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I am heading to huge wave on my life.
6 years ago
私は多分私の人生で結構今まで迎えた事のないでかい波を迎えているのかもしれません。
私は今まで色んな波を何とか乗り越えながら生きていましたが、今度の波は結構きついですね。
体も精神も砕けそうで、もぅ何もかも諦めたいところです。何日前は生への執着も消えて、ただ死ななくて生きている存在だと思いました。
死にたいけど自殺はだめ…でもこのように生き続けても何の意味も、楽しみも、目的や目標もなく、ただ受動的に誰かにされるがままに、そんな風に死ぬまで生き続くのはいやだ…
…本当に体や精神が不便で、あと数日だけ生きたい人には贅沢な話だということは知っていますが、でもそうやってもっと不幸な人と自分を比べながら相対的な幸せを得ることに何の意味があるのでしょう。
結局自分や周りの環境が変わらない限り現在の問題は何も変わらない。薬に頼って不安や鬱を落ち着かせても根本的問題や現象を解決しない限り、何も変わらない。
私は、傲慢かもしれませんが、多分頭ではいろいろと理解していると思っています。でも頭では理解していてもそれを実現するのがなかなかできない。
自分の人生を幸せにするのも不幸にするのも心次第とか…よく聞いたりしますが、それが簡単にできないのです。
何でいつもまじめになろうとするのか、なんでみんなを満足させようとするのか、なぜ自分にそんなに厳しくて自ら苦しむのか。
今までの注入式教育のせい？自分の価値観のせい？理由は未だに分かりません。
たまにはちょっとだけ無責任になりたい。たまには自分自身の為に生きたい。たまには悪い人になりたい。でも習慣はそう簡単に変えない。
今私を一番苦しめているのは何なのか未だに整理できません。仕事が適性に合わないから？期待したことと違って？もしくは組織(チーム)の人が難しくて？又は自分が自分に厳しすぎて？
…もぅ頭の中が雑念と悩みと心配でいっぱいで、いっそ死ぬ方がマシだと思うレベルまで行ってました。だから最近は薬の力に頼ったりしてわざと頭を空にしようとしています。（でも副作用が酷くて現在は薬は飲んでません）
そう、ちょっとだけ、無責任になろう。自分の事だけ考えよう。命の危機だから、仕方ないんだ。自己合理化しながら、生き続けてみようとしています。
来週になるとまた仕事に戻る。上の人に私の悩みを話して近いうちに社長面談もします。会社は一応組織が優先だから、私のような新入りのわがままを聞いてくれるのはできないでしょう。
慎重に自分の状況と要求事項、そして私が会社で何がしたいかをアピールすれば…たぶんそれが今の私ができる最善。勿論これ以上の良い方法や努力する方法もあるとは思いますが、
今の力と体力ではこれが限界だと思います。
…まぁ、それでも失敗だったら…最悪仕事を辞めれば良いんでしょう。直ぐ死ぬわけでもないし、本当に死ぬよりはましだろうし。
ただし、その後がまた怖いんです。今度また諦めたら2回目。これ以上会社生活が出来るか？私は社会に適応できないのか？私を受け入れてくれる会社が見つかるか？
仕事が見つからなかったらこれからどうすればいいか…まぁ、暗闇で答えの出ない悩みばっかり頭の中で無限ループしてまた自分を苦しめます。
…なんとか生きてみます。
OK I wrote down in Japanese to summarize my thought first.
Well I could just write down in Korean first but then I will have to translate into Japanese again for my Japanese friends.
Since Korean and Japanese has very similar grammar structure, I just wrote down Japanese first.
I think I'm heading to biggest wave in my life.
I've been overcome many waves in my life, but this time I'm not sure I can make it.
It's shattering my mind and body that makes me want to give up everything.
and actually few days ago, I lost my will to live and became suicidal.
I was living just because I couldn't die.
I know suicide is bad. but if I still live like this, without any fun, any purpose, just living passively, ordered by someone until end of my life? I don't want to live like that.
I know this can be luxurious thinking for people who actually dying now, who wants to live few more days.
But, what's the meaning of getting happiness from comparing your life with others?
If I don't change myself or surroundings, things won't change.
Relying on drug might reduce my depression and anxiety but this can not fix the problem.
