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Huge life update!
6 years ago
I no longer associate with the name Kisa Merula, please do not call me that.
Please call me Crow, thank you. Hey guys, so i havent made a jounral in 7 months. So here is a nice big one:
Break Up
Somewhere in Dec of 2018. Me and my bf at the time, broke up.
We were together for 10 years. 10 crazy ass years.
We both decided that it was better for the both of us and agreed on reasons why it was a good idea.
It was painful in the beginning and not calling each other by our nicknames for each other instead our actually names was hard man,
but over time things got a little easier.
We decided to remain friends.
My first plane ride
On Feb 26th I took a 6 hour plane ride all the way across half the county from IL to CA.
My ex and his mom n dad were kind enough to take me to the airport and see me off.
it was cold that day,it decided to snow and we were all really sad.
Me n my ex could hardly say anything before i headed off into the part where they couldnt follow me in the airport.
We gave each other a hug though.
It took 2 plans for me to get here and it was kinda scary, not gonna lie.
One of the worker ladies was nice enough to sit next to me for the first trip and help distract me to stay grounded.
Being on a plane for the first time, not really knowing what to expect and being scared of heights haha...yeah.
I live in Cali now
Ive been here for almost 8 months now and its SO different here.
People in Cali are so much more open, accepting and caring when it comes to health, mental health and LGBT+!
IL is a fucking shit show and im glad that im out of it.
I do miss people though, but my life here is better.
Its nicer, warmer, my physical health is better too, well, kinda. lol.
Health
My mental health isnt any better its actaully worse, but that comes with the territory of what i have wrong with me.
I have Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bi Polar Disorder, Age Sliding, Pseudoseizures and one other im not too fond of mentioning yet.
Mainly cuz its a big one and im not so sure how i want to be open with it?? Yeeeeah. Its a coping mechanism that you get from lots of repeated childhood trauma. If you know what it might be please dont mention it in the comments below.
However if you wish to want to talk about it cuz you might have it too. Send a note or add me on discord: Crow God#5426
With the age sliding, it is not something that i willingly do and it is not something i practice.
It is a coping mechanism that my brain slips into in times of stress n shit.
My mind enters an age state between 10 and 5 yrs old. I think i hit 3 once? but it was for a very short amount of time.
Yeah, its crazy.
I am currently seeing a psychologist and for FUCKING ONCE THIS PERSON KNOWS WTF THEIR DOING AND ACTAULLY GIVE A SHIT.
unlike IL *cough*
IHSS Program (Cali)
I had an interview with a lady from this program on Nov 8th.
I have been accepted into said program.
What is it you ask?
Well, you can do one of two things. Be a caregiver or be the one that is taken care of.
I am the one thats going to be taken care of. My mental health has gotten to the point that uh...yeah.
I rank Rank 4 out of 5 for most things and Rank 2 for others.
Rank 5 is basically your a vegetable.
I'm going to be having someone watch and take care of me for 5 - 7 hours a day.
What will this person be doing? Basically everything, but not everything, but pretty damn close.
My arts
Ho boi, have i been not doing that. I have been severly neglecting one of the things i like to do but brain is like nah, your drawings suck, no one likes them and no one is going to. Did i mention that depression is also saying fuck you? yeah...
Well, thats it for now.
Feel free to ask any questions below.
Crow out o/
PS: OH YEAH!
I no longer go by my real name or Kisa. I go by Crow and feel alot more comfortable being called this
(this does not effect my Sona though, however, i do believe i will be making her solely female and not herm. i will also being making a male version of her as well! and i will be using both versions in art to come!)
I also identify as Gender Fluid and im pansexual <3
I mainly identify as a boy now or nothing at all.
Once in a little bit ill identify as a girl.
Thanks for taking time to read
Safety and Peace, my brothers and sisters. 
i hope things continue for the better for you too
yeah IL sucks, im glad you got out of it as well!
Man it's been ages since we spoke. Thats pretty much my fault though. Sorry for just dropping off the face of the earth like that.
I'm glad you're doing better and being more true to yourself. I've been slowly coming out as genderfluid too and it's weird for me. I'm happy to see it seems a lot more liberating for you.
Also Crow is a badass name and I support it.
I really has been a long time.
I am not on fire nor close enough to any of them to be in any danger, thankfully.
Besides with my roommates and some guild members, I think this is the only place I've openly mentioned it.
I don't really see it as a coming out thing per say but I think I get what you mean. Sometimes I'll correct a friend if they call me one thing an not the one I'm currently identifying as, but sometimes people can't tell so it's ok.
Guild members you say? From what? or is that not something you want to discuss out in the open?