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Some Problems I've Been Having + Monetary Whining
6 years ago
I'm gonna write a journal talking about some of the problems and issues I have that revolve around commissions specifically. I've been thinking about it recently and I guess I just sorta want to get it off of my chest.
The mere idea of taking commissions makes me anxious right now. Thinking about how many people are going to raise their hands the moment I open officially. Thinking about what kind of ideas they're going to ask me for. Thinking about having to start a list. Thinking about actually drawing those things. Thinking about how many of them are going to feature 2 characters, or weird poses, or characters having to be physically interacting with each other. That shit all stresses me way out, and there's nothing I can do about it, because it's part of doing commissions. I can't do commissions if I don't take them.
This is because of several reasons, all of which are stupid.
I don't like saying 'no'. I am a deeply nonconfrontational person 90% of the time (the other 10% is when someone likes something I don't like on the internet), meaning that when someone asks me to draw something that I'm not really in the mood for, I feel a compulsion to say anything other than no. Have you wondered why I rarely give a concrete when I'm asked for things? It's because of that. I'm so worried that I'm going to disappoint or upset someone who has been waiting days, weeks, months, maybe even years to commission me. I'm worried it's going to come across as me not liking the person because I don't want to draw their ideas, or seem like I'm playing favorites by only drawing for certain people.
Edit: A couple of people have suggested that I should narrow the scope of commissions I take down to specific themes more often, so I'm only drawing things I enjoy drawing, but that makes me anxious because I'm worried I'm going to disappoint people who want things outside of that scope. I love drawing gnolls, but not everyone wants gnolls all the time.
As if that wasn't bad enough, I have a lot of anxiety around the idea of underperforming. I'm constantly worried that I'm not going to do a good enough job. That I'm going to draw something for someone and they're not going to be happy with it. That when I give a finished commission to someone and they say "Oh man, this is perfect!" but they're secretly unhappy with it and they're lying to me because they don't want to make me upset, or they don't think I can do a better job so why bother.
I psych myself out of doing commissions without even realizing it. I imagine myself having trouble positioning a character right. I imagine myself not being able to work out the anatomy of a chubby or fat character. I imagine myself not being able to draw a character sitting down right, or not being able to draw the furniture that they're sitting or laying on properly.
Even though you all see this wonderful, carefully produced art, all I think about is how many different ways I can possibly fuck it up, disappoint everyone, and waste everyone's time.
When you've gotten a commission from me in the past that you're super happy about, and you want a sequel because the first one was so good? I just think about how badly the 'great artist' is going to fuck up the sequel and disappoint the shit out of you, then have the gall to ask you for money.
I'm constantly terrified that I'm charging too much for my art - I still feel like I'm charging way too much for it.
I worry about things most of you won't even pay attention to. Is my line thickness consistent throughout all of my picture? Are they going to get upset because I used a different pencil brush than the last time? Are these lines too light? Too dark? If any of you remember back when I used to sketch in Red, I was constantly super anxious when people would tell me that the red color was hard on the eyes because I didn't feel like they looked as good if I used a different color.
A friend of mine linked me this a couple days ago, and a lot of this is exactly how I feel a lot of the time.
https://twitter.com/danidonovan/sta.....78457830129664
The idea that I might have another mental disorder is fucking me up even more. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to take medication for the rest of my life. I just want to be normal, and functioning, and capable.
I miss the times when I could sit down and knock out 10+ commissions in a day, and then do it all again the next day. The last time I felt like I was truly productive - truly worth anything - was back in November. Gnollvember was awesome. I felt like I was really making progress, like I was climbing back on the horse. I actually had money in my pocket for once and didn't feel like I was always fighting an uphill battle to pay my shitty little bills.
But after Gnollvember everything has just been on a constant backslide.
