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What's been going on with me?
6 years ago
VVVVVV JOURNAL STARTS HERE VVVVVV
My biggest fear is not people disliking what I do. But disliking me because of what I do.
My biggest fear is not people disliking what I do. But disliking me because of what I do.
Hi!
Everyone!
How you all been?
Me?
hehe….
In a world of crazy.
After a while of thinking, I decided to write this journal. I don't aim to write in it a justification for why I been online, but not posting art? Why I been online, but not chatting with people and friends? But because I feel I need to explain to my closer contacts and to the people that watch me and my art still to this day and tell them what’s been up with me and why.
This is simply a way for me to express and open my self-most deeply and honestly possible to the world, as I'm sick of shutting my heart and this is the best way I know how to let it out and possibly fade away this feeling of loneliness a bit more.
To explain, although I kept contact with friends on discord, I haven't been truly alright and for a good while.
starting right when I dropped out of my colleague did this feeling accentuate itself more prominently in me, it has always been with me from the start or possible from a very early stage of my life. I never truly found my self-fitting anywhere, not with my classmates, my friends while playing DND or mtg, or with my own family. Only when I dropped out of my colleague did this feeling make itself full present in me. Becoming tic clouds that blinded me from seeing the possibilities, the choices I had, and my thoughts.
I was taking the degree at a public-colleague, was sadly one of the few limited possibilities I had, do to my low grades I didn't have many options. And I felt the degree was awful, far from just being not what I expected. From a certain point in me going through it, I noticed for a while I felt that I wasn't in the right place. Back in high school, I was influenced by my mom to take the path to science, when I was after arts. She was like all moms afraid that I’d made the wrong choice and ruined my life somehow. Mom’s right..? So, in the end, 9th grade I chose to fallow science. Do I blame her somehow for this? No, it was my choice, and I have been taking full responsibility for it.
And so, one of the reasons I dropped out of a colleague, was because I felt stagnated, not that I have reached my breaking point. But, yes, because, I have reached my limit. I wasn't able to hold on. I struggled with the workload that I had, and I was feeling tired and shattered. I just wanted to run away and get out. Yes, I could have simply switch degrees. But I was scared, I didn't know what to expect if I did. So, I lied to my self-saying I could do it, I can do this degree. I was illuding my self.
Eventually, my brother was about to start his own colleague's life, and to me, he had way better chances to move up in the world than I ever did. And since our parents couldn't sustain us both. I decided to drop out of college and get a job to help them I thought. Wich proved to be an even bigger challenge than before. With no work experience or a degree to hold me, I simply drifted looking for a job.
And, in those, I managed to get it, didn't last long, becoming frustrated as the few places were I got in, I only last lasted a few weeks, before being dropped back into searching.
To attempt to counter this, I decided to take a degree, trying to encapsulate, in an official paper document the knowledge and skills that I already had. It didn't work, eventually finding myself on operator duty on a cardboard box factory. I couldn't stand it. It felt degrading, and mindless, and do to the rotating schedule, I couldn't sleep right, nor plan or do anything. I felt deteriorating even furder. And at this point because of potting my family's needs in front of mine, it all began to make me feel that to my family, I was no more an ATM. I avoiding to tell anyone about it.
For me, it was never easy to speak freely my family, my mom somewhat could, but felt uncomfortable speaking with my father, when chatting about heavier subjects. And it only got worse when he and my brother fell into depression. I completely began avoiding them in does topics, not bringing much up. Preferring to making my self look uninterested or just not listening if anything like that brought up. As for my mom because methods of coping with this only, it only made it harder for me to approach her. I don't know if it was just me, or the whole family had problems expressing our self to each other.
Maybe it was me.
At a point in time, they all attempted to bring me closer to their hobbies and push me to do it. My mom to her art groups, my trying brother cheering me up, or my dad showing interest in what I was doing. And I hated it, deep inside I felt they were only pitying me as if I was a hurt caged animal. Feeling it especially because I had to share the room with my brother. And so I pushed them away from me, and even when I was getting noticed online, praised for my art, starting to be paid to do it. It seems to me it was all for not.
More then shattered, I was broken and for one last-ditch, I was going to create a path to no return. I wanted to break my self for good as a final act. Because I was believing my hobbies were what held me back in life. So, I decided to get another degree one close to visual arts just prove to my self “my skill and ability” was just trash. To drop them and grow up…
How I was wrong… and I’m glad I was.
Because now I feel more connected to my true self. This year, even so, in the end, I even so I didn't complete the degree.
Because of my classmates, my teachers and the experiences, I had with them. Especially because of a trinity of amazing knuckleheads that pushed forward and never give up on me. Instead of finding that I suck at what I like I find out that truly I'm no master but I’m good at it and can do much more if I put my head and heart into it. And a bit more does cloud in my head fade, to be sure and to help me keep in place, I well got psychiatric help.
So, I say (Forgive me for the language.) FUCK THE VOICES IN MY HEAD!! I love to draw, and I'm good at it!! I want to write a book, and I'm going too!!
So I end, saying I'm happy and feel I have grown and learned a lot and can't be any happier.
[To does that read this to the end thank you for the time you pot on it.]
As of now working to finish the commission, I have to do and to set things up to start streaming on twitch and post more art and other things. I changed my name from serlink12th to my oldest name MikeSonOfDragon. Sadly I need a prime account on deviant art to alter that well in time.
