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A Trip Through My Conscious Mind in the Month of April
5 years ago
General
A lot of people, including myself, share the same sentiment that April's been kind of a shit month. These days I hardly exist here, as is apparent with my journal and submission count. However, most others at least share the same "favorite only" lifestyle, and that's okay and valid. For myself there's a shroud hovering over my being, one that's extra persistent whenever I'm not being distracted by anything else. One that's pleading me to do something, anything more than what I was being distracted by just moments before. I'm hoping to soon navigate and actually solve this internal issue soon, and it was thanks to the month of April that this issue revealed itself to be ever prevalent within my daily life.
But first I'd rather talk about the couple of good things that have happened. At least in my opinion, of course. Besides the monumental amount of time I've devoted to self reflection during this month, I've also rekindled a couple of friendships with some local furs. I think that deserves a paragraph or two of its own, however, since it ties in with the whole self reflection thing. "BEN Drowned" is apparently being revived, which hits me not only on a nostalgic note, but also a writing one. Especially considering the things the author is pumping out (though some ideas presented seem rather on the nose), it's really refreshing to see the author's writing style come out and shine again. I was rather sheltered from anything horror related as a kid up until highschool, and as cringy as the representation of creepypasta gets, like it or not, it was one of those engaging pieces of easily readable writing. Mostly thanks to its references, but even so, if you ever need an example of how to write a good twist, or how to write the beginning on an ARG, I don't think any aspiring writer needs to look anywhere else. While it's nice however, the ARG currently is very much for an adult, group oriented audience. So, I guess I should've been less annoyed as a sophomore in highschool when, after getting mindlessly obsessed with it, I found out that it was discontinued indefinitely.
As for the month, I guess things started out fine. Even with the pandemic invading each aspect of our lives, my roommate and i were still able to find the usual groceries. Sometimes it meant going to local shops, but nevertheless things were never dire. At the same time I developed a dry cough and chest pain, and so while I was the doctor for something unrelated I meantioned it. I had no fever, so I wasn't exactly worried. Still, my doctor gave me a two week self quarentine note and instructed I tell my work of the issue. Also got my first ever prescribed medication as an adult, so that was something I guess. Remember how I said vaguely in the beginning that, unless distracted by work or something mind numbing at home, that I can get thoughts regarding my total dissatisfaction when it comes to my life? Well, let me explain in more detail.
It's probably common for some of you, especially over the past month, through a sudden influx of free time, that you begin to ask yourself, "am I okay with where I am in life?" It's very apparent with myself, and lately (as in from late last year to this past month) I've had short enough spits of free time that this question wasn't thought about. Even when I did get free time in the form of weekends, I just evaded the question with social interaction, alcohol, or both at the same time. And, as you may guess already, I avoid it because the answer to it is, "No, but right now there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. So, let's not think about it."
But, there I was suddenly, with two weeks of free time on my hands. And, it wasn't vacation free time where I could further distract myself with fur cons and the like. It was just at home, where in most cases I just distract myself with YouTube or play smash until I'm tired enough to go to bed.
My social life, even online, is tied together with a few close friends and nothing more. Which is fine in most cases, but being stuck at home for awhile can get kind of grating. Most people I enjoy talking with were still working during this time, or otherwise lead busy lives general. This isn't a petty stab at those wonderful people that I'm thankful to get to talk to, even if it's not as often as I hope. This was more the catalyst, along with something else I'll get to in the next paragraph, that forced me to do some much needed introspection.
Before having this sudden free time my life was very structured. I moved in with one roommate in August/September, but even before then I still had the same job despite the transportation issues, and before that job I was just living somewhere else but doing the same thing (with no transportation issues back then). Which, I suppose is great for most people, including myself for over a year and a half now. The structure was basically work until a free day(s), then drink and be social on those free days. Either at people's houses or downtown, didn't matter all that much. And those moments were fun, but I feel like the first thing I can say with a fact was that those constant weekends muddled down my emotions and made me desensitized. Couple this with my generation already being so desensitized with everything going on in the world, and you get the act of pushing down your emotions so much that the way you process them is a hollow rendition of how you used to. And that's what I felt during those two weeks over something that I really shouldn't have. I know that's vague to say, but the point isn't what made me feel that way, it's that I felt that way.
