I wish I could post a journal that isn't about the piece of shit that I call my life. My mom was sent to the hospital a few days before Christmas. She gradually improved and got discharged on Christmas. The next few days, she seemed better. Last night I hear her crying and yelling, like she was having a nightmare. I go in and ask what's wrong. Her eyes are wide open, staring at me. She kept yelling and didn't seem to be awake. I turn on the light and she seems to be somewhat coherent. She's had episodes where she nods off and honestly looks like someone that's on heroin from what I've seen online. This usually happens cause she carries too much Co2 in her lungs and needs a sleep apnea machine to get rid of it. It happens often enough that me and my dad are aware of what to do. She's gone to the ER many times when it's clear that something is very wrong. Well, this was different enough that I knew something was very very wrong. I call my dad, he drives home. She was talking gibberish and kept making odd movements with her arms. She then seemed to be awake and coherent when we were talking to her about what the hell is happening. After speaking clearly for about 10 seconds, her entire body coils up and she starts having a very violent seizure, which has never happened to her before. My dad was a paramedic and firefighter for like 10 years, so he was able to do what he could. All the color left her face, she went limp, started gurgling and was barely breathing. I thought she was dead. He's screaming her name, I'm calling 911, who were somehow busy. My call goes through, they send out police and medics who came like 5 minutes later. She was prescribed narcan cause she's had bad reactions with the Co2 issue and the drugs she's prescribed. We didn't know what was happening at the moment, so he gave her the narcan. Police and medics come, she gradually comes to, sort of. When she finally starts to be conscious, she starts breathing like a dying fish and starts thrashing and screaming. I've never seen something so fucked up before. Even when she was put in the ambulance, I could still hear her screaming from inside the house. She goes to the ER, I'm at home, texting the few friends I could at the hour, my dad is calling me and sobbing. Turns out the narcan went into her lungs, so they had to suck it out somehow. Right now, she's in a medical coma and on a respirator to breathe for her and we have no new information. I don't know what to expect anymore. If I wasn't home, she'd be dead. I don't know if she's going to ever be the same again. I really don't know. I feel I'll be her caretaker 24/7. We don't know if we should be expecting brain damage. I can't take this anymore. There is no more joy in my life. Every single year is just more shit on top of shit and nothing improves. I'm done with it. I see no reason to want to continue living if this is all my life is. I'm sick of it all. Nothing good is going to happen.