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Confidence almost entirely destroyed.
6 years ago
You can skip this journal post as it is mostly just me talking out into the void trying to figure myself out. To be cliche, I might just delete this post later. If anything, I'm typing this as a sort of raw dump of what's going on in my mind, lest anyone else be struggling with confidence issues of their own. I know that some of you might look up to me, so I feel it's a good opportunity to let you grasp what I've been going through on a daily basis mentally for the past year. This isn't something I'll be tweeting or any of that.
You may have noticed a precipitous drop in output over the past year. To be frank, all it took was a singular group of events to make all of 2019 come crashing down for me. I would say march through now has been a constant pattern of "trying to get back into the swing of things." and it's something I keep telling myself over and over. I just haven't been putting out art the way I would have liked. Some of the chief sources of inspiration, through an unfortunate turn of events, ended up becoming the chief sources of discouragement. Huge, huge mistake to let myself become inspired so heavily without keeping my distance and keeping myself diversified. It's been multiple therapists and no help, multiple prescription changes and no help. The busy day job and distracting instantly-gratifying events have worked to fill the void left behind with my low confidence in stuff like this.
2019 cannot die quickly enough. This was a horrible, horrible year for me, wrought with emptiness, a complete lack of satisfaction, and this complete petrification whenever I try to dive down and get back into making art.
And before any of you come around to say something, make sure it's not one of these things, all of which I've heard before. I appreciate the gesture if you wanted to say these things but you also do not understand.
"Don't worry about it, take as long of a break as you need." -- Having the confidence to pursue this creative endeavor gives me a sort of warmth and fulfillment that nothing else in life ever has. To take more breaks from this (like I'm already technically doing) is only making the emptiness more pervasive, the confidence even worse as I spend more time not practicing.
"You shouldn't define your self-worth on your productive output." -- This doesn't work for two reasons. 1: I'm not doing it for a sense of self worth. I'm doing it because I get true joy being able to freely swim through the art world and tackle the challenges it brings me. The sense of self worth comes from how I interpret that regular feeling of joy. 2: Even if it was the reason why I was drawing/painting/animating, telling me how things should be when my brain simply isn't wired to think that way doesn't work. If it did, the entire field of psychology wouldn't exist and we could simply solve all of our problems via single instances of logical deduction.
"You're an amazing artist! You've improved so quickly. Don't get so discouraged!" Would you believe me if I told you that I believe you? I mean, I strongly feel that I am at least somewhat competent. I am pretty good, and I know there are certain things I can do that aren't very common in creating this stuff. However, I only know this logically. From a deeply-rooted, internalized viewpoint, I don't see myself as having any drawing ability whatsoever, and I look back on my previous year of relatively little art output and can only constantly question where things went wrong. It's a negative feedback loop and I hate it. I've been trying to escape from it constantly and I've found no way out.
I really do want to get back into drawing for you guys. It is such a vibrant and free way to express myself, and looking back on the past year, 2019 is a total loss for me. This year can go fuck itself. Seriously. Maybe things will improve in 2020 but I'm not holding out any hope. I'd rather not have misplaced expectations get dashed.
Merry Christmas,
Swish
You may have noticed a precipitous drop in output over the past year. To be frank, all it took was a singular group of events to make all of 2019 come crashing down for me. I would say march through now has been a constant pattern of "trying to get back into the swing of things." and it's something I keep telling myself over and over. I just haven't been putting out art the way I would have liked. Some of the chief sources of inspiration, through an unfortunate turn of events, ended up becoming the chief sources of discouragement. Huge, huge mistake to let myself become inspired so heavily without keeping my distance and keeping myself diversified. It's been multiple therapists and no help, multiple prescription changes and no help. The busy day job and distracting instantly-gratifying events have worked to fill the void left behind with my low confidence in stuff like this.
2019 cannot die quickly enough. This was a horrible, horrible year for me, wrought with emptiness, a complete lack of satisfaction, and this complete petrification whenever I try to dive down and get back into making art.
And before any of you come around to say something, make sure it's not one of these things, all of which I've heard before. I appreciate the gesture if you wanted to say these things but you also do not understand.
