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Healing Takes Time
6 years ago
General
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅ 
Life has it's ups and downs.
That's something we all know too well.
The purpose of this journal is for me to get everything I've been keeping under wraps out in the open. So if you don't want to read some of my personal life going-on's, then this journal isn't for you.
For the past 4.5-5 years, I've been on a constant down it seems.
I thought I could push through it and come out stronger. But the truth is...
It got to me.
And I was in denial the entire time.
Nearly two years after I moved back to West Virginia, I'm finally ready to talk about the abuse I endured. Some of this will get into personal details, but I just don't care about that anymore. I'm doing my best to heal from everything. And writing it down helps.
Back in 2015, I met a guy named Brandon, aka "Alpha," and I thought the world of him. He seemed like a decent enough guy and he promised me so much. At the time we didn't live together and he provided me an escape when things got rough at home. He wasn't employed at the time I met him, but eventually he got a job at Lowes for a few months. Sure, we argued a few times here and there as couples do. But some things just didn't sit right with me when we did. He would constantly pressure me to talk about things before I was ready to. He got mad at me if I said I visited a male friend in public without him. He got angry because I didn't want to try some sexual things with him. One particular night, I wanted to leave to go home in the middle of an argument (over a belt of all things). He followed me to my car and wouldn't let me shut my door. That alone should've been enough to tell me to never come back. But I pushed it aside...
Fast forward to 2016. He tells me he has plans to go back to school. "Great!" I thought. He could get into doing what he wanted to for a living and we could be happy. He asked me to move with him to Ohio and I stupidly agreed. I left everything I knew behind. My family, friends, job, my cats that helped me through so much. I gave it all up to make him happy. The moving process was hard enough with my grandmother showing herself and degrading me, calling me a list of names. I cried the whole 2 hour drive to our new apartment. Brandon and his family tried to comfort me but they could only do so much. In the end, he was only concerned that he got to live in "his" apartment with me. To try and make myself feel better, I came back home to WV to see a few of my friends play at a music event. Out of fear of an argument, I opted not to tell Brandon I went. All I wanted was to give myself a little escape from everything I just went through. That was a mistake on my part. I came home and he said a friend of his saw me there and he went through my phone while I was asleep to find out for sure. I admitted to it, apologized, and tried to make up for it in every way I could think of. He never forgave me. He always held it against me and brought it up in every argument after, like he was keeping score of everything I did wrong. Since that point, I always told him where I was and who I was with, and even made sure to text him back as soon as he sent me something. He chose to punish me for months by restricting any affection he gave me and even brushing me off if I tried to give him any, choosing video games over mending what I had damaged. I should have left then too. But I didn't. Not for good anyway...
At some point between 2016 and 2017, I moved back home to WV to try and get my mental health under control. My job in OH treated me horribly, I didn't know anyone up there, and I missed working with my people in WV. I was not doing well and I needed my support group of friends and family. Brandon didn't like it and even said I was "abandoning" him to take care of myself. I still came back and stayed with him on my days off. I still worked my ass off to pay my half of the bills even though I wasn't there half the time. Meanwhile, he stayed home and never worked at all. The place was always a wreck. I would come in to help clean up and do chores on my first day, even cook dinner when he got home from school. Looking back at this point, I wasn't a partner to him anymore. I was just free housekeeping and easy sex when he wanted it. I should've stayed in WV. But I didn't...
In early 2017 I finally broke for the first time. I ended up moving back in with Brandon and only driving to WV for work. I tried keeping things between us fresh and interesting. He'd rather spend time playing games and watching youtube though. "I'll come to bed in a minute," I was told. It never happened. He left me at the apartment one weekend in the middle of a massive depressive episode so he could go back to WV drink with one of his female friends with a promiscuous past. I wasn't ok with it, I was always suspicious of the girl considering she's cheated on her partners multiple times since I'd known her. But I pushed it aside and let him go. He never told me where he was or who he was with like he asked of me. He left me wondering for two hours what was going on then acted like I was overreacting when he finally responded. That night, I took a bottle of wine, hiked up the mountain behind the apartment, and drank myself stupid, debating to jump off the cliff edge or not. I staggered my way back inside and took a long shower and went to bed instead after a long talk with my mother and step dad. When Brandon got home, he acted like nothing was wrong...
