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Reflections on the Past Year
5 years ago
Ready, Aye, Ready!
I've lately been having doubts about keeping with FurAffinity recently while reflecting on this past year.
For the record, I'm not an outgoing or trusting individual. My childhood friends, despite still being on very good terms, live on the other side of the country, as do my immediate family. I barely relate with anyone at work, and of the few social circles I have outside of work, there's really only one person out of it all with whom I feel safe confiding on very personal matters, be it pertaining to the Fandom or otherwise.
So what does this mean? I rarely stray from talking shop in most of my social circles, be it with regards to work, wargaming, tabletop, or video games, burying everything else unless I know for certain that those present can handle some of the more sensitive tangential topics I'm willing to talk about. Even in the Furry Fandom, I feel compelled to restrain myself in the same manner, because that's really the only way I know how to fit in and belong.
This leads me to being a very passive member in several social circles, especially those in which I'm merely there for the common interest and not much else. Add my trust issues into the mix, and I become the quiet person sitting in the back corner because there really is no one at the party I can relate to, let alone hang out with, and generally feeling like an outcast.
The worst part about the resulting loneliness however is the desperate need to fill that social void with something, no matter how hollow or shallow, and for me, that substitute consists of parasocial relationships.
For those unaware, the parasocial refers to social behaviours revolving around emotional connections that are rarely reciprocated. Celebrity worship is a commonly cited example, in which a fan may see a given celebrity as a close friend they've known all their lives while the celebrity likely isn't even aware of that fan's existence.
I personally find the Furry Fandom, with all its love of masks, costumes, and pseudonyms, to be particularly bad for inducing this kind of behaviour, of setting up false expectations through an online persona that is oftentimes at odds with the person behind it, and of creating fictitious characters that are more likeable and relatable than most people in the real world. It's very tempting to think of the entire Fandom as a perverted mob of liars and charlatans as a result, even if that's hardly the case at all.
As of this post, there have been two... personas I've been struggling to accept.
The first is TannerTokage , an individual whom I had considered to be a good friend in person. Given how sudden his departure from social media was and how quick he seemed to cut off any form of communication, I don't know exactly the reasons why he did any of that (save for maybe Trump's election into office?), but his resurfacing years later left me with a lot of unanswered questions. Is this even the same person I remember chatting with? Was he always like this? The only conclusions I can infer from this are that either I never knew who Tanner really was, or he'd been replaced by a doppelganger during his self-imposed exile, and I desperately want to be proven wrong on either account.
The second, a lot more recently, was Strype . I've mulled over this one with fireorca before, but I still cannot make the connection between the artist he was and the person she is now without such a degree of imposter syndrome that I have not been able to physically bring myself to commission her since she revealed her transgender status, which is a shame because I really like her artwork.
In both cases, I feel like my trust in either individual has been so grossly misplaced that it's tantamount to betrayal. The first is in the form of watching someone I knew drift apart so much that their new persona, a wannabe-Chaos Sorceror living in Seattle, is a far cry from who I remembered them to be. The second is self-inflicted, having never actually known the individual in question beyond their business and forming preconceived notions as to who they were before having those notions shattered so thoroughly that I don't know where to begin picking up the pieces.
I don't want to open myself to more of this petty heartbreak. I don't want to compensate for my loneliness by taking up such hollow relationships. I don't want to be bottled up like this, for risk of having it blow up in people's faces.
I want to feel like I belong, and so far one good friend in constant contact and a common interest are not enough for this to be a healthy social outlet.
Seeing as I don't know where to go in this godforsaken Fandom, I guess what I'm trying to say is "Help?"
For the record, I'm not an outgoing or trusting individual. My childhood friends, despite still being on very good terms, live on the other side of the country, as do my immediate family. I barely relate with anyone at work, and of the few social circles I have outside of work, there's really only one person out of it all with whom I feel safe confiding on very personal matters, be it pertaining to the Fandom or otherwise.
So what does this mean? I rarely stray from talking shop in most of my social circles, be it with regards to work, wargaming, tabletop, or video games, burying everything else unless I know for certain that those present can handle some of the more sensitive tangential topics I'm willing to talk about. Even in the Furry Fandom, I feel compelled to restrain myself in the same manner, because that's really the only way I know how to fit in and belong.
This leads me to being a very passive member in several social circles, especially those in which I'm merely there for the common interest and not much else. Add my trust issues into the mix, and I become the quiet person sitting in the back corner because there really is no one at the party I can relate to, let alone hang out with, and generally feeling like an outcast.
The worst part about the resulting loneliness however is the desperate need to fill that social void with something, no matter how hollow or shallow, and for me, that substitute consists of parasocial relationships.
For those unaware, the parasocial refers to social behaviours revolving around emotional connections that are rarely reciprocated. Celebrity worship is a commonly cited example, in which a fan may see a given celebrity as a close friend they've known all their lives while the celebrity likely isn't even aware of that fan's existence.
I personally find the Furry Fandom, with all its love of masks, costumes, and pseudonyms, to be particularly bad for inducing this kind of behaviour, of setting up false expectations through an online persona that is oftentimes at odds with the person behind it, and of creating fictitious characters that are more likeable and relatable than most people in the real world. It's very tempting to think of the entire Fandom as a perverted mob of liars and charlatans as a result, even if that's hardly the case at all.
As of this post, there have been two... personas I've been struggling to accept.
The first is TannerTokage , an individual whom I had considered to be a good friend in person. Given how sudden his departure from social media was and how quick he seemed to cut off any form of communication, I don't know exactly the reasons why he did any of that (save for maybe Trump's election into office?), but his resurfacing years later left me with a lot of unanswered questions. Is this even the same person I remember chatting with? Was he always like this? The only conclusions I can infer from this are that either I never knew who Tanner really was, or he'd been replaced by a doppelganger during his self-imposed exile, and I desperately want to be proven wrong on either account.
The second, a lot more recently, was Strype . I've mulled over this one with fireorca before, but I still cannot make the connection between the artist he was and the person she is now without such a degree of imposter syndrome that I have not been able to physically bring myself to commission her since she revealed her transgender status, which is a shame because I really like her artwork.
In both cases, I feel like my trust in either individual has been so grossly misplaced that it's tantamount to betrayal. The first is in the form of watching someone I knew drift apart so much that their new persona, a wannabe-Chaos Sorceror living in Seattle, is a far cry from who I remembered them to be. The second is self-inflicted, having never actually known the individual in question beyond their business and forming preconceived notions as to who they were before having those notions shattered so thoroughly that I don't know where to begin picking up the pieces.
I don't want to open myself to more of this petty heartbreak. I don't want to compensate for my loneliness by taking up such hollow relationships. I don't want to be bottled up like this, for risk of having it blow up in people's faces.
I want to feel like I belong, and so far one good friend in constant contact and a common interest are not enough for this to be a healthy social outlet.
Seeing as I don't know where to go in this godforsaken Fandom, I guess what I'm trying to say is "Help?"
