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Sometimes I feel like one of the worst people in the world
7 years ago
General
And no matter how many times I try to look past it, tell myself I'm being hard on myself and just ignore it, I can't seem to stop coming back to this thought.
The everlasting return to dissonance makes me feel more and more like I truly am a horrible and / or pathetic person. I try not to sugarcoat things. I want to see things as they truly are, so when I try to take an honest look at myself, that is what I often see.
I have 2 (formerly 3) jobs, and I can't seem to save even a few bucks for too long. There's always something that I suddenly need to pay for, even if I don't actually have to pay for it. I couldn't afford to pay for everything if I were to go to rent even a cheap house.
I keep saying I'll go on a diet, or I'm on a diet, but I keep failing it. I did start one 6, 7, 8 months ago I think. I lasted 3 days before I relapsed, and have been failing ever since. I think I actually gained at least 10 to 15 pounds since.
That's in addition to the 20+ pounds I think I gained since I moved to this state. I went to a gym a few months before I moved to this state, and the guy told me I could stand to lose 56 pounds. I've been told I don't look it, but apparently that's the case.
75+ pounds now I'm guessing.
I still can't seem to get out of this dumb rut. I have been in it for years. I can't seem to scrape up enough interest or motivation to do anything anymore. A strawberry and some silverware hardly count as submissions.
There are people who have been waiting for literal years for something I said I'd make for them. It doesn't take that long, even for the most complex things (not for a single model at least).
I can't seem to hold onto anyone. I haven't heard back from almost anyone in a long while. The occasional "thanks" if I buy them something out of the blue, and that's about it. I have to wait months to hear from what I thought were close friends, if at all.
I'd text them, and there's always some sudden reason why they can't stay or they forgot. IMs don't exist anymore I guess. Having to attempt to talk to people over and over for months, only to maybe finally get a 3 minute conversation before they flee again.
I've even started slurring and almost stuttering my words, and I don't even know why. People used to say I talked too fast, so I talked a lot slower. Now almost everyone thinks I'm half retarded because of it. And for the last few years, I fumble my sentences.
I'll forget what I'm saying mid-sentence sometimes, I'll stammer just a bit because I often try to say too much and shift what I'm saying mid-sentence. I feel like a broken hard drive or something. I tried learning a new language several times.
I thought that was supposed to help. Why is it that the more things I try that are supposed to help, the more screwed up I seem to get? Am I NOT supposed to be decent at anything?
Don't even get me started about the thoughts and ideas in my head. I can't even talk about most of them openly. This society -- this world in general-- is so fragile. So "offended". Can't even talk in private to "trusted" people.
"Trust". I know it exists, but that's a rare thing nowadays. Good luck telling someone something in confidence, and not having them almost immediately run their mouth and blab to whoever.
I wonder how many people I've never met or seen have forbidden copies of my most private photos, or know very private info about me.
I don't really care about age, and I know I'm not supposed to live by comparison, but I have almost nothing to show for all the time I've been here. No vehicle. No house. No land. No mate. No savings. I don't even have muscles or high intellect or even a sizeable weenie.
Nothing.
I don't look good (at all!). I don't sound good. And even though I know that I've gotten better with 3D modeling, I still feel as though it's nowhere near good enough to be considered decent or "good". Not that it matters because I haven't uploaded in so long.
Despite everything, it still feels as though I'd have to work for another 10 years just to get what other people have. Just to get a decent car, and a small house, and maybe a small bit of land.
I feel like I'm disappointing everyone I've ever known, and some that I don't know. I can't help shake the feeling that so many people are disgusted by me, totally turned off by me in some way, that I've being looked down upon by friends and family.
That they are completely disappointed in everything about me, and are ashamed to even bring me up in conversation. These thoughts don't come from nowhere.
But most of all, I feel like I'm a monster to my kids. They never get to go anywhere. They have to stay in not just the house, but this singular room all day long. They have nothing to do at all. This cheap toy barely lasts 5 minutes before it's boring again.
My oldest is clearly obese now, and my youngest, who has her first birthday on Sunday, has been peeing blood for 6 months now. I feel so ashamed that I haven't been able to take her to get help in all that time. I wonder how much extra damage was done because of it.
If I hadn't spent all that money to get that random thing last month, she'd have had the help she needs. I feel as though I don't treat myself enough and I thought the item would disappear if I didn't get it.
Though my belly will attest to that, and what does it matter when I never touch the thing I finally got back anyway?
I feel like I'm boring them to death, and even though I don't really spank or fight or do anything like that, I still feel as though I'm being way too rough on them at all times.
The look in their faces... the look of sheer disappointment and boredom... it hurts me so very much. It makes me feel just like I did when I was little and I had to bide my time for so long. So long not being able to do anything. So long just sitting there waiting for life to start.
Sure, I had a few games and stuff, but so much of my life never felt fulfilling. It always felt like I was just being hushed, or like someone was just trying to get rid of me. I was so bored and so lonely. I never wanted to feel like that again or do that to anyone.
But it feels like that feeling barely went away even after 25 years, and it feels like I'm doing just as bad to my kids.
I say kids, but they're dogs. I don't want marriage or kids; I always said I'd get dogs instead of kids. For me, my dogs are as high as I go, so to me they are my kids. Not that it matters. They are living creatures all the same.
I tried to withstand all that time and people have done. I thought I was doing well, but it seems I fell for their lies and traps and let them ~~influence~~ me too many times.
Who am I anymore? What am I? Have I ever answered that question before? How long before I can figure them out?
I'm sorry everyone. I don't mean to ruin anyone's day or put them in a bad mood. Goodness knows I don't mean any of that.
I'll just go lay down now.
Just like the rains, sleep has a way of resetting us and bringing forth a few day.
