i would say just don't ever let yourself get talked into throwing away the fun of creating,
because anyone tries to tell you accumulating is more 'adult'.

i really think that's the heart of it. why people turn to 'mind altering' escapes, instead of creative ones,
which are the only things that make us anything that anything else isn't.

i've had to walk away from accumulations, more then once,
but no matter where i go, in my mind there is always the creating,
the figuring out how to make something that is how i like seeing things be.

even when i don't have all the tools, as often i have not,
to make that thing, to bring it into the world of things that are physically there.

i cannot build houses, because i do not have the kind of money to buy land,
but i can make what i can imagine in the computer, as long as i have one of those,
and i do.

if all i had was a pencil and a piece of paper, and there have been times when that is all i had,
then i'm not great with making pictures that way. takes too long, too much patience,
and a hundred more pictures come along in my head. but what i did then,
real artists i guess make sketches and lots of them, what i did, was more like kinds of diagrams,
like maps, that represented worlds and places, and thus place connected to images in my mind of them.

i really, i've always been too stubborn to lose what is in my mind, just what i accumulate in the physical world.

i guess there have been times i've been talked into aspiring after something resembling conventionality,
but i don't think i've ever been able to entirely loose myself in doing so.

i guess the thing is, whatever you think you've lost or thrown away, is still there.
the universe is a big place, and nothing ends existing in it, just because we may have thrown away something from ourselves.

so its always there, and its probably always still there somewhere within yourself as well.

i don't think you have to strain for anything. just follow what is easy, of imagining and making,
even if it seems like a child thing, let it flow back along easy channels it will deepen again itself as it flows.

Oh, I have a rather big journal on that issue that I'm still making, though it might be some time before it's ready to be posted.
People talked me into, or at least made me feel like, losing a lot more than just my fun. But I'm trying to reclaim it back.


I've always liked the idea of creating. My very first career choice, way back when I was 7 or 8, had to do with creating. I just wanted to make stuff.
But I couldn't really do it. I didn't have any support with anything, and no amount of asking seemed to help.
Whenever I did anything, there was always someone saying something. As though what I was doing was silly or harmful in some way.

I didn't understand why so many people were again creating something. Anything. Everything ~had~ to be store bought. Everything ~had~ to be done by a professional.
It seemed no one could do anything on their own. When I tried, it's as though I was looked down upon. Made fun of. Ridiculed.
After a while, I started to see how ridiculous it was and started catering to my own devices.

I feel a bit bad because I wasn't able to get into a lot of stuff early like some other people.
Whatever I got into was always much later, on the cheap, and I had to learn everything on my own.
I wasn't even able to take the college courses I wanted. My parent(s) weren't very helpful in that regard.
They were literally more concerned with their show that was coming on later that day than taking my future seriously.

That's when I discovered 3D modeling. Though I wasn't very good at it, I was getting better.
I tried a few other endeavors as well, such as wood working, and even a bit of drawing.
Though I was glad I was creating, I always had this lingering bad feeling that I wasn't good enough, or that I wasn't getting better, and that I didn't have the same tools and expertise as others.

I think the worst of it was in the last few years, all the dumb fiascos that kept going on here. I spent too much time trying to cater to other people.
People I thought were friends, acquaintances, people I thought were team members, etc. Really, I was just being used left and right.
And once they all pulled the rug from under me, and you really get to see the true face of the people you've been bending over backwards for, that really hurt me.

So much so that I even went out and got kids. That wasn't the only or main reason, but that did play a big factor in it.
I wanted to show everyone that I wasn't a bad person and that I do try, but it didn't matter. The people that pulled all the crap they did never cared in the first place.
I'll be spending the next 10 - 15 years dealing with it now. They are a big of a hassle, and have annihilated my productivity, heh.




Soooo... I've been trying to just kinda reconnect with what I thought I might have lost and start all over again.
Though it's good to know I haven't really lost anything. Still, I don't think I've quite gotten it all back yet.



I have to get the joy of creation back. I've stopped catering to people for the most part, though there are a few things I still feel I need to finish.
And I definitely have to do something about my constant jumping up here so I can concentrate on stuff.
But I think I'll soon find it again.



Thanks for the advice. Sorry if some of my stuff seems a bit...incoherent. I gotta stop typing stuff up early in the morning when I'm a little sleepy.
But I do think I'm close to regaining my joy of creating stuff. Hopefully I'll also be able to pick up some new hobbies, and retry some that I stopped long ago.