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MOVING OUT! [optimistic vent]
5 years ago
TLDR Version:
I'm officially moving out of my lifelong home, in with a friend who's very kindly taking on a majority of the financial burden. I've put money into savings so I'll do all I can to ensure that I will remain stable and safe without dragging him under if I'm unable to get commission work.
So, I'll be focusing on doing commissions FULL-TIME. Finally in a safe environment where my schedule & productivity wont depend on someone else's whims, moods or demands.
I'll be trading the problems I currently have for a whole new set of problems (mainly financial).
But at least struggling to buy my own food is going to be my own problem for ME to solve, rather than the constant guilt of food and other amenities being held over my head as ammunition by the 'authority figure' of the house.
It'll be hard. But I'm optimistic that it'll be good.
I want to thank everyone that's commissioned me over the past few years; I've been saving almost every cent I've earned with my art and its the only reason I have been able to build up a safety net of savings to be able to try and make this move.
And I'm looking forward to continue working on commissions so that I can finally do more than simply survive. I want to finally live.
After living in this house my entire life, I'm finally stepping out of my comfort zone in an attempt to move out.
I no longer wish to endure the abuse I've lived with all my life. Mother screamed at me to get the fuck out, and so I'm hoping to shock her and do just that.
You will see how badly you needed me. Since as with all things - you never know what you had until it's gone.
I've spent my entire life fawning to you, developing Anxiety and CPTSD as a result. Enduring regular nightmares and waking up to you kicking my door open to scream at me over something as trivial as a dish left on the counter. I'd understand if my behavior at times warrants irritation. But there is never an excuse to scream at someone, call them profanity-laden insults, and tell them they've never done anything for you when I'd given up my very childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood trying to be the confidant, advisor, and surrogate-spouse, housemaid, servant, chauffeur & slave you craved.
I bent over backwards for you. My entire waking and sleeping existence revolved around doing anything and everything physically possible to placate your narcissistic rage, treading a minefield daily praying to god you wouldn't explode because you overwhelm yourself with other people's problems, and then vent your spleen by using me as the timid, passive, willing punching bag.
The verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation was my normal, and has been up until I started working part-time at the college Theatre on a whim.
There I learned what it was like to be treated like a human being. With human decency, and even outright genuine kindness.
When the other student-workers would jokingly tell our Professor & Boss no, my stomach would plummet and I'd be filled with fear in anticipation of a screaming rage for questioning his authority. But instead, he laughed. The environment was casual, friendly, and kind.
On the first day we were asked to clean the theatre & all relevant spaces, and all the other student-workers refused to clean the mini-fridge in the break room because it was disgusting from students being messy the previous semester. Immediately I raised my hand to volunteer, willing to deal with the disgusting mess to please both [boss] and [supervisor], fearing that if no one volunteered they would immediately snap into irritation.
The two of them looked to me, smiled and thanked me for volunteering. I finished cleaning the mini-fridge in about an hour. My entire life has revolved around honing cleaning skills to meet mother's impossible standards. I know how to clean, and how to do it effectively without wasting materials. With the task completed I reported back to my superiors, who were genuinely pleased with how thoroughly the fridge had been cleaned, looked me in the eye and said: "Thank you for doing such a great job. And for volunteering, I didn't even want to clean it myself so I really appreciate it."
The day continued on, and I was given things to clean, tasks to complete. All without a single person raising their voice, or screaming at me. Never once saying the things I'm so used to hearing;
"You have EYES, don't you SEE THE MESS? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND", "I don't care who made this fucking mess you'd better clean it right fucking now.", "Everything you've done is so half-assed. If you're going to clean at least do it right!", "I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU, YOU LAZY UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS."
I remember finishing the day, clocking out, sitting in my car and just. crying.
Not because I was scared of my supervisor or boss. Not because they had been mean to me. But because they HADN'T. Because they had shown me the decent of being treated respectfully, and even gone so far as to genuinely thank me for doing something as basic as cleaning a mini-fridge, all while also paying me minimum wage to do it.
I always imagined getting a job being the same as at home & school: a miserable experience where everyone torments you psychologically, emotionally, physically, ordering you around like a slave, finding a flaw in everything you do. But my thought process has always been
"But Ill be compensated with a paycheck so that makes it worth the abuse.". But being at the theatre, I learned that isn't how it has to be.
Every day for an entire semester I worked with these people, who praised me for everything I'd do for them and valued my hard work, and my willingness to take orders. Mother had raised a subservient obedient child. But had I not been blessed with such kind and decent human beings as my first-ever real-world-job employers I very well would have ended up in the hands of an unkind supervisor that would easily take advantage of my damaged psyche that values being "a valuable obedient servant" over my own self-respect as a human being.
And after that experience, it just really highlights the injustice, cruelty and abuse in this household.
So when she screamed at me to "Get the fuck out", and my friend was over listening to it the next day he said he'd be willing to let me go with him. I've been given such a fortunate opportunity and so I'm taking it.