This might sound arrogant, but I understand pretty much on my head. but it's hard to move into action with my body to realize and make a change.
"You are the master of your own life and you can make your reality into heaven, or hell. it all depends on your mind" Yes I understand that very well but it's not that easy.
Why am I always trying to be diligent, trying to satisfy everyone, why am I so harsh on myself and tormenting myself?
Is that because of our education system?(teaching by rote, obey to your boss) or because of my set of values? I still don't know why.
Sometimes I want to be less-responsible. sometimes I want to live for myself. sometimes I want to be a bad person. but you can't change your habit easily.
I am still not sure and confused what is making me so suffering.
Is it because my job doesn't fit to me? different from what I expected? or can't get along with my team? or I am too hard on myself?
...My head was full of thought, anxiety and depression, I almost wanted to kill myself. So I tried SSRIs to empty my head. (but failed because of side effects, and I quit my drug now)
Let's be a less-responsible person. Care myself first. I'm on life-threat level situation so I can rationalize myself..
Next Monday, I will go back to work. I told my situation to my boss and he told to the higher person, there will be interview with my company CEO.
I know the group comes first for the company and they can not listen all my whining stuff.
I need to carefully explain my situation and requirements wisely and appeal what I can do for the company I guess.
I think that is probably the best thing I can do for now. of course there might be much better solution or way to try hard, but with my current strength and health, this is my limit.
and- if everything fails... in worst case, I can just resign my job. I won't die immediately if I lose my job right now. and It is much better than actually kill myself (if it's killing me).
But I'm just afraid of 'the next'. If I give up again, this is the 2nd time. Can I continue my company life? Can I adapt into this society? Will there be a company that can accepts me?
What if I can't find my job, what should I do... well, this answerless worry is endlessly looping in my head and tormenting myself continually.
...anyway I will keep try to stay alive and survive.
私は今まで色んな波を何とか乗り越えながら生きていましたが、今度の波は結構きついですね。
体も精神も砕けそうで、もぅ何もかも諦めたいところです。何日前は生への執着も消えて、ただ死ななくて生きている存在だと思いました。
死にたいけど自殺はだめ…でもこのように生き続けても何の意味も、楽しみも、目的や目標もなく、ただ受動的に誰かにされるがままに、そんな風に死ぬまで生き続くのはいやだ…
…本当に体や精神が不便で、あと数日だけ生きたい人には贅沢な話だということは知っていますが、でもそうやってもっと不幸な人と自分を比べながら相対的な幸せを得ることに何の意味があるのでしょう。
結局自分や周りの環境が変わらない限り現在の問題は何も変わらない。薬に頼って不安や鬱を落ち着かせても根本的問題や現象を解決しない限り、何も変わらない。
私は、傲慢かもしれませんが、多分頭ではいろいろと理解していると思っています。でも頭では理解していてもそれを実現するのがなかなかできない。
自分の人生を幸せにするのも不幸にするのも心次第とか…よく聞いたりしますが、それが簡単にできないのです。
何でいつもまじめになろうとするのか、なんでみんなを満足させようとするのか、なぜ自分にそんなに厳しくて自ら苦しむのか。
今までの注入式教育のせい？自分の価値観のせい？理由は未だに分かりません。
たまにはちょっとだけ無責任になりたい。たまには自分自身の為に生きたい。たまには悪い人になりたい。でも習慣はそう簡単に変えない。
今私を一番苦しめているのは何なのか未だに整理できません。仕事が適性に合わないから？期待したことと違って？もしくは組織(チーム)の人が難しくて？又は自分が自分に厳しすぎて？
…もぅ頭の中が雑念と悩みと心配でいっぱいで、いっそ死ぬ方がマシだと思うレベルまで行ってました。だから最近は薬の力に頼ったりしてわざと頭を空にしようとしています。（でも副作用が酷くて現在は薬は飲んでません）
そう、ちょっとだけ、無責任になろう。自分の事だけ考えよう。命の危機だから、仕方ないんだ。自己合理化しながら、生き続けてみようとしています。
来週になるとまた仕事に戻る。上の人に私の悩みを話して近いうちに社長面談もします。会社は一応組織が優先だから、私のような新入りのわがままを聞いてくれるのはできないでしょう。
慎重に自分の状況と要求事項、そして私が会社で何がしたいかをアピールすれば…たぶんそれが今の私ができる最善。勿論これ以上の良い方法や努力する方法もあるとは思いますが、
今の力と体力ではこれが限界だと思います。
…まぁ、それでも失敗だったら…最悪仕事を辞めれば良いんでしょう。直ぐ死ぬわけでもないし、本当に死ぬよりはましだろうし。
ただし、その後がまた怖いんです。今度また諦めたら2回目。これ以上会社生活が出来るか？私は社会に適応できないのか？私を受け入れてくれる会社が見つかるか？
仕事が見つからなかったらこれからどうすればいいか…まぁ、暗闇で答えの出ない悩みばっかり頭の中で無限ループしてまた自分を苦しめます。
…なんとか生きてみます。
OK I wrote down in Japanese to summarize my thought first.