I tried Patreon, but I don't know how to make it work for me. I'm afraid to offer guaranteed art, because I don't feel like I can do the sheer volume that I know I'd get, and I don't like the idea of locking my art behind a pay wall. On top of that all, I keep forgetting Patreon even fucking exists, and I therefore keep forgetting to upload to it. I was planning on putting up my timelapses on there, but I don't know where I can fucking host my adult videos, and Patreon won't let me host the tiny video files there natively. Even if I did figure out something to put up there, how would I even convince people to come back? I put a link to Patreon and Ko-Fi in every submission I post, and I don't know that 90% of my fans even read my descriptions, much less engage with them.
I can't do art packs because the one time I tried making one in the past, it went completely ignored, and that has pretty much permanently convinced me that they're a huge waste of time. I don't know if it's because I've managed to attract such a diverse group of fans that no more than 10 of them like a particular type of fetish, and have money to spend/want to spend money on me in the first place.
I've tried YCHs, but auctions don't go as well for me as other people, and they always just kind of feel like a waste of my time and effort. I've tried growth drives, but they always fall apart really quickly. My most successful growth drive, the one with Xaxoqual, massively underperformed. Prepose pictures go alright, but then I feel like I'm fucking ripping people off, charging them for the same pose as everyone else.
I don't know what to do. I don't think there's anything I can do.
This has just been a journal of me whining.
There's probably stuff I meant to say, but forgot, because my mind is garbage.
Edit: Let me clarify down here that commissions are my only source of income. I'm a full-time artist and full-time tabletop RPG writer. Or maybe part time both, I don't fucking know. I'm barely doing any commissions, so I guess it's hard to say that's full time. haha.
The mere idea of taking commissions makes me anxious right now. Thinking about how many people are going to raise their hands the moment I open officially. Thinking about what kind of ideas they're going to ask me for. Thinking about having to start a list. Thinking about actually drawing those things. Thinking about how many of them are going to feature 2 characters, or weird poses, or characters having to be physically interacting with each other. That shit all stresses me way out, and there's nothing I can do about it, because it's part of doing commissions. I can't do commissions if I don't take them.
This is because of several reasons, all of which are stupid.
I don't like saying 'no'. I am a deeply nonconfrontational person 90% of the time (the other 10% is when someone likes something I don't like on the internet), meaning that when someone asks me to draw something that I'm not really in the mood for, I feel a compulsion to say anything other than no. Have you wondered why I rarely give a concrete when I'm asked for things? It's because of that. I'm so worried that I'm going to disappoint or upset someone who has been waiting days, weeks, months, maybe even years to commission me. I'm worried it's going to come across as me not liking the person because I don't want to draw their ideas, or seem like I'm playing favorites by only drawing for certain people.
Edit: A couple of people have suggested that I should narrow the scope of commissions I take down to specific themes more often, so I'm only drawing things I enjoy drawing, but that makes me anxious because I'm worried I'm going to disappoint people who want things outside of that scope. I love drawing gnolls, but not everyone wants gnolls all the time.
As if that wasn't bad enough, I have a lot of anxiety around the idea of underperforming. I'm constantly worried that I'm not going to do a good enough job. That I'm going to draw something for someone and they're not going to be happy with it. That when I give a finished commission to someone and they say "Oh man, this is perfect!" but they're secretly unhappy with it and they're lying to me because they don't want to make me upset, or they don't think I can do a better job so why bother.
I psych myself out of doing commissions without even realizing it. I imagine myself having trouble positioning a character right. I imagine myself not being able to work out the anatomy of a chubby or fat character. I imagine myself not being able to draw a character sitting down right, or not being able to draw the furniture that they're sitting or laying on properly.
Even though you all see this wonderful, carefully produced art, all I think about is how many different ways I can possibly fuck it up, disappoint everyone, and waste everyone's time.
When you've gotten a commission from me in the past that you're super happy about, and you want a sequel because the first one was so good? I just think about how badly the 'great artist' is going to fuck up the sequel and disappoint the shit out of you, then have the gall to ask you for money.
I'm constantly terrified that I'm charging too much for my art - I still feel like I'm charging way too much for it.
