I no longer work at the valley view mall.

I knew this was coming for a long time, but despite my warnings and cautions, complacency always reigned. Always. But now that the job is finally out, the hornet's nest, oh it stirst, yes, as surely as if struck with a stick. Unfortunately, rather than mobilizing my roommates, it seems to have further immobilized them. Rather than ignore the problems, they're rutting themselves into them. And suddenly I see it again: the reflection of myself.

I remember doing this, freaking out because I knew I was supposed to care, and felt worse when trying to blast it out of my mind with games. Come tomorrow, all of the plans my roommate spouted will have disappeared. This is where the reflection fades away.

My roommates... they're the epitome of what I could easily become, and it's... bad. They are Handicapped. She's pacing back and forth whining growling and snarling becuase even though her body knows she has to do something, her mind doesn't want to do anything. It's almost... frightening. It's almost... feral.

Of course I still have even more ugliness beyond even theirs. A part of me is smugly reminding, silently, "That's what they get for putting all their weight on me." "That's what they get for putting all their eggs in my basket." That's what they get for splurging on luxuries when my job is the ONLY INCOME there is, here. Electroluminescent wiring to decorate the car we can't even drive. A faster internet connection than I can even really comprehend. Digital Cable. A Nintendo Wii. Games. MMO Accounts.

And now she's looking back and kicking herself for it, and I am inwardly ruefully shaking my head and... chuckling.

Because, as nice as these things have been--for both of my roommates anyways--I could've lived without them. Not a penny of MY money so far as I knew has gone into it. All I did was cough up five hundred bucks every month. But now I begin to wonder if it was worth it. I'm seriously considering jumping ship and leaving everything exactly the way it is, minus my laptop. come home with nothing to show for my almost-year of absence EXCEPT, perhaps, for a lot of wisdom...

...yes. I have become wiser. I am rather positive I can run my own life better than many people, though perhaps not better than 'most'. I would -like- to go to San Antonio to live with Spiderfox... but I wonder if I might be able to really get college out of the way if I go home? I do miss my parents and my family... And there are some friends who really want me to come home, too.

Well, if all i have to do is tie up loose ends,
then I can. I have time. I could possibly even do it by the end of the month.

And then... maybe, if i'm lucky... I can disappear. Pack up my laptop, and hop that greyhound line back up to MA. I can tell you--comparing MA to VA, VA is better in many ways, but MA is where my family is right now. There are a lot of people who would be glad to see me in MA. That industrial wasteland of brown and grey seems more and more inviting by the day.

Looking back, I got what I came here for. I left home originally to learn how to fend for myself a little and figure out how to influence myself to make moves. Now, the thing that I must seek is people who can encourage me and support me on taking the RIGHT risks. My roommates... feh...
they are complacent.

They are.

If we have one thousand dollars coming in every month, they think it's enough cash to just party and live it up. They've been living like they're well-off while I've been making my slave-wage. If I went back to MA, I wouldn't need to spend on crap. I'd have my internet connection and my wits. I'd like that.

I have also learned why to be selfish. because selfless will only breed contempt. They'll start to expect it of you. Then they'll hold it against you when you get tired. And they'll feel lied to when you reveal that your sincerity was manufactured 'for their benefit', especially when your own misery causes you to collapes. It's not as bad as it could be right now, but I'm about ready to go.