Well I could just write down in Korean first but then I will have to translate into Japanese again for my Japanese friends.
Since Korean and Japanese has very similar grammar structure, I just wrote down Japanese first.
I think I'm heading to biggest wave in my life.
I've been overcome many waves in my life, but this time I'm not sure I can make it.
It's shattering my mind and body that makes me want to give up everything.
and actually few days ago, I lost my will to live and became suicidal.
I was living just because I couldn't die.
I know suicide is bad. but if I still live like this, without any fun, any purpose, just living passively, ordered by someone until end of my life? I don't want to live like that.
I know this can be luxurious thinking for people who actually dying now, who wants to live few more days.
But, what's the meaning of getting happiness from comparing your life with others?
If I don't change myself or surroundings, things won't change.
Relying on drug might reduce my depression and anxiety but this can not fix the problem.
This might sound arrogant, but I understand pretty much on my head. but it's hard to move into action with my body to realize and make a change.
"You are the master of your own life and you can make your reality into heaven, or hell. it all depends on your mind" Yes I understand that very well but it's not that easy.
Why am I always trying to be diligent, trying to satisfy everyone, why am I so harsh on myself and tormenting myself?
Is that because of our education system?(teaching by rote, obey to your boss) or because of my set of values? I still don't know why.
Sometimes I want to be less-responsible. sometimes I want to live for myself. sometimes I want to be a bad person. but you can't change your habit easily.
I am still not sure and confused what is making me so suffering.
Is it because my job doesn't fit to me? different from what I expected? or can't get along with my team? or I am too hard on myself?
...My head was full of thought, anxiety and depression, I almost wanted to kill myself. So I tried SSRIs to empty my head. (but failed because of side effects, and I quit my drug now)
Let's be a less-responsible person. Care myself first. I'm on life-threat level situation so I can rationalize myself..
Next Monday, I will go back to work. I told my situation to my boss and he told to the higher person, there will be interview with my company CEO.
I know the group comes first for the company and they can not listen all my whining stuff.
I need to carefully explain my situation and requirements wisely and appeal what I can do for the company I guess.
I think that is probably the best thing I can do for now. of course there might be much better solution or way to try hard, but with my current strength and health, this is my limit.
and- if everything fails... in worst case, I can just resign my job. I won't die immediately if I lose my job right now. and It is much better than actually kill myself (if it's killing me).
But I'm just afraid of 'the next'. If I give up again, this is the 2nd time. Can I continue my company life? Can I adapt into this society? Will there be a company that can accepts me?
What if I can't find my job, what should I do... well, this answerless worry is endlessly looping in my head and tormenting myself continually.
...anyway I will keep try to stay alive and survive.
Peep at me anyday you need.
And then use this extra time to talk to old friends, get anecdotes, those really help you move forward and give you hope, they did for me
Some people swerve into religion for a little counsil, others tend to travel to get a different perspective before making any hard decisions
you've been over so many waves, again and again, it should prove that you're capable, every single time. and will be again.
game's never over.
We may not talk much, but I'm here for you.
I care for you, I really do, and I hope you are able to be feeling better :<
After the storm there's calm. The calm is within you.
Find it.
We'll be cheering you along, Never Give Up!
You owe nothing when they take so much from you. Many many many people feel the same way!
We are in this together!
がんばって！