This subject is too heavy for me after being through it myself.

Just because someone with depression is smiling doesn't it mean we're okay
Because there thoughts can hit when they're least expected, I never got any hints or anything.. Everything just build up quickly, some days it last for a few minutes, others hours.
Then it became too much.

Its hard to get over, all the thoughts.. memories, I still remember the day so clear.
How angry and upset I was, how willing I was, how pissed off I got when people trying to help me.
How careless I was when the blade crossed my skin.. How afraid I became after seeing what I've done..And when the police showed up later.

Hold those you love close, you never know when they can disappear.
I'm still around because people refuse to let me go, even if i wanted them to.. Something i regret deeply today.

Just seeing people I know puts me on thoughts, being constantly reminded of situations they asked me for something or got my help.. It wouldn't become a situation where they'd ask someone else.
It would be a situation of being reminded of I could have done it, but I'll never be able to again because I'd be gone.
It hurts, so much.

Getting help is hard, I know that far too well..
I dont think I'm the right one to tell who to do what but.. Check in with people, you don't need to ask how they are or what they're up to. Just..Listen to them.
Don't ignore those who begs for help, its having opposite effect.
I'm not saying drop your stuff and give them everything, but when its an emergency.. You can't tell.

I was asked about my address after earlier attempts and that's what saved me honestly, even if I said I would get help once I calmed down, I don't think I would and everything would've repeat itself, maybe just one more time before a "success"

So if you have someone you feel safe with, give out your number and address. Even if they live in another country, you can still help.
Plan something too if you can, promise to call, come over, do some video chat or game together.
Either same day or day after, whenever closest possible.
Because suicidal thoughts doesn't last forever, they come and go.
And having something exciting to look forward to is it easier to slip away from those dark thoughts.

I could have probably written this a lot better but again, its a very heavy subject for me.

I am happy to still be around, even if im scarred and damaged for life.
But that's okay.

Because I survived.