I worry about things most of you won't even pay attention to. Is my line thickness consistent throughout all of my picture? Are they going to get upset because I used a different pencil brush than the last time? Are these lines too light? Too dark? If any of you remember back when I used to sketch in Red, I was constantly super anxious when people would tell me that the red color was hard on the eyes because I didn't feel like they looked as good if I used a different color.
A friend of mine linked me this a couple days ago, and a lot of this is exactly how I feel a lot of the time.
https://twitter.com/danidonovan/sta.....78457830129664
The idea that I might have another mental disorder is fucking me up even more. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to take medication for the rest of my life. I just want to be normal, and functioning, and capable.
I miss the times when I could sit down and knock out 10+ commissions in a day, and then do it all again the next day. The last time I felt like I was truly productive - truly worth anything - was back in November. Gnollvember was awesome. I felt like I was really making progress, like I was climbing back on the horse. I actually had money in my pocket for once and didn't feel like I was always fighting an uphill battle to pay my shitty little bills.
But after Gnollvember everything has just been on a constant backslide.
I tried Patreon, but I don't know how to make it work for me. I'm afraid to offer guaranteed art, because I don't feel like I can do the sheer volume that I know I'd get, and I don't like the idea of locking my art behind a pay wall. On top of that all, I keep forgetting Patreon even fucking exists, and I therefore keep forgetting to upload to it. I was planning on putting up my timelapses on there, but I don't know where I can fucking host my adult videos, and Patreon won't let me host the tiny video files there natively. Even if I did figure out something to put up there, how would I even convince people to come back? I put a link to Patreon and Ko-Fi in every submission I post, and I don't know that 90% of my fans even read my descriptions, much less engage with them.
I can't do art packs because the one time I tried making one in the past, it went completely ignored, and that has pretty much permanently convinced me that they're a huge waste of time. I don't know if it's because I've managed to attract such a diverse group of fans that no more than 10 of them like a particular type of fetish, and have money to spend/want to spend money on me in the first place.
I've tried YCHs, but auctions don't go as well for me as other people, and they always just kind of feel like a waste of my time and effort. I've tried growth drives, but they always fall apart really quickly. My most successful growth drive, the one with Xaxoqual, massively underperformed. Prepose pictures go alright, but then I feel like I'm fucking ripping people off, charging them for the same pose as everyone else.
I don't know what to do. I don't think there's anything I can do.
This has just been a journal of me whining.
There's probably stuff I meant to say, but forgot, because my mind is garbage.
Edit: Let me clarify down here that commissions are my only source of income. I'm a full-time artist and full-time tabletop RPG writer. Or maybe part time both, I don't fucking know. I'm barely doing any commissions, so I guess it's hard to say that's full time. haha.
I am glad you are acknowledging what you've been doing and thinking has been detrimental to yourself.
Regarding being broken vs being normal, being broken -is- being normal. "Normal" is too oft defined by those who have power and live in controlled environments, separated from anyone not already like them. You are functioning and capable and valid, no matter if you take medications to increase your functionality.
You're valid, you're loved, and you are not defined by the art you create. You are who you choose to be, you are how you behave, you are who you surround yourself with. All valid.
I would give some advice, but I've stopped doing that a long while again as I slightly gave up trying to help solve your case (I can still try). I will agree with Echeon on the matter that people love what you do.
All I can really say is try to get the old min back, and make things fun again you rascal.
There's nothing wrong with taking medication if it helps you. I don't know why, or when we all decided that getting help for our problems was a sign of weakness. Honestly I think it's much more inspiring to admit you have problems, and you are looking to fix them. I suffer from anxiety, and depression myself so I know what it's like to have those spiraling thoughts where you worry about something small, and then it continues on, and on into bigger idea of things that can go wrong.
If your mental state is bothering you, I'd suggest perhaps look into getting some counseling. I dreaded the idea myself for years, and years, but got to a point where I couldn't do anything due to my head. I've found that having someone who's a neutral party to help you talk about these problems, and offer advice really changes things. Sometimes they will have suggestions you'd never have considered before, and your problems tend to be more approachable when you talk about them, rather than let them stew in your head.