Things cooled down for a while until summer rolled around. Eventually we got a dog together. I wish we never did. He abused that poor dog from the day we got him. He would yank him out of the kennel and beat him until he yelped, cried, and peed himself out of fear just because he didn't understand commands yet or he had an accident in the floor. We fought over it constantly. He even pushed for me to be like him and hit the dog for punishment. He called it "consistent training." Through all the arguments, he had convinced me that I was crazy and I needed to be medicated. So I went to the doctor and got some antidepressants and anxiety medication. I was "too unstable and crazy" when I wasn't taking my medicine and "he could tell when I wasn't on it." That was a lie. That summer he finally got a job at one of the local parks. I was still working in WV so he would still get time alone at the apartment for a few days a week. One of the days I came home, he went to work early in the morning. So it was just me and the dog there until around 6 in the afternoon. We had our routine and we got along wonderfully on our own. I was feeling a little inspired to learn something new, so I opened youtube on his xbox to search some tutorials since we always used it together. His search history left me shocked and speechless. I was empty inside and hollow. Behind my back he had been looking up other women to please himself to. It's one thing if you talk to me about it. But it's another entirely if you hide it from me. I broke down, talked to my best friend and called my mom. That day, we rented a small uhaul, loaded up all my belongings and took them back to WV for good. I sat on the couch and waited until he came home to tell him I was leaving. He looked stunned. He roamed the apartment in disbelief that I would ever do such a thing. He begged me to stay and reconsider. I refused. I got in my car and headed back to WV...
In 2018, I foolishly lived between homes. Half in WV and half in OH with Brandon. I didn't trust him anymore, but I still tried. He quit his job at the park and was on his last half year of school. Things seemed like they were getting better. But they never really did. He caused me to push my friends away, think horribly of my own family, and reduce my circle to only him and his mother. The lease for the apartment was up in December. By then I had already had my belongings out of the apartment for quite some time. All that was left was his. I got the brunt of his frustration for leaving him to pack his own things and clean "his" own apartment. The rest of the year was spent us living 15 minutes apart, arguing, making up, and deciding where to go next. My health had declined immensely. I was nearly 200lbs (compared to being 145 when I met him), developed a hiatial hernia that caused me to vomit acid in the mornings and cause immense pain in my sternum area after eating, and my wrist had deteriorated to a point that doing almost anything with it for more than two hours at a time hurt. My mental health was up and down. At home, I would be happy and fine. With him, I was irritable and uncomfortable. Eventually, he says he wants to go back to school for a higher degree...
In 2019, I had hit my final breaking point. Brandon had once again went behind my back and tried to hide it from me IN FRONT OF ME that he had been looking at other women. I berated him for it at this point. I had had enough of being taken for granted. I had witnessed him still beating the dog that I helped him get. He held it up against the door by the throat just for growling at him. Anyone who spoke out against him was immediately yelled at and told they were ignorant. He openly spoke about how he thought service workers were beneath him when he was told to get a job after being fired from two separate jobs in three months. I still held on as much as I could, but I could no longer respect him as a person. I stopped caring and went out with my old friends from that concert years ago. One of them that I'm particularly close to told me I needed to get away from Brandon, to run and never look back. He showed me kindness and genuine concern that I needed to make the decision to leave for good. I came back and eventually met with Brandon in a public park. There I broke down and opened up to him, saying if he seriously wanted it to work with me, he needed to make some major sacrifices the same way I had done for him years ago. He refused and even mocked me as I was crying in front of everyone. It was that singular interaction that told me everything I had been denying for so long.
From then on, I was my own person again. For three months, I took back what he took from me. He acted like he owned me still. And I let him believe it up until he moved away to go back to school again. For three months, I pursued my own interests, rebuilding the friendships I had damaged, applied to jobs I never would've even considered before, and even began talking to a friend about healing and faith, all the while using Brandon the same way he used me. The day before he left, I returned to him a check and some clothes and I left feeling a sense of pride in myself. I left him crying on the back of the uhaul his mother paid for, questioning why I would ever do this to him, while I walked away feeling not one ounce of guilt for the tears he shed.
Four years of deceit and denial.
