You guys might have noticed I stopped posting things here- stopped updating furaffinity or twitter or any of those places entirely with my own art and stuff- the only thing I've been focused on getting out there on a regular basis has been my comic and my patreon... and that's because I'm obligated to do so, I've claimed it's due to laziness in the past- or said that it was a hassle keeping things updated but honestly that's just not true- not entirely at least. (the more of a backlog that formed, I admit the more of a slog I imagined it would be to get through)

Something my patrons definitely noticed was that I stopped doing livestreams, and that my art has been pretty much strictly business for the past year at least, the other day I had to actually admit to myself that it's all related- all of it, my lack of posting, my aversion to streaming, my stage fright, my discomfort when joining in as part of a larger group, the fact I've been keeping to myself and finding it difficult to communicate with others...

about a year ago I had some stuff happen that was a huge blow to my self image- I got kicked out of the biggest art group I've ever been a part of, the only art group at the time I'd been in, and actually did multistreams with, a place where I could freely and openly communicate with a bunch of other artists I knew of by reputation alone. the reason I got removed was a personal issue with one other person in the server, but nonetheless it was a huge blow to my self esteem to basically get kicked out of what was for all intents and purposes in my eyes the "cool kids club"

since then I've been afraid to open up or reach out for fear of continued rejection, I've tried a few times to get my feet wet with other groups but every time I find that I keep relegating myself to the background and assuming that nobody knows or cares about who I am or my work. every time I think about maybe reaching out and finding myself a real community to interact with any bounce ideas off of I get stopped by what can only be described as paranoia that events are going to repeat themselves and that I'm just not good enough or important enough for anyone to care.

This is why I've been too shy to stream, this is why I've been to scared to post anything but highborn, the one thing I've done that people actually pay for so I can't ever say it doesn't have some value, but I recognize that staying like this isn't healthy, and I've got to try and get past all of this somehow.

I've been trying really hard to work on my comic and get things to a point I can feel proud of the work I've made on my own merit alone, and the continued support of my patrons has been a large part of what's kept me going at all, but I feel like I need to get all my feelings down on one spot for people to read so that maybe I can actually move on and start to heal. I want to be a part of something again, I want to be able to join in, I want to have people to talk to, I want to feel like I'm not a nobody that people have never heard of nor should they care.

I want to feel like I'm somebody again.

I'm hoping that now that I've gotten all of this out (I hope) and put it all in one place I might be able to start posting again and get out of this damn bubble I've been hiding in for so long.