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Uncertainties
5 years ago
Once upon a time...
One of the skills I never really developed was a good way to directly address someone when there's an issue. I was raised to always be polite and kind, so it's really hard for me to say to someone "look, there's a problem here".
Another thing I've never learned how to do is seal my emotions. If something is upsetting I am upset. I get either angry (if it's unjust) or depressed (most other things). And I have been trying very, very hard to avoid all news but that only goes so far. Australia on fire and Trump basically advocating war crimes and terrorism kind of get around no matter how much I'd like to be blissfully unaware of them.
And when it comes to my friends... it really is hard to express how I feel. Because at the core of my being it is always agape -- the sort of true love in stories that people mistake for romantic love. So when they have problems I want to help them if I can. At the very least be emotionally supportive to them.
But sometimes I can't. Sometimes what they are going through is overwhelming and I feel helpless and useless. There's literally nothing I can do except encourage them and it doesn't feel like enough. It's worse in a situation of joblessness when the friend is literally doing everything they can and still nothing happens.
And if they take out their frustrations on me, asking too many questions I can't answer without sounding like a parrot, I feel awful. I feel like I've failed them. That even my attempt at emotional support is not enough.
And with the world the way it is, this is very unhelpful for me mentally. I feel weary all the time. Sometimes I wish I could just die in my sleep. My feeling of uselessness goes so far as to suggest everyone would be better off if I were dead.
I don't believe that sort of nonsense, but it's intrusive and annoying. I can hardly get anything done because I'm constantly fighting those sorts of thoughts. And I always remind myself the future is full of uncertainty, which makes hope as likely as despair. Perhaps more likely because we've been through things before and people eventually stand up and fight back.
So to those who read this all, I encourage you to take hope too and to believe that everything will be okay.
Another thing I've never learned how to do is seal my emotions. If something is upsetting I am upset. I get either angry (if it's unjust) or depressed (most other things). And I have been trying very, very hard to avoid all news but that only goes so far. Australia on fire and Trump basically advocating war crimes and terrorism kind of get around no matter how much I'd like to be blissfully unaware of them.
And when it comes to my friends... it really is hard to express how I feel. Because at the core of my being it is always agape -- the sort of true love in stories that people mistake for romantic love. So when they have problems I want to help them if I can. At the very least be emotionally supportive to them.
But sometimes I can't. Sometimes what they are going through is overwhelming and I feel helpless and useless. There's literally nothing I can do except encourage them and it doesn't feel like enough. It's worse in a situation of joblessness when the friend is literally doing everything they can and still nothing happens.
And if they take out their frustrations on me, asking too many questions I can't answer without sounding like a parrot, I feel awful. I feel like I've failed them. That even my attempt at emotional support is not enough.
And with the world the way it is, this is very unhelpful for me mentally. I feel weary all the time. Sometimes I wish I could just die in my sleep. My feeling of uselessness goes so far as to suggest everyone would be better off if I were dead.
I don't believe that sort of nonsense, but it's intrusive and annoying. I can hardly get anything done because I'm constantly fighting those sorts of thoughts. And I always remind myself the future is full of uncertainty, which makes hope as likely as despair. Perhaps more likely because we've been through things before and people eventually stand up and fight back.
So to those who read this all, I encourage you to take hope too and to believe that everything will be okay.
As for helping people out, remember that you can only show people the door (in the good way); they have to walk through it. By this I mean there is only so much you can do, so much help you can offer. It is up to them whether they take it or not. That said, merely offering help, even if you cannot do everything, is very worthwhile and should not be neglected. Merely trying to help does help more than you realize.
Dominus tecum
I know my limitations. Accepting them is harder. Too many times I feel as though I am abandoning Jesus because I cannot help. The homeless person I pass by, the motorist on the side of the road, the person in need of help with medical bills--all these are Jesus and if I take Matthew 25: 44-45 seriously, these are all Jesus that I have neither helped nor comforted.
I remember one priest/motivational speaker (cannot recall who now) mentioning how they always went around with a five and three ones in their pocket. They'd give the five to any homeless women they met, and the ones to homeless men. Of course, once you use them all up, that's all you can do that time. We are finite beings, Indy, and so we do what we can. Even Jesus took His disciples on retreats away from the crowds.
Dominus tecum