Okay so before anybody asks why I’m writing this? It’s because I’m down at the moment

In February I flew to Florida for my cousin’s wedding at a St. Pete’s beach resort. It was a very beautiful day on February 9th with a wonderful ceremony but after realizing I was all alone and thinking I could never get married or feel what it is like to love somebody I became very sad. My Cousin (who passed away from cancer and is the bride’s sister) she left this world in a tragic way. I missed her and I felt so lonely without a lover that I almost felt hopeless. The resort had 5 floors and on the top floor was where the wedding reception took place, on the other side where the reception was was just a hallway leading towards a balcony. I was all by myself and I noticed it, I walked down the hallway to get some fresh air and lean my arms over the railing of the balcony. Looking at the view of the ocean, I look down to see how high I was since it was the fifth floor. I had this gut feeling and my mind raced with all these thoughts of “Would anybody care if I’m gone?”, “Will they care now if I did die?” or “I feel I am the one that is missing out on everything in life”. I shed at least one tear before I grabbed the railing and put my foot over the bar, contemplating if I really need to do this. I was so nervous because I knew I would die if I jumped but would I feel pain is what I thought. I was scared to feel any pain and then I thought about my future with my family, seeing them crush over my death would probably effect them more than I think. I let go of the railing and went back inside to enjoy the party, still feeling sad but felt better later on that night.

I have had thoughts but ever since that night I never had any sort of commitment to kill myself like that.