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Total Misery, total breakdown
6 years ago
I'm trying to avoid FA... a lot of painful memories, stupid mistakes and just all around ... I just don't know anymore. I'm just a wreck at the moment.
News on my mother: she got the surgery, but has been all out hell for my family. After going from the hospital to physical rehab, she managed to get kicked out of rehab due to her ability to just not do anything. They ended up dropping the burden onto us and we're stuck with a person that just sits there, demands day and night to feed her, medicate her and turn her... while mentally breaking us. I just don't think I can mentally handle anything anymore.... I... I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so mentally tired... I just wish it would just all end. Having to be mentally abused by her, watching my family mentally and physically suffer.
I don't know what to say... I've just given up. I'm mentally broken and I guess I'm sorry? I don't know... I can't ever be happy. Oh god there's nothing left me for me here and I'm so fucking tired... and she comes home at 4 from her dialysis and the hell is just gonna start again. the "turn me here" and "turn me there" and "lift me up". Every hour, everyday. The mental abuse she does with your empathy is terrible. No wonder why I am so fucking crazy... why I always wanted to disappear from reality and acted so clingy... I have a literal fucking devil to live with. I have no one to talk to, I was raised to trust no one because of her.... she a fucking lying bitch that drains everyone's happiness. It just never ends.
Better yet, I can never recover from the friendships and relationships I lost... I asked myself why did I do the things I've done... I realize now. My life, my insecurities came from my mother. The manipulation breed from her lies and devilish ways of trying to controls us... to break my family apart for her own wants and entertainment. her ways of trying to control people and I fell over and over from that. I just wasn't strong enough to realize it. To fix the issues before it was to late... and in the end I hurt someone I cared about because of her... my insecurities, my happiness, taken away, ripped apart because I allowed that bitch to dig her talons into me... to tear my mentality apart... and now I have nothing... no one. Just myself in living hell.
I have nothing but my ashes.. my pain... I'm going to die here. I'm so sorry to the people I hurt. I wish I was a better person.
News on my mother: she got the surgery, but has been all out hell for my family. After going from the hospital to physical rehab, she managed to get kicked out of rehab due to her ability to just not do anything. They ended up dropping the burden onto us and we're stuck with a person that just sits there, demands day and night to feed her, medicate her and turn her... while mentally breaking us. I just don't think I can mentally handle anything anymore.... I... I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so mentally tired... I just wish it would just all end. Having to be mentally abused by her, watching my family mentally and physically suffer.
I don't know what to say... I've just given up. I'm mentally broken and I guess I'm sorry? I don't know... I can't ever be happy. Oh god there's nothing left me for me here and I'm so fucking tired... and she comes home at 4 from her dialysis and the hell is just gonna start again. the "turn me here" and "turn me there" and "lift me up". Every hour, everyday. The mental abuse she does with your empathy is terrible. No wonder why I am so fucking crazy... why I always wanted to disappear from reality and acted so clingy... I have a literal fucking devil to live with. I have no one to talk to, I was raised to trust no one because of her.... she a fucking lying bitch that drains everyone's happiness. It just never ends.
Better yet, I can never recover from the friendships and relationships I lost... I asked myself why did I do the things I've done... I realize now. My life, my insecurities came from my mother. The manipulation breed from her lies and devilish ways of trying to controls us... to break my family apart for her own wants and entertainment. her ways of trying to control people and I fell over and over from that. I just wasn't strong enough to realize it. To fix the issues before it was to late... and in the end I hurt someone I cared about because of her... my insecurities, my happiness, taken away, ripped apart because I allowed that bitch to dig her talons into me... to tear my mentality apart... and now I have nothing... no one. Just myself in living hell.
I have nothing but my ashes.. my pain... I'm going to die here. I'm so sorry to the people I hurt. I wish I was a better person.
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