I want to simply cast a wide net into a sea that has everything to do with my emotional issues, and pull in the giant word alcohol as if to blame everything on it.
But, that's kind of silly to think of it that way. I've been dealing with being overly emotional for so long that I'm kind of taken aback now that I feel like I don't show enough emotion towards anything.
So anyway, I felt pretty meh for those two weeks, but then I got to go back to work and mostly forget about things. Sadly my work cut everyone's hours to 30 and so even though I had potentially six hours of distraction, I really only had around 3 or so since things were, and continue to be, slow. So, back aboard the introspection train I went. At least, when I wasn't trying to distract myself with memes and whatnot. And, I guess by introspection I mean more chastising myself for not writing and less actual thought into why I'm feeling the way I do. Each day I kept trying to push myself to write, and some days it worked and those days I was at least not upset at my inability to enjoy any hobbies. However, most days I would get home and feel completely unmotivated, and just end up distracting myself until I could move on to the next day.
The past few weekends I've been trying to drink less. This is mostly because I felt that the chest pain and dry cough was the constant weekend drinking getting to me. And what do you know? It's been kind of helping. Unfortunately, this past weekend I only had three drinks, all of which were had 3 or so hours in-between. Despite not feeling all that intoxicated during the night, I still woke up with the same symptoms as stated before. So, guess were giving that up almost entirely. Which, in retrospect, probably needed to happen earlier than this. And, even during that weekend, I had the epiphany that I was already starting to drink earlier and earlier on the weekends just to make time go by faster. That's a spiral I really don't wanna see myself going down, so that's that.
It also sucks that tea, when I drink about five or so cups within 11 or so hours, I'll get stomach pain now. That might have to do with eating habits, and it's not like y'all are my doctor. So, I'll go ahead and stop with the health talk.
I did mention before that I did rekindle my friendship with some local friends. It honestly left me mad at myself and the way I selfishly perceive others and their online presence comparatively to their real life one. These couple people and myself have had a history in the past, and what it basically boiled down to was because they didn't text me I thought that they didn't care to talk to me. So, what's the point in pursuing a friendship when you're the only one holding it all together, right? Except I don't feel that way anymore. The same situation was played out to me recently (not entirely however, talking was going fine. It just stopped suddenly) and yet I don't find myself selfishly wanting to wholeheartedly devote myself to abandoning people I do care, or want to eventually want to care, about. Moreover, it always turns out that I'm honestly just an asshole that needs to learn that there's people who exist in this world with a small social battery. People who probably post memes that state, "Sorry I haven't texted back, I saw your message too late and now I don't feel like I can respond properly since I think you're mad at how long I'm already taking." Some people are better in person, and that's it. (I also might not be the greatest to talk to sometimes, but that's self deprecating and I have no way to really prove that unless someone tells me directly, which people have yet to do). The point here is basically, like most things, it's more like a spectrum and less black and white than what I had thought about when I first started talking with people online. I'm happy to at least realize that I've grown past that old mentality, but not entirely. I still kind of beat myself up unnecessarily the last time it happened.
That's mostly the month of April though. I'm still sad a lot, but I'm rediscovering my emotional outlets and allowing myself to indulge in them. I've taken to being more open with friends emotionally, and it's rather nice so far. I'm hoping to start at least writing things, no matter how dumb, and posting them here. Honestly it's probably the safest place to do so. The only way I know (afaik) if anyone sees it is if there's a comment. So, it'll stifle me using this as a means for instant gratification, which is something I also feel like I need. I thought about making a venting Twitter account, but the character limit would cripple me easily. So, here it is.
If you made it this far that means a lot. I apologise if there was barely any cohesion to any of this. I've been writing this on my phone, and I'll just be reading through it once before posting. I'm a relatively open book if there's any questions regarding any of this, but I'd much rather be sent a message on telegram ( bangaadragoon ) rather than discussing things here.
