I think before I came out to myself as trans, social dysphoria has played a huge role in me being "disinterested" in pursuing relations with women. It's not that I didn't want a girlfriend, it's that I didn't like the role of being the "boyfriend" for reasons I couldn't explain.

So I tried pursuing guys because I thought it would feel more "correct", but I kept trying to present myself as more feminine and not a whole lot of the gay dudes I talked to or messed around ever seemed interested or comfortable with that which confused and distressed me. Me ever being the top was absolutely out of the question.
one guy I was talking to asked me point blank why I was so averse to topping and I absolutely STRUGGLED with trying to explain to him why the thought of me taking the more "masculine" role made me so uncomfortable. It just didn't feel like me.

Whenever i made a feeble attempt to pursue a girl in a relationship, it was never because i truly wanted it, but because i felt like i was pressured to do so? I never agonized the question of asking a girl I liked out because I genuinely wanted to date her, but because I just thought that's what I was supposed to do.
God forbid my dad ever find out i was friends with a girl because it was inevitable that he would suggest I try to get with her.

Every time a family member tried to pressure me into getting with a girl it made me want to fucking scream. I pushed back against them much to their annoyance and confusion and we all thought it was because I was just too socially awkward and anxious. i guess that was actually a part of it but now that i look back, it was mostly social dysphoria and I didn't even know it at the time. I just hated being a man. I hated having those expectations put on me.

it's funny looking back on my life and seeing all this so clearly now, and now that i know what i want and what i need to actually be comfortable with myself it's beyond fitting that my family will most likely never accept it. I'm getting a grip on this now and I'm transitioning here at home under my family's noses. Consequences be damned. I can't live like this for much longer. Living my life as a man is not an option. I can't deal with that kind of torture.

On the other hand, I'm just awaiting the inevitable ostracization that's going to come from this. My choices are: At best living my life as a husk where my capacity for real happiness is always mitigated by self loathing, depression, anxiety, and dysphoria. OR. Run the high risk of being shunned and discarded by those whom should love me unconditionally.

I didn't ask for this. Nobody in their right mind would ever fucking ask for this.