I know I'm not very active here if at all, and I don't really talk much, so I don't know how many people will see this
Some of you may know that for many years - really for as long as I can remember - I've been battling with depression and anxiety

If I'm being honest I don't know what to say, I've never really opened up about my depression to anyone; this is the first time in my life that I'm actually reaching out for help
It's always been hard for me to express how I truly feel, I've always told myself that it's not worth saying anything if nothing can really be done about it, or simply that no one would care, or if nothing else just to avoid any confrontation

Even now as I'm writing this journal, I'm having doubts on whether I should even bother posting it
"Would anyone read this? Even if anyone did, would they care? And even if they cared, would it make any difference?"
Most of my feelings and insecurities are things that I've just never resolved because of doubts like this, and it all gets pushed aside so I can pretend it doesn't exist

And I mean don't get me wrong, none of this is because of events in my life now [honestly I've dealt with this for so many years I don't know if there even is a root cause]
I'm a happy guy living a happy life, but I think sometimes - or maybe a lot of the time - I only say that I'm fine because I don't want anyone to ask what's wrong
I don't like taking about my problems because I'm scared of dealing with my own emotions, so instead I'd rather put it all in a box and stick it on a shelf so I can carry on with my day

Even if I'm not consciously thinking about it, my depression will still find ways to bubble to the surface in my everyday life
This most often comes in the form of obsessing over being perfect in everything that I do, and to such an unhealthy degree that I will tear myself apart if I make even the littlest mistake

I understand that bottling up my emotions has never been healthy for me, but it's a habit I've never been able to break
My head gets so clouded with doubts and questions that it's difficult for me to even make sense of it all, let alone try to talk about it or work through it

Even with all this being said though, the thing eating at me the most is the fact that I don't know how to deal with any of this, especially now after it's built up after years and years of just letting myself suffer in silence
I'm at a point now where I'm done allowing my fear to hold me back from reaching out, even if I don't know exactly what steps to take
All I know is the longer I let myself stay quiet about this, the worse it's going to get

And so instead of admitting defeat and continuing to let my depression control me, I'm here asking for help
What would you suggest I do?
Thank you for taking the time to read