Here's to a better May everyone.
(Also forgot to mention that despite that sweet government money, my car somehow knew I had a savings and is now getting maintenance after it's check engine light turned on. This happened today, the last day of April.)
But first I'd rather talk about the couple of good things that have happened. At least in my opinion, of course. Besides the monumental amount of time I've devoted to self reflection during this month, I've also rekindled a couple of friendships with some local furs. I think that deserves a paragraph or two of its own, however, since it ties in with the whole self reflection thing. "BEN Drowned" is apparently being revived, which hits me not only on a nostalgic note, but also a writing one. Especially considering the things the author is pumping out (though some ideas presented seem rather on the nose), it's really refreshing to see the author's writing style come out and shine again. I was rather sheltered from anything horror related as a kid up until highschool, and as cringy as the representation of creepypasta gets, like it or not, it was one of those engaging pieces of easily readable writing. Mostly thanks to its references, but even so, if you ever need an example of how to write a good twist, or how to write the beginning on an ARG, I don't think any aspiring writer needs to look anywhere else. While it's nice however, the ARG currently is very much for an adult, group oriented audience. So, I guess I should've been less annoyed as a sophomore in highschool when, after getting mindlessly obsessed with it, I found out that it was discontinued indefinitely.
As for the month, I guess things started out fine. Even with the pandemic invading each aspect of our lives, my roommate and i were still able to find the usual groceries. Sometimes it meant going to local shops, but nevertheless things were never dire. At the same time I developed a dry cough and chest pain, and so while I was the doctor for something unrelated I meantioned it. I had no fever, so I wasn't exactly worried. Still, my doctor gave me a two week self quarentine note and instructed I tell my work of the issue. Also got my first ever prescribed medication as an adult, so that was something I guess. Remember how I said vaguely in the beginning that, unless distracted by work or something mind numbing at home, that I can get thoughts regarding my total dissatisfaction when it comes to my life? Well, let me explain in more detail.
It's probably common for some of you, especially over the past month, through a sudden influx of free time, that you begin to ask yourself, "am I okay with where I am in life?" It's very apparent with myself, and lately (as in from late last year to this past month) I've had short enough spits of free time that this question wasn't thought about. Even when I did get free time in the form of weekends, I just evaded the question with social interaction, alcohol, or both at the same time. And, as you may guess already, I avoid it because the answer to it is, "No, but right now there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. So, let's not think about it."
But, there I was suddenly, with two weeks of free time on my hands. And, it wasn't vacation free time where I could further distract myself with fur cons and the like. It was just at home, where in most cases I just distract myself with YouTube or play smash until I'm tired enough to go to bed.
My social life, even online, is tied together with a few close friends and nothing more. Which is fine in most cases, but being stuck at home for awhile can get kind of grating. Most people I enjoy talking with were still working during this time, or otherwise lead busy lives general. This isn't a petty stab at those wonderful people that I'm thankful to get to talk to, even if it's not as often as I hope. This was more the catalyst, along with something else I'll get to in the next paragraph, that forced me to do some much needed introspection.
Before having this sudden free time my life was very structured. I moved in with one roommate in August/September, but even before then I still had the same job despite the transportation issues, and before that job I was just living somewhere else but doing the same thing (with no transportation issues back then). Which, I suppose is great for most people, including myself for over a year and a half now. The structure was basically work until a free day(s), then drink and be social on those free days. Either at people's houses or downtown, didn't matter all that much. And those moments were fun, but I feel like the first thing I can say with a fact was that those constant weekends muddled down my emotions and made me desensitized. Couple this with my generation already being so desensitized with everything going on in the world, and you get the act of pushing down your emotions so much that the way you process them is a hollow rendition of how you used to. And that's what I felt during those two weeks over something that I really shouldn't have. I know that's vague to say, but the point isn't what made me feel that way, it's that I felt that way.
