"The worst part about having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t."

I think I annoyed someone doing this before but it's my void to yell into if I want to. (sorry)

I'm still struggling from my best friend's suicide in May of 2016. It still puts me on my ass and leaves me echoing internally in despair from time to time.

I'm in a young relationship with a darling boy who I hope will prove out as wonderful as he seems so far. Only time will tell. I'm very afraid to trust again. I'm very afraid I'll hurt him or he'll hurt me. I haven't had the best track record with these things. I've been terrifyingly honest with him about the war waged daily in my head and he's been steadfast and supportive. I usually try to hide how barely functional I am until I can't anymore, so maybe putting it all on the table upfront will make it easier for him to understand and handle and he won't slowly turn cruel and distant and toxic.

Flying out tomorrow to spend a month with him. Not our first meeting, but the longest. I'm very nervous.

My SD will be flying with me, and this will be our first flight together, his first flight ever, and my first time flying with a dog.
I've been drilling him hard to make sure his training will carry us through, but I'm so worried he's going to mess up. He's never let me down before, but this is huge and important and the most challenging thing we've done together. He can hold a sit/stay for 30sec in the doorway at walmart with the doors behind and in front of him opening and closing and a worker messing with the electric scooter things and people walking by, and he didn't budge while I turned my back to him and walked outside and waited, then when recalled he ran right to me and resumed a polite walk. I've also been making him stand-stay and get patted down by different people in case he has to get a pat down at the airport. I took him to a movie (Joker. Quote at top. Great movie!) and he tucked nicely at my feet and didn't budge or make a peep, and I had him ride tucked in the passenger floorboard during a 1.5hr drive to a friend's house to simulate conditions on the airplane where he'll be in a slightly bigger space but still cramped. ><

Art is so hard. I have a desire to draw but when I try I just can't make the end result be what I want even though I spend hours and hours trying and it's frustrating and discouraging.
My brain is a jumble of anxieties and sadness and faint hope and overwhelming fear.

I'm a mess inside but somehow the most stable I've ever been, which horrifies me.


*takes a deep breath*
I'm excited but super worried about all the stuff I still have to get through before I can relax. ._. There's so much that can still go wrong.