I feel so broken...

I try to find groups to interact with, as part of my process to pick myself up and heal and undo the damage that the bitch ex left on me... All I end up getting is reminders and teases of what I'm no longer able to enjoy, or barriers to feeling included, or this feeling of being "the other" in a group. And it always leads to me being upset and wanting to leave, and disassociating.

How can I talk with people and have fun if I'm just frequently upset and get put on the defensive, mentally?

It makes it hard to impossible to try to make new friends in anything that isn't just mindless porn or roleplaying or lewd talk...

And even then, if something happens that hits close to my own personal history, the memories flood back and I suddenly want to cut the conversation short and either go take a walk, go eat (RIP budget!),. or go sleep.

I don't know how to talk to girls anymore, not without either sounding like a creep, or like a broken man-child.
Talking to others in a gaming group, I have to bow out and say sorry that I don't own said game, or can even afford it.
Roleplaying just makes me bitter in the end, because dammit I'd rather act it all out IRL, not dream about the things I can't enjoy anymore.
Even having conversations at times... Being on a Discord server where a couple flirt out loud with each other in general chat, makes me mad.


I don't get it... I don't get it at all...