We could all use some sleep. Besides, I hardly get any nowadays, and I'm tired anyway.
NightZ everyone.
The everlasting return to dissonance makes me feel more and more like I truly am a horrible and / or pathetic person. I try not to sugarcoat things. I want to see things as they truly are, so when I try to take an honest look at myself, that is what I often see.
I have 2 (formerly 3) jobs, and I can't seem to save even a few bucks for too long. There's always something that I suddenly need to pay for, even if I don't actually have to pay for it. I couldn't afford to pay for everything if I were to go to rent even a cheap house.
I keep saying I'll go on a diet, or I'm on a diet, but I keep failing it. I did start one 6, 7, 8 months ago I think. I lasted 3 days before I relapsed, and have been failing ever since. I think I actually gained at least 10 to 15 pounds since.
That's in addition to the 20+ pounds I think I gained since I moved to this state. I went to a gym a few months before I moved to this state, and the guy told me I could stand to lose 56 pounds. I've been told I don't look it, but apparently that's the case.
75+ pounds now I'm guessing.
I still can't seem to get out of this dumb rut. I have been in it for years. I can't seem to scrape up enough interest or motivation to do anything anymore. A strawberry and some silverware hardly count as submissions.
There are people who have been waiting for literal years for something I said I'd make for them. It doesn't take that long, even for the most complex things (not for a single model at least).
I can't seem to hold onto anyone. I haven't heard back from almost anyone in a long while. The occasional "thanks" if I buy them something out of the blue, and that's about it. I have to wait months to hear from what I thought were close friends, if at all.
I'd text them, and there's always some sudden reason why they can't stay or they forgot. IMs don't exist anymore I guess. Having to attempt to talk to people over and over for months, only to maybe finally get a 3 minute conversation before they flee again.
I've even started slurring and almost stuttering my words, and I don't even know why. People used to say I talked too fast, so I talked a lot slower. Now almost everyone thinks I'm half retarded because of it. And for the last few years, I fumble my sentences.
I'll forget what I'm saying mid-sentence sometimes, I'll stammer just a bit because I often try to say too much and shift what I'm saying mid-sentence. I feel like a broken hard drive or something. I tried learning a new language several times.
I thought that was supposed to help. Why is it that the more things I try that are supposed to help, the more screwed up I seem to get? Am I NOT supposed to be decent at anything?
Don't even get me started about the thoughts and ideas in my head. I can't even talk about most of them openly. This society -- this world in general-- is so fragile. So "offended". Can't even talk in private to "trusted" people.
"Trust". I know it exists, but that's a rare thing nowadays. Good luck telling someone something in confidence, and not having them almost immediately run their mouth and blab to whoever.
I wonder how many people I've never met or seen have forbidden copies of my most private photos, or know very private info about me.
I don't really care about age, and I know I'm not supposed to live by comparison, but I have almost nothing to show for all the time I've been here. No vehicle. No house. No land. No mate. No savings. I don't even have muscles or high intellect or even a sizeable weenie.
Nothing.
I don't look good (at all!). I don't sound good. And even though I know that I've gotten better with 3D modeling, I still feel as though it's nowhere near good enough to be considered decent or "good". Not that it matters because I haven't uploaded in so long.
Despite everything, it still feels as though I'd have to work for another 10 years just to get what other people have. Just to get a decent car, and a small house, and maybe a small bit of land.
I feel like I'm disappointing everyone I've ever known, and some that I don't know. I can't help shake the feeling that so many people are disgusted by me, totally turned off by me in some way, that I've being looked down upon by friends and family.
That they are completely disappointed in everything about me, and are ashamed to even bring me up in conversation. These thoughts don't come from nowhere.
But most of all, I feel like I'm a monster to my kids. They never get to go anywhere. They have to stay in not just the house, but this singular room all day long. They have nothing to do at all. This cheap toy barely lasts 5 minutes before it's boring again.
My oldest is clearly obese now, and my youngest, who has her first birthday on Sunday, has been peeing blood for 6 months now. I feel so ashamed that I haven't been able to take her to get help in all that time. I wonder how much extra damage was done because of it.
If I hadn't spent all that money to get that random thing last month, she'd have had the help she needs. I feel as though I don't treat myself enough and I thought the item would disappear if I didn't get it.
Though my belly will attest to that, and what does it matter when I never touch the thing I finally got back anyway?
I feel like I'm boring them to death, and even though I don't really spank or fight or do anything like that, I still feel as though I'm being way too rough on them at all times.
The look in their faces... the look of sheer disappointment and boredom... it hurts me so very much. It makes me feel just like I did when I was little and I had to bide my time for so long. So long not being able to do anything. So long just sitting there waiting for life to start.
Sure, I had a few games and stuff, but so much of my life never felt fulfilling. It always felt like I was just being hushed, or like someone was just trying to get rid of me. I was so bored and so lonely. I never wanted to feel like that again or do that to anyone.
But it feels like that feeling barely went away even after 25 years, and it feels like I'm doing just as bad to my kids.
I say kids, but they're dogs. I don't want marriage or kids; I always said I'd get dogs instead of kids. For me, my dogs are as high as I go, so to me they are my kids. Not that it matters. They are living creatures all the same.
I tried to withstand all that time and people have done. I thought I was doing well, but it seems I fell for their lies and traps and let them ~~influence~~ me too many times.
Who am I anymore? What am I? Have I ever answered that question before? How long before I can figure them out?
I'm sorry everyone. I don't mean to ruin anyone's day or put them in a bad mood. Goodness knows I don't mean any of that.
I'll just go lay down now.
Just like the rains, sleep has a way of resetting us and bringing forth a few day.
We could all use some sleep. Besides, I hardly get any nowadays, and I'm tired anyway.
NightZ everyone.
