I don't know if I am aware of something because it is new, or maybe because I can see it, or feel it. It could just be that sense of different we have whenever there has been surgery. And of course, having to do "therapy" on something three times a day tends to keep it on the mind.

I very much like who I am, and what I am. The struggle to get here sucked, and there are surprises every week, most of them pleasant. Some of the biggest surprises were the things I did not have to struggle with.

I am aware of my new shape and parts every waking hour of every day. Some just off the radar stuff, like when looking straight ahead I can see my own bust in my peripheral vision. When driving some times I feel them against my upper arms. And some insistent awareness, mostly where I had surgery. Yes, I can feel that every waking minute and not just the burning numbness of surgery that was expected and is mostly gone now. I was prepared for that. I am not talking about the sting of upsetting the still healing wound, that lingers but is just about finished. I am aware of my vagina as a vagina all the time, and that can be very distracting. It is affirming in som undeniable ways, but I don't often want to admit just where my mind was a moment ago.

Next week I go back to work and imagine the absurdity of my daily schedule.

Get up dilate shower dress go to work, at lunch lock myself into a privet room and dilate, then at the end of the day rush home dilate and fix dinner. Even my daily schedule keeps me focused on my own sex.

I know most of this will pass.

I don't know how much will linger.

I don't know how much I want to linger.

I don't know how I feel about it.