Hey guys sorry I haven’t been active lately. Had a rough few months and just wanted to vent about what has been going on in my life. It started when my grandpa was diagnosed with terminal liver failure and was put into hospice care two months ago. We lived in the same house for the past 19 years and we were very close. Everyday I would watch him get weaker and less aware of his surroundings. Unable to walk or refusing to eat, I even had to pick him up military times off the floor when he fainted from trying to walk. It was heartbreaking to see. Eventually hospice care determined that he didn’t have much time left and took him into a special hospice care where he could pass away peacefully. He passed away eventually on September 20th and I didn’t know how to process it. I couldn’t believe he was gone, that I would never hear his voice again. I kept these feelings inside keeping the tale of his passing only to a few others but I didn’t want to burden anyone with my growing depression and anxiety. My self isolation got to me an eventually I started to mentally breakdown and cried in the bathroom at work. I was scared because my mind and anxiety were playing tricks on me, making me feel faint or tricking me into thinking I was dying. My extreme fear of death was getting to me that I stayed up all night afraid of sleeping, and googling my symptoms for self diagnosis didn’t allievate anything. I went to my doctor and explained everything and I got an increase in anti-depression medication and obtained xanax for anxiety. With the medicine I was slowly getting back to normal these past few weeks. I am seeking help from a therapist but it’s very difficult to find one that fits my work schedule. If I learned anything from this it’s that I shouldn’t keep my feelings to myself and should have seen the doctor earlier. While I am still a very shy person and my self-doubt prevents me from interacting much but I appreciate everyone I ever encountered in my life thus far. I hope that by writing this I will be able to help cope with my grandfather’s passing and encourage others to seek help if they are or ever go through something similar.