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The past month has been rough.
6 years ago
I honestly can't remember what triggered my emotional downfall. My memory of three weeks ago is muddy. I can remember most of the things that shut me down further, though, and made me become a social recluse I always end up becoming when I'm depressed.
I want to start off by saying that isolating myself has nothing to do with bad interactions with people, or cowardice. It's a bad knee jerk reaction to emotional degradation that I developed when I was younger. A long cycle of humiliation, internalizing, trapping myself into my room to "do healing", then coming out only when I've numbed myself of my own pain. That's what I've always done in these situations.. numb myself of the pain. So no one is at fault other than probably me.
What does one do in isolation caused by depression? Nothing. I did mostly nothing the past month. I would wake up, lay in bed for hours, and can't for the life of me figure out any reason to get up. Eventually I would shower, head down to eat and sit around in the dark. My sleep was abysmal, still is actually. I can sleep either 2 hours, 12 hours or not at all. At different times of day. I've given myself jet lag sleeping purely when my body can't take it anymore.
But sleep wasn't the only problem though, food too... and my online presence (or lack there of). "I'm Daydreamed," I said once randomly at 3 am. Then I started physically hurting inside. It made me curl up the pain was so bad. I didn't understand it then, but some part of my consciousness did. I laid in the fetal position for what felt like an hour. In hindsight, I was hurting because I had made promises to a lot of people. A promise to do what I love. Hell, I still have unfinished commissions from August. Occasinally I'd see my drawing table and idle pc, and my mind would scream "PICK IT UP!!" over and over but I could never act upon that thought. And to just up and disappear like this feels like a betrayal to all those people. I hate ghosting, I really do and I don't know how to avoid it when I'm mentally dead. It's a cycle that feeds itself.
-
My phone would ping every now and then. As people try to reach out to me... I'm sorry for ignoring them. I'm sorry. I cried everytime I saw those messages. I cry everytime I think about how people care about me. I just don't know what to say for myself.. I'm sorry to anyone who was worried.
-
There was always problems with being DaydreamEd. I enjoy this community, it's people and its themes. But I'm afraid I built myself on a few pillars of sand. "Its a persona," my head goes "a mask, a lie." It finishes. While my heart desires to fully commit, to fully become DaydreamEd and make everything about it my life, I'm afraid that if I did everything I had built for myself would come crumbling down. Like everything I've done up until now would be considered criminal. I'd be socially outcast and lose my bridges. Both in my real life and online. Maybe I'm being over dramatic, but this is has been genuine fear of mine for a long time.
..
That aside though I recently turned on my old phone. I was searching for a different file but stumbled across screenshots during my birthday this year. And... well..
I cried some more. This time at least because of something good.
A simple flirt from a random stranger online can warm the heart of an introvert like me. A group of people happily sending you birthday wishes (and hugs) utterly melts it. And so I remember the good parts of this year. I've tried to only remember those to get better now. I'm recovering, albeit slow and sleep is um, Considered.
I felt like I got most of the things off my chest for now. Or maybe I'm getting tired. Either way I'm looking forward to coming back somewhat. Not full speed commissions, but drawing again. I miss interacting with everyone.
I want to start off by saying that isolating myself has nothing to do with bad interactions with people, or cowardice. It's a bad knee jerk reaction to emotional degradation that I developed when I was younger. A long cycle of humiliation, internalizing, trapping myself into my room to "do healing", then coming out only when I've numbed myself of my own pain. That's what I've always done in these situations.. numb myself of the pain. So no one is at fault other than probably me.
What does one do in isolation caused by depression? Nothing. I did mostly nothing the past month. I would wake up, lay in bed for hours, and can't for the life of me figure out any reason to get up. Eventually I would shower, head down to eat and sit around in the dark. My sleep was abysmal, still is actually. I can sleep either 2 hours, 12 hours or not at all. At different times of day. I've given myself jet lag sleeping purely when my body can't take it anymore.
But sleep wasn't the only problem though, food too... and my online presence (or lack there of). "I'm Daydreamed," I said once randomly at 3 am. Then I started physically hurting inside. It made me curl up the pain was so bad. I didn't understand it then, but some part of my consciousness did. I laid in the fetal position for what felt like an hour. In hindsight, I was hurting because I had made promises to a lot of people. A promise to do what I love. Hell, I still have unfinished commissions from August. Occasinally I'd see my drawing table and idle pc, and my mind would scream "PICK IT UP!!" over and over but I could never act upon that thought. And to just up and disappear like this feels like a betrayal to all those people. I hate ghosting, I really do and I don't know how to avoid it when I'm mentally dead. It's a cycle that feeds itself.
-
My phone would ping every now and then. As people try to reach out to me... I'm sorry for ignoring them. I'm sorry. I cried everytime I saw those messages. I cry everytime I think about how people care about me. I just don't know what to say for myself.. I'm sorry to anyone who was worried.
-
There was always problems with being DaydreamEd. I enjoy this community, it's people and its themes. But I'm afraid I built myself on a few pillars of sand. "Its a persona," my head goes "a mask, a lie." It finishes. While my heart desires to fully commit, to fully become DaydreamEd and make everything about it my life, I'm afraid that if I did everything I had built for myself would come crumbling down. Like everything I've done up until now would be considered criminal. I'd be socially outcast and lose my bridges. Both in my real life and online. Maybe I'm being over dramatic, but this is has been genuine fear of mine for a long time.
..
That aside though I recently turned on my old phone. I was searching for a different file but stumbled across screenshots during my birthday this year. And... well..
I cried some more. This time at least because of something good.
A simple flirt from a random stranger online can warm the heart of an introvert like me. A group of people happily sending you birthday wishes (and hugs) utterly melts it. And so I remember the good parts of this year. I've tried to only remember those to get better now. I'm recovering, albeit slow and sleep is um, Considered.
I felt like I got most of the things off my chest for now. Or maybe I'm getting tired. Either way I'm looking forward to coming back somewhat. Not full speed commissions, but drawing again. I miss interacting with everyone.
I don’t really know what to say in these cases, but know that people are there for you and you’ll be welcome again once you’ll feel ready to be active again if you feel that way ^-^
I know its easy to just lay in bed but thats no way to enjoy life, its great that your trying to come back out. If you ever want to chat I'm on here and Discord.
And remember you're not only one thing. You're DaydreamEd, a cute padded pony, an awesome artist, a kind soul, an amazing human being and whatever else you do in real life <3 You don't have to limit yourself. You are loved and you deserve to be loved regardless of anything.
*all the horse hugs*
But I'm always around to talk if you need it.
We all support you. And that’s not going to change.