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Crushing
6 years ago
General
Sometimes I wonder if I'm too weird.
If I really am a horrible person on the inside.
If I really am wrong about a lot of the things I say and think.
I've made all of these journals, but I don't feel any smarter in regards to anything.
I've forgotten everything I've learned from college, and a big amount of things I've learned from school before college.
I can't see where I'm going in the future. Nothing. As long as I've been thinking about it, I was hoping something would have come to mind by now.
I remember saying I feel like I'm trapped, and that's what leaving was supposed to fix. But I can't help shake the feeling that maybe it's a dumb move.
I don't know what to think. As old as I am and I'm still lost, despite all I've done to think and prepare for the future.
It was all for naught. Almost my entire life has been a waste, and it sucks so hard.
There's nothing there. Even if / when I leave, what then? Thinking about it, it would be too easy for something to go wrong, and rather hard to "reintegrate".
This society. These people. This world...
They'll have you doubting even your own sanity.
When the world can look at you and make you believe you don't exist, even when staring at yourself in the mirror, things have truly gotten bad.
I know I shouldn't keep thinking or making stuff like this, but every time I try to think of better days... not a lot comes to mind.
I know that I'll never be able to get my lost and stolen days and years back. I was hoping that at least something good could have come from it, but again, not a lot comes to mind.
If I really am a horrible person on the inside.
If I really am wrong about a lot of the things I say and think.
I've made all of these journals, but I don't feel any smarter in regards to anything.
I've forgotten everything I've learned from college, and a big amount of things I've learned from school before college.
I can't see where I'm going in the future. Nothing. As long as I've been thinking about it, I was hoping something would have come to mind by now.
I remember saying I feel like I'm trapped, and that's what leaving was supposed to fix. But I can't help shake the feeling that maybe it's a dumb move.
I don't know what to think. As old as I am and I'm still lost, despite all I've done to think and prepare for the future.
It was all for naught. Almost my entire life has been a waste, and it sucks so hard.
There's nothing there. Even if / when I leave, what then? Thinking about it, it would be too easy for something to go wrong, and rather hard to "reintegrate".
This society. These people. This world...
They'll have you doubting even your own sanity.
When the world can look at you and make you believe you don't exist, even when staring at yourself in the mirror, things have truly gotten bad.
I know I shouldn't keep thinking or making stuff like this, but every time I try to think of better days... not a lot comes to mind.
I know that I'll never be able to get my lost and stolen days and years back. I was hoping that at least something good could have come from it, but again, not a lot comes to mind.
even for its own good. not that it hasn't jumped off the deep end too.
it just needs to learn to look where its going.
we can't just not look and expect everything to be ok,
no matter how much some beliefs seem to say that's the thing to do.
worry is not good, but ending up where there's more to worry about is worse,
no matter how much conventional accumulation that might bring
or might still not, certainly no guarantee the it will.
conventionality is only a guide to acceptance and popularity,
but these things do not bring a gratifying life.
without imagination there is no gratification in life,
but with logic and consideration, even hells can be turned into paradise,
while for those who hate them, even paradise becomes a hell.
the helpful thing to remember about human society,
is that it is a very tiny box beyond which is a the real universe,
on of infinite diversity to which that of one species or one planet is extremely trivial indeed.
logic and imagination do not exclude each other, but hating logic is what keeps everything screwed up.
and then people invent beliefs to make excuses for hating logic,
because they fear if they didn't keep things screwed up, their world would end.
whatever that means.
what all does mean, is that we, don't have to contribute to the keeping of things screwed up.
when people pretend their god hates logic, they are not gods, just people blowing smoke about which they know nothing, at each other.