I want to simply cast a wide net into a sea that has everything to do with my emotional issues, and pull in the giant word alcohol as if to blame everything on it.
But, that's kind of silly to think of it that way. I've been dealing with being overly emotional for so long that I'm kind of taken aback now that I feel like I don't show enough emotion towards anything.
So anyway, I felt pretty meh for those two weeks, but then I got to go back to work and mostly forget about things. Sadly my work cut everyone's hours to 30 and so even though I had potentially six hours of distraction, I really only had around 3 or so since things were, and continue to be, slow. So, back aboard the introspection train I went. At least, when I wasn't trying to distract myself with memes and whatnot. And, I guess by introspection I mean more chastising myself for not writing and less actual thought into why I'm feeling the way I do. Each day I kept trying to push myself to write, and some days it worked and those days I was at least not upset at my inability to enjoy any hobbies. However, most days I would get home and feel completely unmotivated, and just end up distracting myself until I could move on to the next day.
The past few weekends I've been trying to drink less. This is mostly because I felt that the chest pain and dry cough was the constant weekend drinking getting to me. And what do you know? It's been kind of helping. Unfortunately, this past weekend I only had three drinks, all of which were had 3 or so hours in-between. Despite not feeling all that intoxicated during the night, I still woke up with the same symptoms as stated before. So, guess were giving that up almost entirely. Which, in retrospect, probably needed to happen earlier than this. And, even during that weekend, I had the epiphany that I was already starting to drink earlier and earlier on the weekends just to make time go by faster. That's a spiral I really don't wanna see myself going down, so that's that.
It also sucks that tea, when I drink about five or so cups within 11 or so hours, I'll get stomach pain now. That might have to do with eating habits, and it's not like y'all are my doctor. So, I'll go ahead and stop with the health talk.
I did mention before that I did rekindle my friendship with some local friends. It honestly left me mad at myself and the way I selfishly perceive others and their online presence comparatively to their real life one. These couple people and myself have had a history in the past, and what it basically boiled down to was because they didn't text me I thought that they didn't care to talk to me. So, what's the point in pursuing a friendship when you're the only one holding it all together, right? Except I don't feel that way anymore. The same situation was played out to me recently (not entirely however, talking was going fine. It just stopped suddenly) and yet I don't find myself selfishly wanting to wholeheartedly devote myself to abandoning people I do care, or want to eventually want to care, about. Moreover, it always turns out that I'm honestly just an asshole that needs to learn that there's people who exist in this world with a small social battery. People who probably post memes that state, "Sorry I haven't texted back, I saw your message too late and now I don't feel like I can respond properly since I think you're mad at how long I'm already taking." Some people are better in person, and that's it. (I also might not be the greatest to talk to sometimes, but that's self deprecating and I have no way to really prove that unless someone tells me directly, which people have yet to do). The point here is basically, like most things, it's more like a spectrum and less black and white than what I had thought about when I first started talking with people online. I'm happy to at least realize that I've grown past that old mentality, but not entirely. I still kind of beat myself up unnecessarily the last time it happened.
That's mostly the month of April though. I'm still sad a lot, but I'm rediscovering my emotional outlets and allowing myself to indulge in them. I've taken to being more open with friends emotionally, and it's rather nice so far. I'm hoping to start at least writing things, no matter how dumb, and posting them here. Honestly it's probably the safest place to do so. The only way I know (afaik) if anyone sees it is if there's a comment. So, it'll stifle me using this as a means for instant gratification, which is something I also feel like I need. I thought about making a venting Twitter account, but the character limit would cripple me easily. So, here it is.
If you made it this far that means a lot. I apologise if there was barely any cohesion to any of this. I've been writing this on my phone, and I'll just be reading through it once before posting. I'm a relatively open book if there's any questions regarding any of this, but I'd much rather be sent a message on telegram ( bangaadragoon ) rather than discussing things here.
Here's to a better May everyone.
(Also forgot to mention that despite that sweet government money, my car somehow knew I had a savings and is now getting maintenance after it's check engine light turned on. This happened today, the last day of April.)