It was in May that I was told to run. And that's exactly what I did. I couldn't refuse the truth anymore. Brandon had manipulated me, gas lit me, abused me, and used me for his own personal gain. I let him take advantage of me and my good will for so long. He drained me so much that my own body was trying to kill itself from the inside out. I lost my creativity with him. Anything I produced for him, he would copy and try to make it seem like it was his idea. As much as he tried to tell me it was all my fault, I know it wasn't all me.
The past six months have been ones of healing for me. I've not been in this alone. All the mutual friends we had abandoned him of their own volition, learning that he is someone who is only in things for himself. I still talk to all of them daily and play games with them weekly. They've become like a second family to me. My old friends have shown me nothing but love and forgiveness for my actions or lack thereof. I have a job that I enjoy and an even bigger offer on the table. I've lost weight and am back down to 165lbs, my physical health problems have disappeared (minus the wrist issues), and my mental health has improved immensely. I'm no longer on medication for my depression. I do still have some down days, but they last no more than a day now. My creativity is slowly flowing back and I've even found my love for sculpting and painting again. In these six months, I've fallen for a wonderful man. We've known each other for about two years and we finally decided to give the whole long distance thing a go back in August. He's been very encouraging of my endeavors and gets excited over everything I do for him. The best part of it all, he gives the effort right back.
Things are drastically different than they used to be.
I am happy.
Though I may still struggle, my heart is full.
It may be a little difficult, but I'm going to do my best to upload here again. I don't have much to show for my time away, but I do have some small doodles here and there. I may also be looking to commission some pieces of art here soon. If you know of any artists that are open, I'd love to give them a look.
I hope everyone has been having a pleasant 2020 so far!
That's something we all know too well.
The purpose of this journal is for me to get everything I've been keeping under wraps out in the open. So if you don't want to read some of my personal life going-on's, then this journal isn't for you.
For the past 4.5-5 years, I've been on a constant down it seems.
I thought I could push through it and come out stronger. But the truth is...
It got to me.
And I was in denial the entire time.
Nearly two years after I moved back to West Virginia, I'm finally ready to talk about the abuse I endured. Some of this will get into personal details, but I just don't care about that anymore. I'm doing my best to heal from everything. And writing it down helps.
Back in 2015, I met a guy named Brandon, aka "Alpha," and I thought the world of him. He seemed like a decent enough guy and he promised me so much. At the time we didn't live together and he provided me an escape when things got rough at home. He wasn't employed at the time I met him, but eventually he got a job at Lowes for a few months. Sure, we argued a few times here and there as couples do. But some things just didn't sit right with me when we did. He would constantly pressure me to talk about things before I was ready to. He got mad at me if I said I visited a male friend in public without him. He got angry because I didn't want to try some sexual things with him. One particular night, I wanted to leave to go home in the middle of an argument (over a belt of all things). He followed me to my car and wouldn't let me shut my door. That alone should've been enough to tell me to never come back. But I pushed it aside...
Fast forward to 2016. He tells me he has plans to go back to school. "Great!" I thought. He could get into doing what he wanted to for a living and we could be happy. He asked me to move with him to Ohio and I stupidly agreed. I left everything I knew behind. My family, friends, job, my cats that helped me through so much. I gave it all up to make him happy. The moving process was hard enough with my grandmother showing herself and degrading me, calling me a list of names. I cried the whole 2 hour drive to our new apartment. Brandon and his family tried to comfort me but they could only do so much. In the end, he was only concerned that he got to live in "his" apartment with me. To try and make myself feel better, I came back home to WV to see a few of my friends play at a music event. Out of fear of an argument, I opted not to tell Brandon I went. All I wanted was to give myself a little escape from everything I just went through. That was a mistake on my part. I came home and he said a friend of his saw me there and he went through my phone while I was asleep to find out for sure. I admitted to it, apologized, and tried to make up for it in every way I could think of. He never forgave me. He always held it against me and brought it up in every argument after, like he was keeping score of everything I did wrong. Since that point, I always told him where I was and who I was with, and even made sure to text him back as soon as he sent me something. He chose to punish me for months by restricting any affection he gave me and even brushing me off if I tried to give him any, choosing video games over mending what I had damaged. I should have left then too. But I didn't. Not for good anyway...
