It just dawned on me i dont really know anyone that has similar hobbies to me, my irl friend likes cars but he likes race cars i like trucks so we're on complete opposite sides of the hobby, and the cars i like he's constantly trashing on me for liking them because "they dont handle" Like for the super billinth time i dont give a fuck! Its a daily driver not a track car!! Anyway, i dont know or have any friends that have similar game interests either. and those that i meet in the games i find enjoyable end up vanishing off the face of the earth or switch games because their attention span is that of a nat...Seriously when i find a game i like i can literally put years of my life into it. Lets take EFT for example, i've put about 2000 hours into it in less then a year, every wipe up until recently i put 600+ hours into it and there have been about four wipes sense i started and the next one is coming up soon. No one else i know does this, they always have to have something new exciting etc i mean my friend the one car one, literally can not watch a youtube video over ten minutes long he LEGIT CAN NOT SIT THERE AND WATCH IT. He'll just switch it. Like if its a 20 minute video and its lets say a car build or learning thingg he'll just boom switch it at 10 minutes because he's "bored now" he legit cant play any game what so ever for more then a week before going. "this is boring" and never touching it again...He's the one that got me into EFT and he legit will not touch it, and will come up with bull shit excused like JUST SAY NO FUCKER. GAW its so fucking annoying...He does this when we talk about cars. "My highly modded subaru beat a stock car yeah im so cool that other car sucks!" Like dude you put like 20k into that car and the other one is stock. "No that other car is just trash." Anyway that got a bit ranty so moving on, i just went through my friends list and looked at everyone on it, top to bottom, it wasnt that long like ten people at most on discord and steam, anyway, i looked and very few i talk to let alone play with were on there, hell sense moving i've talked to almost no-one, i got maybe 5-6 that i talk to and half of them are from FA and we only really have fetishes in common. Which is fine actually talking about ideas and such is an amazing distraction from work >~< but when you get down to it, what would we do if we met up in real life, like thats just it...Because literally all my frinds are online, if we met up irl, we'd have literally nothing to do...at all. i hate going out, its expensive, i hate prolonged talking irl because its just time i could be resting im in more pain over my body then i ever have been like i've had worse pain before in one spot not all over, like im always in pain and its draining. Anyway again if anyone of the people i commune with on the interwebs were to come over we'd have nothing to do. If we were in private i guess those that i talk to about fetishes could talk irl about the fetishes? But then wouldnt it just be easier and cheaper to do it online? Like this is the major fear i have with my current relationship, its a long distance and right now, we talk daily and even do some rp stuffs but if he came over here or i went over there...what exactly would we do? Yep you guessed it, sit there, yeah we'd cuddle and talk but...then what? What if he wants to go do something and i just cant? What happens then? Nothing... Its wasted time together then...and the more and more i think about it the more and more i dont see the point in living like seriously...Yeah its only been four months on my own but at the end of the day what have i accomplished? Barely getting buy and what? Nothing, everything i enjoyed doing i now only have like two days a week to do so and even then i feel like im wasting time by doing that likee if i play EFT all weekend i could have spent that time talking with my mate or friends or something and if i do that i feel like i should have played more games or SOMETHING other then one thing but its like i dont have the energy to do that anymore im just so tired and so worn out...When i think about it yeah i have loved ones, yeah they'd miss me if i were gone but because we wouldnt do anything other t hen what we're doing now if we met up why meet up? Thats just a lot of money and time wasted because they could bee doing something else worth while. Like at least of we're talking over the internet they can be out and about with other irl friends and DOING something where as if they came here what would they do? Nothing, we'd talk run out of things to talk about because we have very little in common and then it'd just be us sitting there in silence... AT the end of the day i feel like a waste of space and thats kinda what i am, i do nothing but work, eat, sleep, talk to friends, and thats kind of it, nothing is going to be accomplished in my life in a time span worth even attempting and im just kinda like. "OOkay well...why should i continue? To disappoint those i love? Fail to succeed at being a mechanic before i cant hear and im going blind? Like what happens when i go blind? What am i gonna do? Im gonna sit there and rust in a corner..." And thats not to say blind people cant have amazing lives but i would literally need so much help doing the very basics and thats just...please kill me at that point, at some point in my life i will kill myself there is no denying that its just a matter of when. MY body is decaying and my hope to do anything in my life is well almost gone and its like this at any point in the day no matter what happens. I always feel like im wasting time that i cant get back and when i try and change things it always ends in failure. "You learn from your mistakes." "Well then why do i keep failing at the same things over and over and over again?!" "Well because you're not trying hard enough." "Im literally putting everything i have into this!" "Well then you're just doing it wrong." "So how do i do it right?!" "You keep trying" "FUCK YOU." Everytime someones asks. "How are you?" "Im tired." "Did you sleep last night?" "No mother fucker no i didnt! I cant sleep well, its constant nightmares! And the days i dont have nightmares i dont sleep! And when i do sleep and dont have nightmares im emotionally exhausted i have no rest everytime i get rest for one thing the other thing doesnt get rest!" Im more beat down then the 80 year olds at my fucking work! And they're 4 times my age! Im always tired and they seem so blown away how such a "Young" person can be so fucking broken! People think just because im young im perfectly fit and able and im not! Im falling apart and i want it to stop...but its not going to stop its going to get much much worse as time goes on... and again im back to asking...why...Because its not going to get better and its not going to be okay...it never is