Today was a interesting day.

My friend asked of me about Old Fox, if he is a podcaster.

Yes he is.

2013 autumn, I was working on forest. I am a forest machine operator.
So while logging I usually do something meanwhile. Once you have learned to do that work it actually gets hellishly boring. Or so I thought back then. My thoughts about that has changed recently. But that is not today's topic.

I was listening radio. While I wasn't talking on phone or pre occupied by.. warm something unproductive like being upset of my own thoughts of something usually about others. Blaming, playing guilty etc.. I'm sure you know those kind of thoughs. Don't you?

So.. I got bored with music that came from radio. Truly.. so often there comes same songs all day long and often in predictable order that once you have listened for first couple of hours, you. Know pretty much what to expect. Atleast that was so here in Finland back in 2013. Also other thing was that much of that music was making my thoughts run wildly depressive. So many love songs and songs about.. well. Kind of survival.. like if everything was constant struggle. I got fed up and wanted to listen something else than music.

I happened to know that we have a radio station that had no music and there is only talking or speech.. so I took my time to tune in and found it. And what I heard was Old Fox talking passionately about something. I don't exactly remember what it was, I just remember that it was something about effects of bullying, raising childs and young generation and of some wisdoms he has learned from sport coach of his new wife who was Finnish skiing gold medalist for many years. Hence sport coach teachings were there too.

And it all rang true to me. It was weird really. It all felt real and plausible. It didn't feel wrong or manipulation. And quite good bit I personally felt was true or proven true in my life already. Especially bullying stuff. - I was bullied a lot when I was child.

It was fascinating to listen him but it soon ended and would come again next week around same time. Daaaw!

At work people didn't know of that program and most of them knew this person. They were actually very rude in how their voices spoke of him not by words exactly but tune and way of speech. And they called him that overly rich Juppe. "A person who fakes being better than he is." And it seemed as if their message was that anything that comes from old fox is brainwashing junk. That he just speaks to get attention.

I found this weird. Because after all what I had heard had rang true with my earlier experiences. And he had sound genuine and even listed sources for his bits and pieces of information he shared. So.. that led me to tune in next week to find out more. And to be suspicious of him and his speakings.

When that next week came.. after the podcast. I was even more impressed. Not that I would have understood everything but what I was able to take in had rang true once again. And somehow I felt more strong. That there was someone who spoke wisely about things that plague our time.

In matter of weeks I was ready to create fanclub and start trumpeting what I had heard from podcast to virtually anyone. I was that deeply taken by what there was. At some point I even bought his book. (Though I didn't read it) cause there happened to be visit to a friend who had problems and who helped me with something I think.. or Maybe it was just a gaming session together with him anyways.. I gave that book to him. And he was impressed by it and said good things about it. Not overly much praise buy very mildly. That puzzled me then. I thought it would be better than that. Also my friend too, tuned in to listen those podcast I think.. or Maybe I mess timeframe once again. It's after all over 5 years.

Anyways. Same happened with my girlfriend. To her too I gave that book.. and once again I had to get one to myself later on. But more it seemed as if we all liked old fox but none exactly knew how to apply his teachings. Least me who so passionately spoke of those to others back them.

Then.. Depression hit, big and strong. A kind of feeling of worthlessness. Lack of purpose. I saw myself as no one. Unworthy and that world would be better of without me. I'm not exactly sure what things led to this. I think there was many. Maybe it was time when me and my girlfriend chose not to meet ever again. Or problems of that. We just didn't get along very well. Probably since I wanted to have so much time alone. To isolate myself. And she lacked my attention and love that previously had been so plentiful. Perhaps it was because of work. There was more and more pressure to get more done and better quality. I few times I was even bluntly told that I had done better in past. And that my current productivity was unsustainable. That led me to do more hours to compensate and lack even more sleep and ruin rest of my day pattern. - great solution eh?

Anyways perhaps I'll go more deeply in those times some other time. I suspect I have order of events and happenings messed up big time. But anyways. I was Soo fucking depressed that I pondered how to end my life with least problems and worries for everyone. Car crash seemed most easy one... But it couldn't be collision with truck.. I didn't want to traumatize truck driver nor cause anyone to have to pay for my stubit doings. At some point this thinking got too much... I was nearly breaking and at work.. as I was working I did lot of mistakes and ruined trees that were supposed to be left to stand. So I nearly crashed mentally back then. I was crying uncontrollably. But from somewhere one of those sentences old fox had said rang in my mind again and again. It was as simple as " get help"

So.. I did.

I found a phone number to crisis phone.. or emergency service. However that is called. Usually for people who are deeply traumatized like.. after rape or so.. and I called there.

That there was other person to listen my crying. Talking and taking in my cries with love was enough to keep living. To keep breathing. To live another day.

Now.. I'm not sure of this order whether my friend was next one to save me or not but at another deep crash crying there was this simple message from my friend from past with simple hello.. that she was there once again. And it was all I needed. And I was so thankful that she had found me interesting and good company enough to spend time with.

I did actually sough help from doctor later on to this depression and I was diagnosed with medium serious depression.. funny thing is. That I was already healing and getting better when that happened. And it kinda made my resolution to get better just to intensify. Though.. it was helpful to have that expert phone number at hand for day when crisis would once again him me. Just having that phone number of professional help was enough. I never called to that number. Once I dialed it.. but never actually made that call. Instead I sough help and wisdom from. Literature and podcast of old fox. Funny thing is.. that my doctor actually recommended a book to me. One of those that old fox had spoken well of. And while it wasn't anything at all about depression. But more like human race and evolution it too helped. Actually.. I think that all knowledge and wisdom helps. Just that there is something else to listen than your own thoughts has been to me often plenty enough to survive yet another day. And to top that.. being more vise too having learned something new.

So.. yeah first big thing I learned from. Old fox was. " get help" I'd personally add that being early at that would be greatly preferable. Rather that. Waiting for seeing the edge of cliff.

This journal was supposed to be about something else though...
I had planned to write about old fox as in person because after 5+ years I finally met him in person today. Actually I was one of ten other visitors who was invited to be audience on his 100 podcast from his home.
And it was something... Something unforgettable but more of that some other time as today changed so much (and little) in so many ways.

I wish you all well there. And sorry for messy journal. I am at buss traveling to big city nearest my home.. and trying to stay awake.