At some point between 2016 and 2017, I moved back home to WV to try and get my mental health under control. My job in OH treated me horribly, I didn't know anyone up there, and I missed working with my people in WV. I was not doing well and I needed my support group of friends and family. Brandon didn't like it and even said I was "abandoning" him to take care of myself. I still came back and stayed with him on my days off. I still worked my ass off to pay my half of the bills even though I wasn't there half the time. Meanwhile, he stayed home and never worked at all. The place was always a wreck. I would come in to help clean up and do chores on my first day, even cook dinner when he got home from school. Looking back at this point, I wasn't a partner to him anymore. I was just free housekeeping and easy sex when he wanted it. I should've stayed in WV. But I didn't...
In early 2017 I finally broke for the first time. I ended up moving back in with Brandon and only driving to WV for work. I tried keeping things between us fresh and interesting. He'd rather spend time playing games and watching youtube though. "I'll come to bed in a minute," I was told. It never happened. He left me at the apartment one weekend in the middle of a massive depressive episode so he could go back to WV drink with one of his female friends with a promiscuous past. I wasn't ok with it, I was always suspicious of the girl considering she's cheated on her partners multiple times since I'd known her. But I pushed it aside and let him go. He never told me where he was or who he was with like he asked of me. He left me wondering for two hours what was going on then acted like I was overreacting when he finally responded. That night, I took a bottle of wine, hiked up the mountain behind the apartment, and drank myself stupid, debating to jump off the cliff edge or not. I staggered my way back inside and took a long shower and went to bed instead after a long talk with my mother and step dad. When Brandon got home, he acted like nothing was wrong...
Things cooled down for a while until summer rolled around. Eventually we got a dog together. I wish we never did. He abused that poor dog from the day we got him. He would yank him out of the kennel and beat him until he yelped, cried, and peed himself out of fear just because he didn't understand commands yet or he had an accident in the floor. We fought over it constantly. He even pushed for me to be like him and hit the dog for punishment. He called it "consistent training." Through all the arguments, he had convinced me that I was crazy and I needed to be medicated. So I went to the doctor and got some antidepressants and anxiety medication. I was "too unstable and crazy" when I wasn't taking my medicine and "he could tell when I wasn't on it." That was a lie. That summer he finally got a job at one of the local parks. I was still working in WV so he would still get time alone at the apartment for a few days a week. One of the days I came home, he went to work early in the morning. So it was just me and the dog there until around 6 in the afternoon. We had our routine and we got along wonderfully on our own. I was feeling a little inspired to learn something new, so I opened youtube on his xbox to search some tutorials since we always used it together. His search history left me shocked and speechless. I was empty inside and hollow. Behind my back he had been looking up other women to please himself to. It's one thing if you talk to me about it. But it's another entirely if you hide it from me. I broke down, talked to my best friend and called my mom. That day, we rented a small uhaul, loaded up all my belongings and took them back to WV for good. I sat on the couch and waited until he came home to tell him I was leaving. He looked stunned. He roamed the apartment in disbelief that I would ever do such a thing. He begged me to stay and reconsider. I refused. I got in my car and headed back to WV...
In 2018, I foolishly lived between homes. Half in WV and half in OH with Brandon. I didn't trust him anymore, but I still tried. He quit his job at the park and was on his last half year of school. Things seemed like they were getting better. But they never really did. He caused me to push my friends away, think horribly of my own family, and reduce my circle to only him and his mother. The lease for the apartment was up in December. By then I had already had my belongings out of the apartment for quite some time. All that was left was his. I got the brunt of his frustration for leaving him to pack his own things and clean "his" own apartment. The rest of the year was spent us living 15 minutes apart, arguing, making up, and deciding where to go next. My health had declined immensely. I was nearly 200lbs (compared to being 145 when I met him), developed a hiatial hernia that caused me to vomit acid in the mornings and cause immense pain in my sternum area after eating, and my wrist had deteriorated to a point that doing almost anything with it for more than two hours at a time hurt. My mental health was up and down. At home, I would be happy and fine. With him, I was irritable and uncomfortable. Eventually, he says he wants to go back to school for a higher degree...
