It could be not enough but, in spite of me not knowing what are you going through, I don't think that's the best option, why not trying to enjoy the few good things of the life instead? Because I'm sure you still have things to enjoy, there's always something, and if not, it is never too late to look for something new to live for :3

I think that’s true as well, I guess I just feel the gratification would come more quickly and easily in the scenario I depicted xd I suppose I could try that, but I feel as if I’ve tried so many times, but what’s still there that I despise is too grand to ignore, and the only options I can really see are me picking myself up or having these feelings beaten out of me, this route leading for me to suffer for eternity, but it’s what I deserve anyhow so whatever lole

Well, you know, sometimes is not what you try but rather how you do it: if you keep focusing on negative feelings then every single thing you do is going to end up in the same way, but if instead you try to enjoy every moment of those things that still motivate you, it may be different.
I don't know what's exactly that that you despise but regardless of what it be, don't let it defeat you, life is only one and it is to be enjoyed, not to be permanently suffering, and eventually every storm has to end

I sure hope so lol, thank you