tired, depressed, thats how life goes
too much in my system to even have the energy to type well
worst part is that i didnt feel this way recently
but now it has come up from nowhere and claimed me in a heartbeat

i dont know how to help people
nothing i do seems to make anything better
but what can i do anyway
saying im there
doesnt help anyone

all i can do is listen
watch
helpless
my words feel so empty
spoken with truest intent
yet my mind tells me nobody cares to hear
that they dont help
they only make it worse

always afraid of rejection
always terrified of hurting others
but evermore compelled to reach out
even when they surely dont want me

i hate suffering
seeing others hurt hurts me
if i can do anything to ease it
to make it stop
i want to
i dont want others to hurt like i have

but in the end
what can i do

say im there
as i sit behind a screen a thousand miles away

say i care
with no way to prove it beyond words displayed

say i want to make it better
with no way to do it

offer a hug
nothing more than words and thoughts

say im listening
but its so easy to be ripped from the keyboard

say im here
when they have no reason to believe i am
when they can so easily believe i will abandon them
because who can prove i wont

i want to help
i wish i had the power
im just a sad and pathetic reptile
staring at a screen in helplessness
watching the pain and suffering in the world
in people i want to call friend

knowing i will never be enough

never be able to help

never be able to be the friend they want or need

never making a difference

i don't know how to help people
even when i want to

and when i try
i fail

anxiety and doubt and fear
always present and waiting
they sabotage me at every turn
so even if i somehow do good
i can only believe i do harm
or that im unwanted
unwelcome
unhelpful

but in the end
believing i can help others
the greatest fantasy
the dearest wish
the closest dream
the most painful pursuit
is only hubris

after all
how can i help others
if i dont know how to help myself

i cant help myself

and i dont know how to help others

and im sorry

i wish i could




please forgive me