Life is never easy, we cant plan it all out and things are hard. especially as the world is now. But all we can do is try our best to improve our situations and ourselves. So that's what I'm hoping to achieve.
thanks for reading my long info-dump ramble. I'm just super passionate about Mental Health Advocacy and stuff so I'm sure theres lots of others in a similar situation. And man, I am here for you. And you are valid. There is no excuse for abuse. You deserve more than to be someone else's servantmaid or doormat. You're a person and you have a right to human decency just like everyone else.
Please take the time to try and re-learn what it means to be a human being. It's taken me 25 years to realize I have been brainwashed into thinking being a subservient, people-pleasing, masochist is the only way I could prove my value to others.
But the only people who want submissive servants are narcissistic control freaks (who may also need to find their own help someday too.)
We ALL have to strive to better ourselves, and that's what I'm determined to do. For my own sake.
<3
I'm officially moving out of my lifelong home, in with a friend who's very kindly taking on a majority of the financial burden. I've put money into savings so I'll do all I can to ensure that I will remain stable and safe without dragging him under if I'm unable to get commission work.
So, I'll be focusing on doing commissions FULL-TIME. Finally in a safe environment where my schedule & productivity wont depend on someone else's whims, moods or demands.
I'll be trading the problems I currently have for a whole new set of problems (mainly financial).
But at least struggling to buy my own food is going to be my own problem for ME to solve, rather than the constant guilt of food and other amenities being held over my head as ammunition by the 'authority figure' of the house.
It'll be hard. But I'm optimistic that it'll be good.
I want to thank everyone that's commissioned me over the past few years; I've been saving almost every cent I've earned with my art and its the only reason I have been able to build up a safety net of savings to be able to try and make this move.
And I'm looking forward to continue working on commissions so that I can finally do more than simply survive. I want to finally live.
Long Rambly VENT Version:After living in this house my entire life, I'm finally stepping out of my comfort zone in an attempt to move out.
I no longer wish to endure the abuse I've lived with all my life. Mother screamed at me to get the fuck out, and so I'm hoping to shock her and do just that.
You will see how badly you needed me. Since as with all things - you never know what you had until it's gone.
I've spent my entire life fawning to you, developing Anxiety and CPTSD as a result. Enduring regular nightmares and waking up to you kicking my door open to scream at me over something as trivial as a dish left on the counter. I'd understand if my behavior at times warrants irritation. But there is never an excuse to scream at someone, call them profanity-laden insults, and tell them they've never done anything for you when I'd given up my very childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood trying to be the confidant, advisor, and surrogate-spouse, housemaid, servant, chauffeur & slave you craved.
I bent over backwards for you. My entire waking and sleeping existence revolved around doing anything and everything physically possible to placate your narcissistic rage, treading a minefield daily praying to god you wouldn't explode because you overwhelm yourself with other people's problems, and then vent your spleen by using me as the timid, passive, willing punching bag.
The verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation was my normal, and has been up until I started working part-time at the college Theatre on a whim.
There I learned what it was like to be treated like a human being. With human decency, and even outright genuine kindness.
I always think back on my first day as a Student Worker a Year ago:When the other student-workers would jokingly tell our Professor & Boss no, my stomach would plummet and I'd be filled with fear in anticipation of a screaming rage for questioning his authority. But instead, he laughed. The environment was casual, friendly, and kind.
On the first day we were asked to clean the theatre & all relevant spaces, and all the other student-workers refused to clean the mini-fridge in the break room because it was disgusting from students being messy the previous semester. Immediately I raised my hand to volunteer, willing to deal with the disgusting mess to please both [boss] and [supervisor], fearing that if no one volunteered they would immediately snap into irritation.
The two of them looked to me, smiled and thanked me for volunteering. I finished cleaning the mini-fridge in about an hour. My entire life has revolved around honing cleaning skills to meet mother's impossible standards. I know how to clean, and how to do it effectively without wasting materials. With the task completed I reported back to my superiors, who were genuinely pleased with how thoroughly the fridge had been cleaned, looked me in the eye and said: "Thank you for doing such a great job. And for volunteering, I didn't even want to clean it myself so I really appreciate it."
The day continued on, and I was given things to clean, tasks to complete. All without a single person raising their voice, or screaming at me. Never once saying the things I'm so used to hearing;
"You have EYES, don't you SEE THE MESS? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND", "I don't care who made this fucking mess you'd better clean it right fucking now.", "Everything you've done is so half-assed. If you're going to clean at least do it right!", "I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU, YOU LAZY UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS."
I remember finishing the day, clocking out, sitting in my car and just. crying.
Not because I was scared of my supervisor or boss. Not because they had been mean to me. But because they HADN'T. Because they had shown me the decent of being treated respectfully, and even gone so far as to genuinely thank me for doing something as basic as cleaning a mini-fridge, all while also paying me minimum wage to do it.
