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Bad news
5 years ago
Those of you who have been following my work for a long time will have seen that there's been a steady decline in it. Increasingly less has been created and posted over time, with increasingly long gaps and hiatuses. It's also been ages since I posted anything here, even a journal. I admit that you've deserved an explanation for a very long time, but I've been reluctant to give one. I didn't want to burden you with my emotional baggage, but as of today, I don't see any point in being quiet about it any longer.
I spent some of my late teens and all of my adult life caring for my mother, who after a long and bitter series of injuries and illnesses became bed-ridden. We'd tried hiring many professional nurses and care-givers from time to time, but they all proved too expensive and inexperienced to be of any help. My dad is much older than her and not as sturdy or healthy as he used to be, my sister has a proper job that keeps her busy for most of the time, and we aren't exactly wealthy, so it was inevitable that I would be her primary care-giver. The reason my work has declined so much is because this role became increasingly demanding over time, and my mom was more important to me than anything I created or put onto the internet. Simply put, she was my highest priority.
I can't begin to tell you how difficult it was. She had MS and couldn't walk, had weak upper body strength and arms, little traction or tactile sensation on her hands, and little dexterity. Getting her out of bed and into a wheelchair --- and vice-versa --- was a tremendous physical challenge that a physical therapist actually trained me for, and even then my father and sister still had to assist us. It was a tremendous emotional and psychological challenge as well, because of her personality, hostility under pressure, and the possibility that she could slide out of the wheelchair and end up on the ground (which happened a few times).
Before reading any further, know that the rest of this from here on is EXTREMELY and increasingly bleak; it might be as devastating for you to read as it is for me to write.
The worst part is that she contracted sepsis via MRSA (a multiple drug resistant bacteria), and a surgeon had to remove part of a heel to stop it from getting worse. But the thing about MRSA, is that once it's in your blood, you have it for the rest of your life. Science and medicine haven't figured-out a way to remove it.
Mom ended up in the hospital at least a half-dozen times in 15 years because of this infection, bringing her perilously close to death every time. The only antibiotics that worked on her were two or three of the most powerful yet devised, and they were also poisonous. Many different internal maladies could cause an infection, usually in the form of kidney stones; either could cause the other, and would feed off one another in a vicious cycle. One such infection occured the day after our air conditioner broke-down, and despite our best efforts, she had become dehydrated and developed a kidney stone.
Early in February she developed another sepsis infection, this time so bad that she lost consciousness, almost stopped breathing by the time the paramedics arrived, and the use of CPR was the only reason she was still alive by then. When my family and I went to the hospital, that's when the rollercoaster started.
I had originally written much more about the circumstances of my mom's stay at the hospital, but I decided short of finishing that it would be disrespectful both to my mom and to you readers to just throw all that onto the internet for everyone to read. So I'll tell you the outcome.
At around dawn on March 4th 2020, my mother died.
A part of me died with her. We're now only a family of three, my entire world is shattered, and I don't even know what anything is anymore. I'm struggling to cope with the grief, with living without my mom's insight and enthusiasm, with trying to live day by day in this horrible new existence I suddenly live in and can't escape. It's even harder watching my family struggle with this.
Even so, I'm not going to give up on my life or my family. My mom wouldn't have wanted that. It's also my intention to eventually create and post more content on my web pages later, but I need to get my life in order first.
At the very least, now you all know why my creative endeavors have been such a struggle.
I spent some of my late teens and all of my adult life caring for my mother, who after a long and bitter series of injuries and illnesses became bed-ridden. We'd tried hiring many professional nurses and care-givers from time to time, but they all proved too expensive and inexperienced to be of any help. My dad is much older than her and not as sturdy or healthy as he used to be, my sister has a proper job that keeps her busy for most of the time, and we aren't exactly wealthy, so it was inevitable that I would be her primary care-giver. The reason my work has declined so much is because this role became increasingly demanding over time, and my mom was more important to me than anything I created or put onto the internet. Simply put, she was my highest priority.
I can't begin to tell you how difficult it was. She had MS and couldn't walk, had weak upper body strength and arms, little traction or tactile sensation on her hands, and little dexterity. Getting her out of bed and into a wheelchair --- and vice-versa --- was a tremendous physical challenge that a physical therapist actually trained me for, and even then my father and sister still had to assist us. It was a tremendous emotional and psychological challenge as well, because of her personality, hostility under pressure, and the possibility that she could slide out of the wheelchair and end up on the ground (which happened a few times).
Before reading any further, know that the rest of this from here on is EXTREMELY and increasingly bleak; it might be as devastating for you to read as it is for me to write.
The worst part is that she contracted sepsis via MRSA (a multiple drug resistant bacteria), and a surgeon had to remove part of a heel to stop it from getting worse. But the thing about MRSA, is that once it's in your blood, you have it for the rest of your life. Science and medicine haven't figured-out a way to remove it.
Mom ended up in the hospital at least a half-dozen times in 15 years because of this infection, bringing her perilously close to death every time. The only antibiotics that worked on her were two or three of the most powerful yet devised, and they were also poisonous. Many different internal maladies could cause an infection, usually in the form of kidney stones; either could cause the other, and would feed off one another in a vicious cycle. One such infection occured the day after our air conditioner broke-down, and despite our best efforts, she had become dehydrated and developed a kidney stone.
Early in February she developed another sepsis infection, this time so bad that she lost consciousness, almost stopped breathing by the time the paramedics arrived, and the use of CPR was the only reason she was still alive by then. When my family and I went to the hospital, that's when the rollercoaster started.
I had originally written much more about the circumstances of my mom's stay at the hospital, but I decided short of finishing that it would be disrespectful both to my mom and to you readers to just throw all that onto the internet for everyone to read. So I'll tell you the outcome.
At around dawn on March 4th 2020, my mother died.
A part of me died with her. We're now only a family of three, my entire world is shattered, and I don't even know what anything is anymore. I'm struggling to cope with the grief, with living without my mom's insight and enthusiasm, with trying to live day by day in this horrible new existence I suddenly live in and can't escape. It's even harder watching my family struggle with this.
Even so, I'm not going to give up on my life or my family. My mom wouldn't have wanted that. It's also my intention to eventually create and post more content on my web pages later, but I need to get my life in order first.
At the very least, now you all know why my creative endeavors have been such a struggle.
But my grandmother was in her 90s. My mom wasn't even 70 yet, and my family have struggled through the whole ordeal. We'll recover from this, but it will take time --- possibly a lot of time.