"Don't worry about it, take as long of a break as you need." -- Having the confidence to pursue this creative endeavor gives me a sort of warmth and fulfillment that nothing else in life ever has. To take more breaks from this (like I'm already technically doing) is only making the emptiness more pervasive, the confidence even worse as I spend more time not practicing.
"You shouldn't define your self-worth on your productive output." -- This doesn't work for two reasons. 1: I'm not doing it for a sense of self worth. I'm doing it because I get true joy being able to freely swim through the art world and tackle the challenges it brings me. The sense of self worth comes from how I interpret that regular feeling of joy. 2: Even if it was the reason why I was drawing/painting/animating, telling me how things should be when my brain simply isn't wired to think that way doesn't work. If it did, the entire field of psychology wouldn't exist and we could simply solve all of our problems via single instances of logical deduction.
"You're an amazing artist! You've improved so quickly. Don't get so discouraged!" Would you believe me if I told you that I believe you? I mean, I strongly feel that I am at least somewhat competent. I am pretty good, and I know there are certain things I can do that aren't very common in creating this stuff. However, I only know this logically. From a deeply-rooted, internalized viewpoint, I don't see myself as having any drawing ability whatsoever, and I look back on my previous year of relatively little art output and can only constantly question where things went wrong. It's a negative feedback loop and I hate it. I've been trying to escape from it constantly and I've found no way out.
I really do want to get back into drawing for you guys. It is such a vibrant and free way to express myself, and looking back on the past year, 2019 is a total loss for me. This year can go fuck itself. Seriously. Maybe things will improve in 2020 but I'm not holding out any hope. I'd rather not have misplaced expectations get dashed.
Merry Christmas,
Swish
You say things I can kind of relate to, but I don't know you nearly well enough to feel like I can share this and it'd be preposterous of me to think it'd be of help.
All I can say is do what you need to to keep your head out of the water. Work things out at your own pace, but don't forget to get out of the "new comfort zone" or you'll never get back what you had (first-hand experience on this matter). Always remember that the "new normal" isn't "actually normal". It's a hard time that's got you down and you can work beyond it.
Whatever you do, do what's best for you.
*patpats*
And remember you can always lean on your friends for support. :)
what if you fear losing the rest of friends you have?
what if everything you tried failed, could you try something else and expect it to work?
Trying to get back into the swing of things isn't always helpful - often there's a new swing of things that will work, and the old swing wasn't necessarily as good as you thought.
It can help to try different things if your inner monkey is getting bored - realism, cartoony, weird species of deep sea fish.
Are you sure it's diminished confidence that's the cause of your distress, or merely a symptom of something else? Lack of productivity can cause brief uncertainty, but you shouldn't lose your artistic ability through lack of practice if you have the right perspective; it should maintain itself or you should see slight improvement even if you haven't done any art for years. Once you get that ball rolling and you're viewing the world with artist's eyes, there's no stopping the improvement. Even if you procrastinate, you'll just improve slower.
Are there other more pressing concerns or constant distractions that need to be addressed which are interfering? You're either doing art and not uploading it, or not doing art at all. keep asking why, and breaking things down until you find a root cause, and then tackle that. Unless you depend on art to make a living, then it's a hobby and a luxury; it's not as pressing as health and well-being.
*gives a warm hug... it happens...
V.
Think of what worked just fine and what didn’t and take the best of it all to start a great 2020.
A big hug
Seriously tho, my wave of sudden sh** alltogether went in from Feb2018th, so this year was kinda echoing for me, but i'm getting used to it now.
I have really nothing to add, cause you spilled it out for both of us (and probbly lots of peeps 'round here) pretty much to the spot.
Something's gonna change, we can't sit still and watch water pouring in. (or we're already dead, like those who boarded the Titanic in the begining of the movie)
Anyway, it's a case of "time would show" for me, if i'll find the rope - i'll give you a whistle.