I always imagined getting a job being the same as at home & school: a miserable experience where everyone torments you psychologically, emotionally, physically, ordering you around like a slave, finding a flaw in everything you do. But my thought process has always been
"But Ill be compensated with a paycheck so that makes it worth the abuse.". But being at the theatre, I learned that isn't how it has to be.
Every day for an entire semester I worked with these people, who praised me for everything I'd do for them and valued my hard work, and my willingness to take orders. Mother had raised a subservient obedient child. But had I not been blessed with such kind and decent human beings as my first-ever real-world-job employers I very well would have ended up in the hands of an unkind supervisor that would easily take advantage of my damaged psyche that values being "a valuable obedient servant" over my own self-respect as a human being.
And after that experience, it just really highlights the injustice, cruelty and abuse in this household.
So when she screamed at me to "Get the fuck out", and my friend was over listening to it the next day he said he'd be willing to let me go with him. I've been given such a fortunate opportunity and so I'm taking it.
Life is never easy, we cant plan it all out and things are hard. especially as the world is now. But all we can do is try our best to improve our situations and ourselves. So that's what I'm hoping to achieve.
thanks for reading my long info-dump ramble. I'm just super passionate about Mental Health Advocacy and stuff so I'm sure theres lots of others in a similar situation. And man, I am here for you. And you are valid. There is no excuse for abuse. You deserve more than to be someone else's servantmaid or doormat. You're a person and you have a right to human decency just like everyone else.
Please take the time to try and re-learn what it means to be a human being. It's taken me 25 years to realize I have been brainwashed into thinking being a subservient, people-pleasing, masochist is the only way I could prove my value to others.
But the only people who want submissive servants are narcissistic control freaks (who may also need to find their own help someday too.)
We ALL have to strive to better ourselves, and that's what I'm determined to do. For my own sake.
<3
It'll take time, but it will be one of the biggest fucking breaths of fresh air you've ever taken, and I'm really damn proud of you that you're able to finally make this decision.
I'm still epiphany-ing almost every day over things I can do now, things I can enjoy without getting in trouble for it, dealing with my own issues instead of having someone else's problems shoveled constantly on my back as if they were my fault.
Have someone to talk to about this. Don't bottle it up. I'm learning that its okay to talk about my problems with someone, even if its just you repeating the same thing over and over. I'm still not over everything I went through, and that's Okay. It will take time, sometimes even years. I'm still learning to talk about my problems and not constantly think I'm a burden etc.
I hope you will be Okay too. Again, I'm honestly happy and proud of you for making this momentous decision. You can do the thing. Stay strong.
Here's to a better future.
You did not deserve to go through what you went through.
What you dealt with during your job is DEFINITELY how everyone should treat each other, it's baffling how the world seems to think verbally abusing one other and tearing them apart is the best option when it's more rewarding to be kind.
You've got this, you can do it! You've got the support! I'm behind you 100%
You've got a set of skills that is very much desired on the internet. You've got the brain. I think you'll do just fine. If you are ever financially worried about yourself, try googling things like 'income assistance in YOUR AREA" and start learning where the soup kitchens/foodbanks are. The food will probably be cheap, but that's one more dollar you can put down for rent.
Income assistance can be a bitch of a process to get started on, so do it as soon as you notice/think things are gonna go down hill.
I'm fortunate that I've been able to put most of my earnings in savings the past few years, I hoard like a dragon because I constantly fear something bad will happen. So I do have a bit of a safety net but my goal is to never have to use it.
I'm hoping I can do commissions full time so this will be the ultimate test to see if there's enough demand for my art to survive financially. I'm a penny pinching fiend (to an an unhealthy extreme)
But with my friend I'm hopefully we can manage. >:3c
I'll get a miserable fast food job if I have to. Whatever it takes to survive. But art is the dream so I'm gonna try my best.
I want to be in a position I'll never need to ask for help, but if things aren't looking great I'll reach out. uwu
I'm hoping I'll never be in a position to need help, but if things are ever looking grim I'll reach out. <3
I'm looking forward to the experience of living on my own. We're starting off with just a 6 month lease so it won't be too long and a nice test run. But hopefully I'll eventually find my way to the DFW where there are actually jobs besides fast food & retail that have to do with art.
Between the financing/shelter aid, mixed in with having a very stable head on your shoulders to persevere this far, by building up a form of freelancing income purely on your own…especially during such an ironic time in the world…just remember to keep reflecting on how fortunate you still are. Take none of your accomplishments for granted, because you could have easily wound up with a more unfavourable hand of cards, dealt from that deck of life. …Damn, that sounded cheesy, but it's good enough to get the point across!
There is goodness in the world, despite how much of it seems horrible, and I'm happy to hear you've finally found it. As for your friend…you feel like someone who would never be a burden onto someone else. So if you ever think you are, but what you're still doing is making the right decisions in your life…your friend will already understand plenty. Everything will be fine.