and scurried through the darkness towards the head. He ascended the throne, and as the business was reaching its conclusion, there was a murmur in the walls. The would be vigilante heard the murmur as well, and followed his brother to the bathroom. By the time he reached his brother, only his pj’s were left. No blood. No urine or fecal matter. Nothing. The vigilante called out to his brother, waking his parents. He was crying when they found him downstairs. They took him to his room, they let him sleep away the nightmare they thought he had. Since that night the stars began to fade from the only chart. Doctors of flesh were called and he was found to be fit if not unsettled. Doctors of the mind were called and he was found to be experiencing a transitional break, he just needed some extra time said the therapists. So the parents eased off of the issue, and as time went on the vigilante grew more and more distressed. He had his ears to the ground, hearing rumors of “families moving” and saw empty cubbies at preschool. On his off time while watching Tv he heard of monsters attacking children and of witches kidnapping their meals. One day it dawned on the youth that there was a dreadful potty monster taking children from their thrones and feasting on them Below. He resolved to find this monster and slay it, and hopefully get his brother back. It’s not like he had friends to distract him, no one wanted to play with a boy that was still in diapers. He worked hardest in gym class, improving his physique into something capable of slaughtering a monster. The therapists grew worried, and tried to establish a connection to a calmer, monsterless reality for the vigilante. But he wouldn’t give in. He knew what happened to his brother and he would fight it. He was not wrong, the world was. The world had let monsters grow fat and proud in the shadows and he would not stand for it. One day, the vigilante looked to the skies for a sign. His stars had long since gone away, so he turned to the ones everyone else used. The moon was new, and the skies blazed with starry wonders. A sliver or heaven fell from the firmament into the town of Bumfuck Nowhere, not too far from the vigilante’s self made training ground. The vigilante ran to the crash site. He found a shining slice of metal, entombed in a space rock. He dug into the surprisingly soft stone and from this wreckage came a weapon. The vigilante had his sign, his strength, and now he had his means of monster murder. He retreated to his room, and waited for his parents to leave. His parents decided to go to a movie, but the vigilante was not interested. They left, and the hunt began. The house creaked with what sounded like laughter at the vigilante, mocking his quest. The door he hadn’t touched since he was a toddler was difficult to rouse from its hinges. The vigilante endured this mockery, and entered the place where it began. He stood in front of the toilet he ignored for so long. Its curves seemed alien, its material was as cold as the grave. The grave of his brother. It was quiet. The vigilante knew how to lure the potty monster to the surface. He ripped his diaper off. He sat on the toilet. He waited for a trickle of urine to call the beast into his place. He waited for a long time for this hunt, he could wait until his loose bladder set his pee free. Inevitably the vigilante peed. Bound by the rules of magical thinking, and coaxed by the scent of a fresh pee, the potty monster came up. It didn’t poke out of the toilet as the vigilante suspected. It didn’t burst through the walls as he feared it might. The potty monster used the door like a normal person, despite it being anything but. There was no time for bravado, no heroic speeches to rouse the blood into violent charge. It was to do or to be done. The vigilante did, and drove the sky spike into the face of the monster. It collapsed. The vigilante stood above it, victorious. As he gazed at the horror that hounded him and that deformed him into a diapered outcast two things happened. Being unpotty trained, poop slid effortlessly out of his behind onto the floor. It wad tile and there was something more important going on. The monster sizzled and popped and melted slowly, leaving a pool of purple gunk where its corpse was. The sky spike impaled in the head of the monster shifted gently, as if soaking the monster into it. Eventually, the monster was gone, a puddle of goo and a piece of poo were all that remained from the hunt. The world had one less monster in it.