So the end of the year is coming and 2020 is hitting. as it always does with time moving forward. I hope everyones years was wonderful, with holidays and things. For me is been... a year. just a lot of time ive been going through and doing what i can. I dont post many journals for a lot of reasons. hard to focus without being a depressing shithead.

Im still dealing with my situation with the best of my ability while trying to be as happy i can. but my future is complicated and always losing myself on what im doing. basically 5 years since being forced back to my parents, and dealing with there stressing days and some yelling attacks over dumb reasons. Was hoping to make plans to leave here, to be someone I love and start to improve myself but its always causing things to fall threw, and im scared. but im trying.

also doesnt help I barely have anything to go to, im isolated and cant drive. I tried learning but a car crash has fucked me up and cash dried me hard the last few months. I cant easily go anywhere or hang out with specific people to be more of who i am. i always have to pretend to be the "boy" to my parents as long as im here with them. I cant take risks buying things for myself, to be the girl I Am, or the littlefur things to be that side. and also have to say that I Have no Plans for cons in 2020. I legit cant do anything atm as my goal is to Leave here, be far away from my parents so i can start being who i am and exploring myself even more. i hate having my moods from all direction but no way to handle it, no where to go. and i hate feeling like im always complaining to my friends who know and understand but no one can really help in this moment.

The hardest thing though to come to terms every day is with someone close to me, someone who was my daddyfur to my little babyfur side of me as everyone should know at this point. I learned through other friends that eoathian Passed away this year back in July. It was soul crushing because I knew. I had a conversation with him back May telling me he was done and tired. I... I wanted to give words or something but i couldnt. and it still hurts me how i didnt know what to say or how to say it. more so I wasnt there... I never got to see him once. we kept talking about it and planning but because of my situation it always made it impossible to even do so. and it still pains me every day that i disappointed him, his friend and his little draggy. and that will linger in me forever as something we never did but it was mostly my fault I never actually did anything about it. I had many opportunities I could have just done it. He was my first daddy as a babyfur space for years. knowing him for about 7 years or so. I will forever miss him and I hope I can do something as a commission art for him. Thank you for being in my life eoathian, I will miss you.

I also lost my Dog Zoey and a local fur friend in Arizona unexpectedly as well. And its been draining on me on top of everything else. But im here the best i can. and trying to be hopeful for 2020 and the life i have. Im happy of the friends ive known for years, to someone Ive met new. Thank you for being in my life and i hope I can return favors from you all. Be well and Wonderful. ill be fine.

~Taya Erindra