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My mask broke; and so did my heart.
6 years ago
General
Everybody wears masks. Those who disagree are either being dishonest or do it so casually that they don't even acknowledge it anymore. Some do it more than others, yet the point is, we all do it to some extend. The masks we wear are tailored to represent us as amiable individuals who people will find appealing, configured to conceal the traits we are ashamed of which might put people off. Once you get to know someone, you may trust them enough to carefully lower the veil of deceptionand offer them a brief taste of your true self to see how they respond. Maybe you prefer to wear the mask at all times and play it safe, let people fall in love with your deception and have them think you're something that you are not. Some people are such impressive actors that they eventually convince even themselves that the mask they wear represent their true selves, even if they still have moments in privacy where they drop out of character to cry, grieve or rage. At the end of the day, we are only humans and no one can keep up this charade 24/7 every day of the year without a need for respite.
My mask conceals a lot of sensitive information which I cannot afford to disclose. Lots of people have a romanticized impression of who I am, established solely from the mask I wear, which mean I have acquired a reputation which I do not deserve. The same applies to many, even people far more popular than I, because few know what controversial details they keep hidden under their masks. As someone who suffers from a severe clinical depression, I really need people to like me. It is imperative for me to acquire friends who have faith in me, care about me and deem me worthy to keep around. This is a realistic goal as long as I forcibly bend my personality and configure my mask to exhibit the aspects which people want to see. But deep down... a sense of moral still operates to render me conscientious about my dishonest ways. I keep asking myself, can you truly consider it a meaningful friendship when people adore you for traits you dont have? When people perceive you as someone you are not? When people think you're pristinely devoid of misery while you're completely drenched in it from top to toe? My answer is no - you cannot.
The truth is dark and cruel; the more profoundly you suffer from clinical depression, the less people will have anything to do with you. If you suffer from this ailment, this is definitely something you will want to keep concealed behind the mask. Pretend you are happy and optimistic at all times when you, in fact, cry yourself to sleep every night and find yourself haunted by intrusive desires to end it all. I've done this for many, many years just to acquire something that ressembled friendships and love. Albeit I'm more open about it today, it still happens that I keep it away from people who I am really afraid to lose.
Yesterday, I did a huge mistake. There's this really close friend of mine who I've known for years. We've gotten along really well and he genuinely seemed to care about me. During my semi-hard times, where I did not disclose any significant details, he even said he was always there for me. I could always count on him, he'd always offer me a safe place to seek solace, and so on. The boy was an angel, and over the course of our time together, I had grown to love him so immensely that I developed a profound crush on him. He made my heart flutter in my chest every time we spoke. After years of serenity in our friendship, I thought it was safe to take it to the next level and evolve it into something genuine. I lowered my mask and was ready to tell him everything, let him see my true self, hoping that we'd both go to bed that day loving each other for who we really are. Couldn't wait to put this masquerade behind us and continue as true friends.
Unfortunately, it didn't turn out that way at all. He was shocked and apalled, not even remotely prepared for what he discovered on the other side of the mask, and I only got reveal that I suffer from clinical depression. Can't even imagine how bad it would've gone if I revealed anything else. He was clearly disappointed and requested for me to unite him with the Sinq he used to know, aka the twisted representation of Sinq established by my mask. He kept believing THAT was the real Sinq. He eventually asked his friends for advice on how to deal with this situation, and allegedly, they all agreed that he should drop me like hot iron. I was bad news. This really put some things into perspective for me. Not only did my true self scare away the close friend who I had a crush on... it also made people light their torches to ostracize me. In other words, I can only be loved and cared for when I pretend to be something I am not. Right now, there's nothing I want more than to bury myself in a hole somewhere with my broken heart and just rot away in the soil. If I am so abominable that everything I consist of must be concealed, then it only confirms that I should never have been born.
My mask conceals a lot of sensitive information which I cannot afford to disclose. Lots of people have a romanticized impression of who I am, established solely from the mask I wear, which mean I have acquired a reputation which I do not deserve. The same applies to many, even people far more popular than I, because few know what controversial details they keep hidden under their masks. As someone who suffers from a severe clinical depression, I really need people to like me. It is imperative for me to acquire friends who have faith in me, care about me and deem me worthy to keep around. This is a realistic goal as long as I forcibly bend my personality and configure my mask to exhibit the aspects which people want to see. But deep down... a sense of moral still operates to render me conscientious about my dishonest ways. I keep asking myself, can you truly consider it a meaningful friendship when people adore you for traits you dont have? When people perceive you as someone you are not? When people think you're pristinely devoid of misery while you're completely drenched in it from top to toe? My answer is no - you cannot.
The truth is dark and cruel; the more profoundly you suffer from clinical depression, the less people will have anything to do with you. If you suffer from this ailment, this is definitely something you will want to keep concealed behind the mask. Pretend you are happy and optimistic at all times when you, in fact, cry yourself to sleep every night and find yourself haunted by intrusive desires to end it all. I've done this for many, many years just to acquire something that ressembled friendships and love. Albeit I'm more open about it today, it still happens that I keep it away from people who I am really afraid to lose.