In 2019, I had hit my final breaking point. Brandon had once again went behind my back and tried to hide it from me IN FRONT OF ME that he had been looking at other women. I berated him for it at this point. I had had enough of being taken for granted. I had witnessed him still beating the dog that I helped him get. He held it up against the door by the throat just for growling at him. Anyone who spoke out against him was immediately yelled at and told they were ignorant. He openly spoke about how he thought service workers were beneath him when he was told to get a job after being fired from two separate jobs in three months. I still held on as much as I could, but I could no longer respect him as a person. I stopped caring and went out with my old friends from that concert years ago. One of them that I'm particularly close to told me I needed to get away from Brandon, to run and never look back. He showed me kindness and genuine concern that I needed to make the decision to leave for good. I came back and eventually met with Brandon in a public park. There I broke down and opened up to him, saying if he seriously wanted it to work with me, he needed to make some major sacrifices the same way I had done for him years ago. He refused and even mocked me as I was crying in front of everyone. It was that singular interaction that told me everything I had been denying for so long.
From then on, I was my own person again. For three months, I took back what he took from me. He acted like he owned me still. And I let him believe it up until he moved away to go back to school again. For three months, I pursued my own interests, rebuilding the friendships I had damaged, applied to jobs I never would've even considered before, and even began talking to a friend about healing and faith, all the while using Brandon the same way he used me. The day before he left, I returned to him a check and some clothes and I left feeling a sense of pride in myself. I left him crying on the back of the uhaul his mother paid for, questioning why I would ever do this to him, while I walked away feeling not one ounce of guilt for the tears he shed.
Four years of deceit and denial.
It was in May that I was told to run. And that's exactly what I did. I couldn't refuse the truth anymore. Brandon had manipulated me, gas lit me, abused me, and used me for his own personal gain. I let him take advantage of me and my good will for so long. He drained me so much that my own body was trying to kill itself from the inside out. I lost my creativity with him. Anything I produced for him, he would copy and try to make it seem like it was his idea. As much as he tried to tell me it was all my fault, I know it wasn't all me.
The past six months have been ones of healing for me. I've not been in this alone. All the mutual friends we had abandoned him of their own volition, learning that he is someone who is only in things for himself. I still talk to all of them daily and play games with them weekly. They've become like a second family to me. My old friends have shown me nothing but love and forgiveness for my actions or lack thereof. I have a job that I enjoy and an even bigger offer on the table. I've lost weight and am back down to 165lbs, my physical health problems have disappeared (minus the wrist issues), and my mental health has improved immensely. I'm no longer on medication for my depression. I do still have some down days, but they last no more than a day now. My creativity is slowly flowing back and I've even found my love for sculpting and painting again. In these six months, I've fallen for a wonderful man. We've known each other for about two years and we finally decided to give the whole long distance thing a go back in August. He's been very encouraging of my endeavors and gets excited over everything I do for him. The best part of it all, he gives the effort right back.
Things are drastically different than they used to be.
I am happy.
Though I may still struggle, my heart is full.
It may be a little difficult, but I'm going to do my best to upload here again. I don't have much to show for my time away, but I do have some small doodles here and there. I may also be looking to commission some pieces of art here soon. If you know of any artists that are open, I'd love to give them a look.
I hope everyone has been having a pleasant 2020 so far!
But, like, you figured that out, you got the help you needed and still need, and are growing and working your way back up from it. And you even found someone new, someone better, someone built off of a real relationship from the sounds of it that supports you in the way that a relationship like that should support you.
I'm proud of that much, even if im just some random dude on the internet x3 I do remember looking at the piece you did for me way back and always wondering what became of you. I'm just sorry I didn't really try any harder to get to know you more to maybe push you to do what you've done sooner...
But, past is past, I hope this helped you put it behind you more firmly, and keep pushing toward that brighter future you so deeply deserve at this point ^^. Excited to see what youll be doing in the months/years to come :3.
But thank you, truly. It means a lot that some of you have stuck around after all this time and even thought of me. I still enjoy coming back to see what all some of you have been up to. Just.. Quietly from the shadows lol.
Always, always happy to see accounts and people I enjoy seeing pop back, hope you like what yea see ;3 and am excited for whatever you'll be getting up to! :3 Just keep getting better and better every day.
Yeah I am poor with kind words. But take time which you still need, dear artist. And return here with new enjoyment, smile and will to infect us with good thinking and kidness
I appreciate the thoughts, though. And I absolutely will be back soon! I've had a few small projects taking root in the background here and I'm very excited to share them.
Take time, enjoy fun with those who are close for you, with your family and true friends.
I will await to see what you planned or created