If therapists and drugs aren't doing any good, my dumb ass has no chance of helping ;) Just know that the majority of us do care and I hold out hope for a better 2020 for both of us (though more for you, as I know what was wrong with 2019 for me and it's just effort and time to heal that I need) :)
lots of things i might have done if i did.
i don't know that i would have, but i would like to have.
so instead, i just go through life, getting along, if not just fine, but still getting along,
without it.
i'm if anything, amazed by people who do.
people who live in their own houses,
drive cars, though i have had and driven several,
people who own a little piece of land they can build a little storage shed or garden on,
people who willingly indenture themselves to the aspects of a conventional life it takes to do so.
or however it is that they do.
so called "normal" people, have, for better or worse, always been to me, something of an alien species.
sorry i only know how to answer something like this by talking about myself, because that is the only thing i really know.
if i could have a magic wand to make everyone else feel better, i would.
i like to think i know how we could all live that wouldn't make anyone feel bad ever,
but i don't claim to be infallible and i don't expect or demand anyone listen to how i think this could be done.
so instead i make pictures. that's the only thing the motivates and inspires me to do so.
just my desire to illustrate what i would like to build in the real world
if there no social or economic or political complexities, preventing me from doing so.
you are an artist. good or bad, it matters not. through the very existence of your concerns you have defeated them- so long as you keep working.
should you stop, that in itself is no end either- you cannot run now, you cannot escape- you are an artist for as long as you draw breath!
so you can always return, if you fall.
nobody can take that away from you.
not even yourself.
keep drawing.
I hope you find ways to cope and if you do -- please share.
Wishing you all the best, man..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-877RlLrhJA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGMmSOsNAdc
Good luck! In the long term, creativity requires fallow periods too.
It seems to me that your creative struggle is not your main problem, I guess you're dealing with depression while not fully understanding its toll. Obviously, I don't know you, so all I can say is based on your post, and considering this:
Don't be so self-downing because of your art. If you're depressed, drawing won't make you feel better, sad scenes that you draw (even so I really like them) can probably make you feel worse. Actually, nothing feels fulfilling or good when you're depressed. So please, don't make yourself even more emotionally disturbed because of that.
Self-confidence. You feel none not because your "art output isn't good enough". That's the sign of depression, nothing to do with art. If you created more or higher-quality art you probably wouldn't feel much better.
"It's been multiple therapists and no help, multiple prescription changes and no help." I would suggest trying other therapy approaches, for example, if you tried psychoanalysis, try cognitive-behavioural therapy (or gestalt-therapy, or something else). I know it costs a lot in the US, so if you can't afford it try reading books, again, from different approaches, choose one that would seem the most reasonable and read more books on that one approach. That is a lot of work, I know, but it's worth it. Even if it will not help you much, doing all that is still more productive than obsessing over not being able to create the art you wanted.
I hope you will get better. Feel free to PM me if you need some book recommendations or ask other questions if you have any.
Telling someone to simply not think negatively ("don't be so self-downing") about their art doesn't work. Like I said in my first post, if it did, the entire field of psychology would cease to exist in an instant. Drawing indeed makes me feel better, so even under your criteria, I'm not depressed. I feel easily fulfilled doing a wide variety of things in life. This, to me, is a very real, tangible source of negativity, which is easily measured. It really as simple as just drawing more. Getting the confidence and breaking the habits to get to that point is the hard part, though. It's like breaking addictions.
Low self confidence, while being a sign of depression, is also prevalent in a wide variety of mindsets, both depressed and not depressed. Your average human probably wishes they were more confident in life. It's just being human. It's part of the human condition to want to have more confidence to just do things without so much second guessing. Humans are feedback loops. We've gotten to where we are today because, in order for feedback loops to work, we need to have some level of critical thinking. It's very easy for this line of thinking to get out of hand and result in paralyzing us.
I felt the need to address this because I do know quite a bit about depression, having worked with therapists for decades, as well as other depressed people, and I've been depressed in the past to mild degrees. This is absolutely nothing like that. I'm putting this out there lest anyone else read this and wish to apply it to themselves.
If anything, the issue here is breaking habits and addictions. I know what I need to do. I know that what I need to do works, I've observed it work, I've measured it work.
Again, I hope you'll be able to improve your self-confidence.