Yesterday, I did a huge mistake. There's this really close friend of mine who I've known for years. We've gotten along really well and he genuinely seemed to care about me. During my semi-hard times, where I did not disclose any significant details, he even said he was always there for me. I could always count on him, he'd always offer me a safe place to seek solace, and so on. The boy was an angel, and over the course of our time together, I had grown to love him so immensely that I developed a profound crush on him. He made my heart flutter in my chest every time we spoke. After years of serenity in our friendship, I thought it was safe to take it to the next level and evolve it into something genuine. I lowered my mask and was ready to tell him everything, let him see my true self, hoping that we'd both go to bed that day loving each other for who we really are. Couldn't wait to put this masquerade behind us and continue as true friends.
Unfortunately, it didn't turn out that way at all. He was shocked and apalled, not even remotely prepared for what he discovered on the other side of the mask, and I only got reveal that I suffer from clinical depression. Can't even imagine how bad it would've gone if I revealed anything else. He was clearly disappointed and requested for me to unite him with the Sinq he used to know, aka the twisted representation of Sinq established by my mask. He kept believing THAT was the real Sinq. He eventually asked his friends for advice on how to deal with this situation, and allegedly, they all agreed that he should drop me like hot iron. I was bad news. This really put some things into perspective for me. Not only did my true self scare away the close friend who I had a crush on... it also made people light their torches to ostracize me. In other words, I can only be loved and cared for when I pretend to be something I am not. Right now, there's nothing I want more than to bury myself in a hole somewhere with my broken heart and just rot away in the soil. If I am so abominable that everything I consist of must be concealed, then it only confirms that I should never have been born.
As a man who's gone through...this...I wanted to say that a mask should not change whom you are. It can hide aspects or keep things under wraps with people that you know wont like them, but it should never hide key things to whom you are. I know from experience...trying to keep a mask up to make people like you only results in you hating yourself, and thinking exactly as you do now. That only with the mask will you ever be loved. But, that's because you've only ever walked around with the mask ^^; of course the people that only see that are going to feel hurt when they realize its all been a lie, that's the nature of it, you are lying to them on who you are. If that is all you want out of a relationship, then like...that's fine! It's the internet after all, keeping up a lie isn't all that hard. But if you want something more, you have to know to drop the mask, before it starts getting to out of hand. If you keep it up, this is all that will happen...you wont find people that like you for you, when all you do is show them who you want to be. You need to show balance, you need to work at showing it in chunks, and doing it early. Let people know they are working with an act and let them try to whittle down to the truth. For then its on them to want to dig deeper, its on them to want to know the real you.
Trust me, from a man who's worn many masks, and who has worn down many more, you'll find people that can and will accept you. You just need to show them. For, to use the metaphor more cleanly in my closing statement...
One that has the mask removed for them is more likely to view whats underneath as a monster, but one that works to remove the mask themselves, is more likely to accept what they find.
The only good thing about showing people your true self early, is that they run away so quick that you never get to develope any emotional attachment to them. This is also why I sometimes choose to just be boldly open about everything so people know what to expect. I have been adviced against doing this as well, though. Everything I do is wrong in one way or the other.
Another thing is... if people can live eternally in oblivion, they will. If I don't remove the mask, it will stay equipped for all time. No one asks questions. Nobody. People, be it IRL or online, can be friends for years and still only know very little about each other. The less they know, the better, I guess.
Relationships are pretty complicated.
But to be honest... I think it is an pretty douchy move to drop someone like an Hot Iron, just because this person has an Illness, or comes bundled with a lot of problems.
I mean... the things you shared, don't just go away from that. People with depression are still the same people.
Of course, everybody is now and then wearing a mask, and... nobody has the obligation to even tell close friends about what is going on inside of you.
But in the end of the day, at least in my Opinion, that parts you chose to show to other people are still parts of yourself.
Everyone tries to roughen their edges around others. Sick or not.
But: even though I escaped in rambling and in technical details (which are just my personal opinion and not rules to the world), I am REALLY sorry to hear that you got hurt that much.
Maybe it will work out eventually, maybe not. But the important thing is: It does not have to define you.
People with depression and other kind of scars sometimes have a hart time to trust people, And to talk about all this shit.
But on the end of the day, you always find people who are able to relate and to like you for yourself, even though it sometimes needs a bit trial and error.
So you've been carrying around a 140 lb weight. You suggest that you cannot claim strength, because you can only carry the weight when people are looking? You show a friend what you endure and they don't offer to help, but criticise you for trying to rest in their presence. It might be that they know they are weaker than you, and can barely move their own luggage and find themselves unfit to share your efforts. It's possible that their other friends are selfish douchebags, who prefer simple playmates to whole complicated people. Their weakness has no bearing on your value as a person. The inevitable internal bullshit that comes with depression has no bearing on your value as a person. That you got burned trying to reveal some hidden facets of yourself has no bearing on your value as a person. The fact you have a heart big enough to even try, that says a lot.