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A Monologue on some Feelings
6 years ago
Hi again,
I'm writing this journal less as a journal, and more as a place for me to have a monologue about some thoughts I've had for a while now - namely some of my behaviors.
You see, ever since I started uploading my work here to FA I've felt a kind of excitement, yet trepidation. I enjoy knowing people will see my work, and that some will comment nice things, but I find myself some days struggling with a part of me that lives in fear of receiving negative feedback on the things I post. I know - haters gonna hate - but I feel like this behavior is something that stems from my natural quiet-ness, and how I see myself (or don't).
But I digress - the main thing I'm here to write about is this feeling of rushing forward. I feel like I can't sit still, per-se. I feel like I must upload regularly, less I be forgotten or ignored. Probably due to a select few telling me that very thing a couple years ago when I first made this account - and the thought stuck around.
Lately though, it's not that I necessarily fear being forgotten, rather, I have trepidation due to uncertainty; I fear people will interpret me or my work in a negative light, which could block me from future friendships, or creative ideas. I like when people like me, and I try to justify someone else liking me or my work by being friendly and non-judging (as I wish more people would be like). There are people I look up to, people who inspire me, who I respect and look to their success as inspiration for my own works, which does give me motivation and a tad bit more self-confidence (which I find myself lacking most often than not), but I ultimately hold how the public sees me and my works in high regard. This is something that I can't determine if its right to do or not. I can't say if I've been misguiding myself, or not.
I understand that ultimately if you like to do something and it makes you happy then what someone else says about it doesn't matter - your opinion of what you like to do is all that matters. But as stated before, I hold in higher regard the opinions of those I look up to in some way or another. Even then, I'm unsure if even that's good for me to do or not. Am I relying too heavily on other's views of me? Should I just push forward in the things I enjoy doing, regardless of outside opinion? These are things I tend to ask myself when it comes to mind.
I dunno, maybe I internally want recognition, and I can't see that from the outside, or I'm so much of a helper to others that I forget to help myself. For the small few who go about reading this journal, I'd like to ask you: Am I alone in thoughts like this? Do you cherish the public's opinion of you, or do you just be yourself and go forward regardless?
Alas, I think this monologue is enough to express my thoughts. I'm kind of uncertain if this kind of thing is suitable for journals, but I can't think of another way to express some of my inner thoughts on topics like this.
Still though, thanks for reading - I appreciate it.
-Ryuvi
I'm writing this journal less as a journal, and more as a place for me to have a monologue about some thoughts I've had for a while now - namely some of my behaviors.
You see, ever since I started uploading my work here to FA I've felt a kind of excitement, yet trepidation. I enjoy knowing people will see my work, and that some will comment nice things, but I find myself some days struggling with a part of me that lives in fear of receiving negative feedback on the things I post. I know - haters gonna hate - but I feel like this behavior is something that stems from my natural quiet-ness, and how I see myself (or don't).
But I digress - the main thing I'm here to write about is this feeling of rushing forward. I feel like I can't sit still, per-se. I feel like I must upload regularly, less I be forgotten or ignored. Probably due to a select few telling me that very thing a couple years ago when I first made this account - and the thought stuck around.
Lately though, it's not that I necessarily fear being forgotten, rather, I have trepidation due to uncertainty; I fear people will interpret me or my work in a negative light, which could block me from future friendships, or creative ideas. I like when people like me, and I try to justify someone else liking me or my work by being friendly and non-judging (as I wish more people would be like). There are people I look up to, people who inspire me, who I respect and look to their success as inspiration for my own works, which does give me motivation and a tad bit more self-confidence (which I find myself lacking most often than not), but I ultimately hold how the public sees me and my works in high regard. This is something that I can't determine if its right to do or not. I can't say if I've been misguiding myself, or not.
I understand that ultimately if you like to do something and it makes you happy then what someone else says about it doesn't matter - your opinion of what you like to do is all that matters. But as stated before, I hold in higher regard the opinions of those I look up to in some way or another. Even then, I'm unsure if even that's good for me to do or not. Am I relying too heavily on other's views of me? Should I just push forward in the things I enjoy doing, regardless of outside opinion? These are things I tend to ask myself when it comes to mind.
I dunno, maybe I internally want recognition, and I can't see that from the outside, or I'm so much of a helper to others that I forget to help myself. For the small few who go about reading this journal, I'd like to ask you: Am I alone in thoughts like this? Do you cherish the public's opinion of you, or do you just be yourself and go forward regardless?
Alas, I think this monologue is enough to express my thoughts. I'm kind of uncertain if this kind of thing is suitable for journals, but I can't think of another way to express some of my inner thoughts on topics like this.
Still though, thanks for reading - I appreciate it.
-Ryuvi
In my opinion one will improve their skill the best if they do what they want to do because there's always going to be a driving force inside them that keeps them from laying down their pen, from setting aside their (virtual) easel.
I've looked thru your gallery and find quite a few of your pics pretty inspiring. I've seen few artist do something like concept art, using their own designs, projecting what they have in their heads onto a digital canvas. You also seem to invest quite some time in the race you created, I'd say one way or the other keep it up, it's really interesting!
I myself am not an artist or at least not much of one. I do draw and design something every now and then but my tools of choice are my keyboard and mouse when I work on a special type of software: video games.
My current project is a video game featuring the Avali race, it's not a mod though, it's a game we (my team) are building from scratch. Since a few months we've gone public with our development and have received positive feedback. This wasn't always the case though because we were doing our work in a closed group because we... or rather because I was afraid of negative reviews, people demanding to see a ready to play game in no time despite the fact that it takes a lot of time to make one.
I didn't stop with development though. I did what I liked, I really wanted to build that game, not matter what the rest of the community would think. Even when I felt depressed it was kind of a source of strength to see our own creation, see the code I wrote run and an Avali character come to life on screen.
Do what motivates you first and if someone criticizes you, try to learn from it as long as it is polite and constructive. if someone's like "your art is meh" just ignore them. Haters gonna hate as you said. There's always going to be someone who seems to feed off of other's anger after they've insulted them.
I think its just the whole "I put a lot of effort into this and people like it!" thing, it feels nice to be recognized for effort.
Though imo you shouldn't let people's opinions on things dictate how you develop your own stuff, lest it begin to restrain the creative process.