Hello, I am not doing so well this morning. I woke up to something horrible that I would not want to repeat ever again.

I love my dogs very much, yet they can be a handful at times.
We don't have a big place, but we got a big fenced-in area for them to run around and play in.
They are happy, cunning little beast and I adore them to death.
The youngest is a Black Retriever named Pepper who is the smartest of them all and also the most hyper.
She has been getting into trouble lately like taking a whole rotisserie chicken from the countertop. We usually just put her in the pen up part of the house as punishment with pap her nose, not hard just enough for her not to do it again.

I usually play with them, but I been so busy this week and tired from work.
Helping my mom cleaning for her meals, and saving up for the new things to come out soon.
Just average normal things...

Until I hear a scream from my mom, and she tells me that Pepper is in the pen eating a rat.
I hurry up to get dressed, find a glove, and a treat for her to spit out the diguesting thing.
When rushing outside, the other dogs came in up the steps, and I saw Pepper with something with grey/brown fur in her mouth.
She didn't move and was still chewing on it.

The closer I got to it. The sooner I realized it wasn't a rat, but a baby rabbit.
I yelled at her to drop it, holding a broken broomstick to slide it away from her once she did.
It took her a minute to let go, and she took the treat instead.
After getting her far away from it, I noticed that it was still alive.
The poor thing was the size of my hand, and the fur on the back of it's legs was chewed off.
Both it's back legs were broken, enough where I could easily just left them and they snap off.
I didn't though, but what really got to me was the fact its head and front paws were still okay.

This wasn't the first time, considering a few months ago, I found her and my other oldest dog, Sugar with half a rabbit carcass they ate. The back legs and all, but it was easy to dispose of a corpse.
Yet I didn't deal with a barely living rabbit before, and the first thing I did was brought it to the fence and put it on the high end of a shelf to take it out of the pen. I couldn't bring it inside, my mom would freak out or cry at the sight.

So I went back around, took it to the back area of the yard, under my old wooden play fort when I was a kid.
It was quiet, and I could see it still breathing. It could still move and was probably afraid of me. Maybe even coming out of shock. I read some animal's system go numb when predators attacked them while they were getting eaten to make it painless for them. I didn't know what to believe.

I soon set the baby rabbit in a small patch of weeds to lay down for a bit.
I broke my heart seeing it's front paws moving as if it was trying to move on it's own. It's entire back half was chewed up and ravaged. The first thing in my head was to put it out of the little guys misery. I knew logically what to do, but for some reason every time I looked at it. I suddenly got super depressed, and I don't know if it was just from waking up.

I had to figure out how to end this little creature's life without pain. The twisted part I thought of was thinking like a hunter, and putting a knife through it's chest into it's heart. It was too small though and I didn't want to see it suffer. I figured the best next thing was to get a shovel and smack it's head in, but I was so drained I couldn't think I would make a strong impact for a killing blow. The little creature didn't make a sound. I petted it's head, seeing it was scared and confusing, it was so cute if it wasn't for the fact my dog did this.

I couldn't blame Pepper though, she's a dog. It's in her instinct to hunt rabbits. My room was next to the pen with my window facing that direction, yet I was too asleep to even hear what was going on outside. I wonder why rabbits would even go in there with large beast inside! I didn't want to wake up to this! I dealt with dead critters before, and even with pups I raised dying at birth. Yet I couldn't keep stalling. I let it rest, but before I could go inside for a moment. I saw two older rabbits rush out to the nearby neighbor's shed. One of them looking at me scared. That feeling or wheter it knew what was going on, or was just scared of me by instinct. The fact that this little guy could be it's kid who wondered off from it's folks.

We get a lot of rabbits around, and I always say hello when they hid under my ride. This whole mess felt like it just a horrible day. I even consider leaving it outside alone, but I knew very well it wouldn't last in it's condition. Right before I went back into my home. I saw a large cinder block. The block was still in good condition and heavy enough for me to carry and make a huge impact. First I went inside, told my mom what happen. I was trying to get this over with, but I kept pacing thinking about what I had to do.

When I finally brought myself together, and quickly looked for a shovel. I went up to the cinder block and picked it up, carrying both to the back. Along the way, I would hope it would just disappear. That the rabbit would just not be there when I was gone, hoping something else may have taken it or whatever I was hopelessly wishing to occur. Sadly it was still in the patch of weeds I placed it in, still laid there with it's eyes half shut. Still breathing slightly.

I set the cinder block and shovel aside. I kneeled down to it, and pet it's little head. I even thought that maybe a baby carrot would be nice, but I didn't even bother to bring it. I figured why to bother because it wouldn't have a chance to enjoy it or it would be in too much pain to eat. In that moment, I couldn't stop thinking and in a long time. I began to cry for the little guy.
I literally was apologizing for what had happened to it. I hated what I had to do next...

The moment I saw it's eyes open and it's front paws start to move. I moved it over to a more flat area of the ground, pulled some weed to cover it's face. I couldn't bare for it to look at me, as the cinder block was soon lifted high over my head.
I actually scream and used all my force in one drop... it was silent for a moment. It never made a sound at the struck.
I left the block there for a few seconds, and when I picked it up to make sure it was no more.

I took the shovel and buried it near a tree, deep enough for a good foot underground.
I felt like shit finishing the grave for just a random baby bunny, yet this wasn't the first death I dealt with.
It just felt so tragic to me because it was so young. I know critters like that get run over, eaten by a wild beast, or other stupid things.
Yet when you have to take that step to decide it's faith, thinking to end a life so it would stop suffering. It put me in a position where having that control over it's life was critical. Death is never an easy thing to deal with.

So when I got inside, I soon thought, even more, wiping the tears in my eyes. "Was I a monster to that little guy." I saved it from being torn to bits from my dog, in exchange to being crushed to death by me. Did I really do the right fucking thing?
Even after burying it, I prayed to god for it not to suffer anymore and asking for forgiveness for what occurred.

I woke up this morning, hoping just to go to work...instead I woke up like shit, and still have to go to work.

*To the part of a character redesign, I wanted to add something to Shadi that I was drawing for him last night.
I know you guys don't see much character development in my stuff, mostly because I don't post them. They are just saved in a file or a folder on my shelf.

Yet after what happen this moment, I am determined to give him something to reflect this.
I already have it done, but right now I got to get going...

Thank you for reading this, and I hope to post something more art-wise for the next journal.
Take Care