I don't know what the future holds for me but at least I'm sure that, I can now see the world a little less clouded.
thank you for reading
have a nice day
Everyone!
How you all been?
Me?
hehe….
In a world of crazy.
After a while of thinking, I decided to write this journal. I don't aim to write in it a justification for why I been online, but not posting art? Why I been online, but not chatting with people and friends? But because I feel I need to explain to my closer contacts and to the people that watch me and my art still to this day and tell them what’s been up with me and why.
This is simply a way for me to express and open my self-most deeply and honestly possible to the world, as I'm sick of shutting my heart and this is the best way I know how to let it out and possibly fade away this feeling of loneliness a bit more.
To explain, although I kept contact with friends on discord, I haven't been truly alright and for a good while.
starting right when I dropped out of my colleague did this feeling accentuate itself more prominently in me, it has always been with me from the start or possible from a very early stage of my life. I never truly found my self-fitting anywhere, not with my classmates, my friends while playing DND or mtg, or with my own family. Only when I dropped out of my colleague did this feeling make itself full present in me. Becoming tic clouds that blinded me from seeing the possibilities, the choices I had, and my thoughts.
I was taking the degree at a public-colleague, was sadly one of the few limited possibilities I had, do to my low grades I didn't have many options. And I felt the degree was awful, far from just being not what I expected. From a certain point in me going through it, I noticed for a while I felt that I wasn't in the right place. Back in high school, I was influenced by my mom to take the path to science, when I was after arts. She was like all moms afraid that I’d made the wrong choice and ruined my life somehow. Mom’s right..? So, in the end, 9th grade I chose to fallow science. Do I blame her somehow for this? No, it was my choice, and I have been taking full responsibility for it.
And so, one of the reasons I dropped out of a colleague, was because I felt stagnated, not that I have reached my breaking point. But, yes, because, I have reached my limit. I wasn't able to hold on. I struggled with the workload that I had, and I was feeling tired and shattered. I just wanted to run away and get out. Yes, I could have simply switch degrees. But I was scared, I didn't know what to expect if I did. So, I lied to my self-saying I could do it, I can do this degree. I was illuding my self.
Eventually, my brother was about to start his own colleague's life, and to me, he had way better chances to move up in the world than I ever did. And since our parents couldn't sustain us both. I decided to drop out of college and get a job to help them I thought. Wich proved to be an even bigger challenge than before. With no work experience or a degree to hold me, I simply drifted looking for a job.
And, in those, I managed to get it, didn't last long, becoming frustrated as the few places were I got in, I only last lasted a few weeks, before being dropped back into searching.
To attempt to counter this, I decided to take a degree, trying to encapsulate, in an official paper document the knowledge and skills that I already had. It didn't work, eventually finding myself on operator duty on a cardboard box factory. I couldn't stand it. It felt degrading, and mindless, and do to the rotating schedule, I couldn't sleep right, nor plan or do anything. I felt deteriorating even furder. And at this point because of potting my family's needs in front of mine, it all began to make me feel that to my family, I was no more an ATM. I avoiding to tell anyone about it.
For me, it was never easy to speak freely my family, my mom somewhat could, but felt uncomfortable speaking with my father, when chatting about heavier subjects. And it only got worse when he and my brother fell into depression. I completely began avoiding them in does topics, not bringing much up. Preferring to making my self look uninterested or just not listening if anything like that brought up. As for my mom because methods of coping with this only, it only made it harder for me to approach her. I don't know if it was just me, or the whole family had problems expressing our self to each other.
Maybe it was me.
At a point in time, they all attempted to bring me closer to their hobbies and push me to do it. My mom to her art groups, my trying brother cheering me up, or my dad showing interest in what I was doing. And I hated it, deep inside I felt they were only pitying me as if I was a hurt caged animal. Feeling it especially because I had to share the room with my brother. And so I pushed them away from me, and even when I was getting noticed online, praised for my art, starting to be paid to do it. It seems to me it was all for not.
More then shattered, I was broken and for one last-ditch, I was going to create a path to no return. I wanted to break my self for good as a final act. Because I was believing my hobbies were what held me back in life. So, I decided to get another degree one close to visual arts just prove to my self “my skill and ability” was just trash. To drop them and grow up…
How I was wrong… and I’m glad I was.
Because now I feel more connected to my true self. This year, even so, in the end, I even so I didn't complete the degree.
Because of my classmates, my teachers and the experiences, I had with them. Especially because of a trinity of amazing knuckleheads that pushed forward and never give up on me. Instead of finding that I suck at what I like I find out that truly I'm no master but I’m good at it and can do much more if I put my head and heart into it. And a bit more does cloud in my head fade, to be sure and to help me keep in place, I well got psychiatric help.
So, I say (Forgive me for the language.) FUCK THE VOICES IN MY HEAD!! I love to draw, and I'm good at it!! I want to write a book, and I'm going too!!
So I end, saying I'm happy and feel I have grown and learned a lot and can't be any happier.
[To does that read this to the end thank you for the time you pot on it.]
As of now working to finish the commission, I have to do and to set things up to start streaming on twitch and post more art and other things. I changed my name from serlink12th to my oldest name MikeSonOfDragon. Sadly I need a prime account on deviant art to alter that well in time.
I don't know what the future holds for me but at least I'm sure that, I can now see the world a little less clouded.
thank you for reading
have a nice day