But just remember there's nothing wrong, or broken with you. We all have problems, and there's no shame in trying to improve yourself.
I tried antidepressants once. They didn't work. I quit them after one of the capsules burst in my throat and caused a burning sensation for about a half hour. I stopped trusting my doctor at that point and I haven't really talked to anyone since then about anything. The antidepressants didn't seem to do anything except make making me horny forever and achieving an orgasm nearly impossible.
The wait period to get into counciling on my insurance is prohibitive and seems like a waste. I don't understand what talking to some rando doctor about my issues will do to help them go away.
And the wait period might be long, but you won't get any further if you don't sign up to join. I myself was very against the idea of therapy for years, and years. Eventually in October of 2018 however I started to realize I was seriously thinking about suicide. That was the lowest point in my life, and I figured nothing could make things any worse. Telling someone about your issues doesn't seem like it will do much at first. But sometimes getting that stuff off your chest and saying it out loud gives you an idea of your problem. When they just fester in your head your issues just build on each other. And they can offer ideas on things you can do to help yourself. That's what their whole area of study is. And if you don't like the couciler your get, you can request another one. Sometimes people don't fit the first one.
But I'd say the big step is just trying something. I know it's easy to stew in your own head and think nothing can help. But when you try to fix yourself, you'll find that it gets easier each time. I hope some of this helps.
It's good to whine every now and again, if you really wanna call it that. I think it's refreshing enough just to show your true feelings, to let the fans/commissioners you're worrying about know that you're worrying, that you're not just cold and distant and 'only want money' or something silly/stupid. From all of the psychology classes I've taken in college, I gotta say you have a lot of very normal worries/fears, dude! Wanting to feel like you're a 'normal' person of 'society' or whatever is really common, and plenty of people feel that way when they see others succeeding around them. You just admitted that art packs and ychs go better for others, so it's obvious you're seeing others succeed in places you didn't. That doesn't mean you're a failure, it just means there's a need for a different approach to those projects, and/or you need to broadcast to different audiences. Stuff like your alpaca series and the gnoll thingy did well because it was species-based, which ties to both tf and people being in groups / a party, etc. ^^ It's very fun and people can relate to it o3o
In my writing, I've learned that certain things you like, or are maybe even known for, aren't always appreciated being in like, everything you do. Like you said with 10 people liking one thing, and a different 10 liking a different thing, maybe that's just what it is. You could be filling a niche that doesn't seem like a niche, but it is? I'm just throwing out ideas really so don't take that too much to heart, but it might be something to keep in mind ^^ (I'm referring to dick-fucking with my work. Most people want the smelly/stinky stuff, not what's arguably body horror)
Going back to your worries, it's normal to feel stressed and worried about your work, dude :c If a rumor went around saying you were rude, and your commissioner base started to wane, then yeah hypothetically speaking you'd be in huge trouble because that's your money. I've been struggling with the same thing; I totally get it dude. You just gotta figure out what motivates you! Obviously, the goal is the satisfied commissioner and the money you get from the work since you literally need it, but you need to figure out why you draw. What you like to draw, what you like to do in commissions, etc. Do you like helping people see a naughty side they've wanted to express for a long time? Is it refreshing to see just how happy/excited your commissioners are when they see/enjoy the piece you make for them? Maybe we don't think of commissions in the exact same way, necessarily, so I'm sorry if I'm just wasting your time with this. xwx; It's just that whenever I struggle to get to work on a story, I remember that I really like being able to do something for them that they're asking me specifically for.
