So, umm...it's been a few years hasn't it? I am gonna be spending some time organizing my gallery, and removing any problematic content I can find. Almost all of my older journals are gone, they are either irrelevant or reflect sentiments I no longer identify with. If you find anything that slipped through the cracks, do let me know. With that out of the way I am sure that there are a lot of questions to be answered. I can get the more obvious ones out of the way first.

So the first question, what made me leave first? It's a lot of frustration, actually. I was frustrated with the way the site was managed, there was a lot of things here and there that just bothered me back then. But one thing that stood out was how loose the site security was that lead to a massive leak of private notes. With those leaks, a lot of uncomfortable truths got revealed, including the one situation where a very popular artist has been revealed to be extremely greasy, and bordering on hebephilia with how he targeted certain folks to emotionally blackmail into sex. Now, I am not gonna hold the admin to how they handled this revelation, because I don't expect them to be prepared for such a bombshell, just that I hope that they learned from this, and would be more concerned with the well-being of the victim than protecting the popular members from judgement. However, there is one thing that happened that made it feel like a real sharp slap to the face of sexual abuse victims in this community, and it's how said greasy sex fiend got promoted to site admin for a while. To say that I was disgusted was an understatement. Yeah, this bothers me still. Quite honestly, that sex pest should have been banned long ago.

So with that in mind, why did I choose to return? This is gonna leave out a lot of back story, but the summary of it is that I let go of my ego and a lot of my pride, thanks to those close to me who insist I return because of the benefits it would bring me. I ended up deciding that I shouldn't be trying to fight one woman wars against every injustice I find, even if some of those causes are worth fighting for, because I would only end up harming myself, and with me growing the way I have and learning to love myself again, I feel like deplatforming myself when a lot of people are already pointing those guns at me is counter-productive. There's also the fact that some of my now-closest friends are in here exclusively, and being there for them is far more important than my pride. Does that mean that I will let the people I had been seeking to make accountable off the hook? Nope, but I am not letting myself suffer over their injustices anymore.

There were a lot of things that happened in between that I also do need to talk about. The first of which is how I fell into groups that contributed towards my general sense of bitterness that I once held onto. So, when I left FA, I took my grievances to other platforms, and a lot of leftist communities, particularly feminists took notice. I ended up falling into Social Justice groups, and befriending a lot of them.

Unfortunately, there were a couple of factors that would eventually made that arrangement unsustainable. The first being that I never bothered to study and discuss the dialectics that lead to the leftist social theories that I once held and now hold, so that made me vulnerable to a lot of the rhetorics that would eventually be known to be associated with Gamergate and the AltRight, since I once thought that all you needed was the desire to be and do good, and the tactics of the alt-right exploit and manipulate that desire in order to gain followers.

The second factor is due to bad luck, a lot of the people who I befriended in that era turned out to be abusive people, either of the communal narcissist type, or just plain sexually abusive. With only those folk as a reference point, plus the goading of the early era GamerGaters, I was gaslit into believing that this was what ALL of leftism was like. With that, as well as how a lot of my former friends on the left abused me for even talking to those people, my bitterness grew to sickening levels, and it pushed me deep into the Gamergate community.

The final factor was that I was extremely emotionally vulnerable back then, having just been freed from the spell of my abusive late mother when she got an aneurysm and then died after 2 years of her being bedridden, and also dealing with extreme dysphoria, to the point where I had a mental breakdown and my soul split into 3 over it. I dove into a lot of toxic behaviours that I no longer condone or support, in order to cope. Those tendencies carried on for years and persisted until only recently.

At around the same time Gamergate got started, I started to transition. For several years, I started to take contraceptive pills each day in order to get the effects of the hormones, while going through therapy, and seeing doctors to start getting on HRT. Admittedly, that also played a part in what drove me further into Gamergate too. See, I had this reasoning back then that if they really were as bad as my peers warned them to be, they would be pushing me away. But that didn't happen, what instead happened was far worse, and a move that I never anticipated, they made me their golden trans child and slowly, through daily exposure to transmed/truscum rhetoric and propaganda, weaponized me against other trans folk.

This went on for years, I got to witness the birth of AltFurry, which by the way, was indeed an offshoot of GamerGate and also driven by the resurgence of the AltRight. This brought everything that was wrong with GamerGate into the furry community, and poisoned it. Over time, they got worse, I got worse. We teamed up with the Furry Raiders, some of us, myself included, even going so far as establishing dual membership with Xanadu/The Furry Mead Hall. A lot of us didn't know what we were getting into, a lot of us were lost souls looking for a place to belong. I did, but by then, I was too embittered to care. At the time, the face of leftism looked like the people who entrap people into no-win situations, the face of leftism looked a lot like the propaganda I was fed everyday, and the face of leftism looked like people like the ex of my girlfriend, who almost pushed her to suicide through whisper campaigns and rumor-mongering.

Eventually, I ended up becoming a fully-fledged fascist for a while, as impossible as it seemed back then. If there is any example of how insidious and terrifying the tactics of fascists can be, it's this. They took my pain, my vulnerabilities and my insecurities, and used them to keep my wounds opened and fresh, so I would keep lashing out at my former peers for their benefit and amusement. So those hylic trash can get to hide behind me and my identity like the miserable cowards that they are. They hide behind the culture and language of respectability, and leverage the anger of the oppressed against them.

So what changed? Well, my girlfriend found out, and staged an intervention that lasted 9 hours. It was the most emotionally nerve wracking thing I've ever had to go through. Being shown your own reflection after you've spent years going down a bad path, and how harmful it was to you and those around you was a hard pill to swallow. I had to admit a lot of things to myself that i was afraid of thinking about, and by the end of it, I decided to make one of the hardest decisions of my life....

...I decided to have a break up. To end a 3-year long relationship with AltFurry and the Raiders, who by then, had become my entire world. And place the trust in my future, despite my fear of the impending uncertainty, into the hands of my girlfriend. Slowly, I disconnected from groups controlled and owned by them, I started consuming leftist media, and detoxifying myself, I started thinking for myself and developing a robust set of dialectics to support my new perspectives. Eventually Alice (  Matthew Silvermane ) and Deo ( Yes, that Deo. ) got involved and helped pull me out of a lot of the toxic ideas and habits that I had accumulated. It was a process that lasted for at least a year. Eventually, I reconnected with a lot of the people I had estranged myself from, mostly folks from the LGBT+ crowd.

Thanks to all the wonderful people I now consider my friends, I ended up discovering a lot of things about myself, including the fact that I am nonbinary, and I was encouraged to explore more of myself, being autistic, plural and otherkin. I feel a lot more content and at peace with myself, and that a lot of the bitterness that had kept me shackled is completely gone. I am now a lot older and wiser, and a lot more hardened against being gaslit by fascist propaganda once again, and I am thankful for it. I look forward to reconnecting with you all once again. Much love! <3