One of the things I learned from my most recent fast food job, and a 'it's not a bad cake and a good cake, it's 2 cakes' thingy on twitter, is that if people are fans of your work, it doesn't matter if your lines are too think/too thin, or the wrong color, or if you made a belly/piece of furniture PERFECT. People love you and your style for you and your style :3 Obviously you're not just gonna throw whatever the hell out there and think 'yeah them bitches'll eat up anything I throw out there', that much is super obvious because you're admitting you worry a ton, and it definitely matters to you. People that've watched you for long enough would know that anyways because you're a cool and kind artist ^^
I know we haven't talked in a long time but if you ever feel like it, go ahead and note me dude :3 I have a discord/telegram to if that's more convenient for you ^^
Edit: Forgot to mention but dude, yeah, the whole 'normal' thing is super overrated u3u; Literally everyone is, has, and/or will struggle(ing/d), some just don't show it as often as others.
I feel like I've been struggling with this forever, and I don't know how to fix it. It's been 7 months and I'm still in the same situation.
Dont give up Min.
As an artist who also strives to please their commissioners I too get those feelings sometimes- where I fear the recipient isn't pleased and all. Like recently I was given a task with a background and- being the kind of person who tries to avoid all flaws, slaved over making sure everything was perfect! Not only do I aim to please the commissioner, but I also aim to challenge myself in order to improve! Suffice to say, and as hard as I try, I sometimes get responses that seem a little underwhelming to say the least. It's a gross feeling, but if I know that I did a good and proper job for the money they paid then all I can do is move on! It may also help to share your work with some online buddies- It's a good feeling to get positive feedback from people you love. uwu
On the subject of artwork costs, were you to charge too much, then you wouldn't have all these people trying to commission you! Consider the demand for art commissions in your direction and react accordingly price wise. As long as people keep coming for the price you're offering you should be A-Ok!
It's great that you voice your concerns or if something is bothering you along the subject of commission work- you're a person with emotions, just like everybody else- and keeping true to your viewers and commissioners makes you a more approachable artist overall.
So, overall, keep ever moving forward and don't worry about what people **might think**- If people have nothing to complain about or say, then you have no reason to worry! You have over 7000 watchers! That's a lot of people! Surely they're watching you because they enjoy your hard work! I know for a fact that I do! n.^.n
I say it's a positive trait, generally, because you see your faults and want to better yourself. Better that than let your skills stagnate or wither. Just need to get past the latest self-doubt phase.
Good luck. I guess I can recommend some quiet reflection when you have time. Try to reconnect with what inspired you to draw in the first place. Take care of yourself ~
Gotta spend less time worrying about what could happen or distracting yourself from that worry, and more time making things happen.
If making things happen means reaching out for help, and accepting you need help, do it. It was one of the hardest lessons in my life.
There's a way out of the hole, usually hiding behind something that you dismissed as impossible or unpleasant.
As an artist, it is indeed your choice to draw things you enjoy or feel comfortable about!
Best thing to do is to make a list of things you will not draw in both categores SFW/NSFW. And if people see that, they won't bother ya about that, they'd understand just like everyone above this post!
But if they don't like it? Then oh well, let'em cry about it, it's not worth making yourself uncomfortable.
Whatever you do, in my personal opinion, I'll stick around to sit in the corner and cheer you on. It'll all be great and good in the end, just like you.
I understand the anxiety over the small details though. It's something I deal with myself, and I know it can be hard to break. The thing I did was to just keep going and when the sketch is done, it can be altered or edited. But alot of the time, I end up being okay with it... And your prices are definitely not too high. With how quickly your queue fills up, you can tell that people are happy with your work and price you're charging for it.
*hugs*
Plus it never feels great to hear that a artist hated drawing a certain picture even..
Speaking as someone who's been diagnosed with schizophrenia, I do honestly understand how you feel about taking meds and being "broken." I have those moments of anxiety too, when I'm taking pills for my mental health throughout the day, that I'm going to go my whole life having to choke down 9 pills a day, and I wish that I could just be normal.
It's a hard thing to live with, feeling like you're broken in that way. It's not an easy thing to make peace with, it can tear you apart. It's not easy to just distract yourself from it when you feel so fundementally flawed over it, but I will just say that I hope you find something that fulfills you and makes you happy more than what you're doing now, because it really sounds like you need and deserve a well earned break from all of this.