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And yet another year has passed
5 years ago
Latest update
While I almost daily visit this site I barely ever make any posts on the journal.
Most of the time that I do it is when I have some new commissions to show to people but for the rest of the time I am pretty quiet.
To be honest I am not that interesting of a person. My personal life is well not worth talking about out other than that it feels very repetitive and that I feel that I have rather made a mess of it.
Sure I have dreams and ambitions but I also have a lot of issues and problems and those that I have talked with in the past know what troubles me. And part of the problem is my own personality.
I find it very difficult to be motivated for anything or when I try to do something I have the tendency to quickly get distracted or I become very frustrated because I feel I am not making progress towards the goal I wish to achieve. (something I bring up a lot in my PMs with people and something I am sometimes worried about is that I am testing people's patience)
I do want to work on the problem and I have been given advice in the past about it but none of it has really worked for me or I quickly fall back into old bad habits again.
Then it becomes rather cyclic; I hate my life because I feel I have accomplished nothing of noteworthy that I can feel proud of myself or show to people, but when I try to start on any project or learning effort I quickly loose focus or become distracted.
Part of it is uncertainty and doubt (especially because I feel that my age is has become an obstacle for any kind of change) and that I still have so much to go and there is no certainty that I will achieve what I want to reach. (yeah I am really goal obsessed)
One of my ambitions and sources of frustrations is my desire to be an artist, the drawing kind.
I have been on this for fifteen years (not continuously mind you as otherwise I would have made progress) and I still seem to be stuck in the opening phase which does really make me sad.
I still don't really know what I am making progress at and what the mistakes are that I am making.
Last year Racerdragon suggested that I started on a short story as just a practice project and while I have written some things I have yet to do any kind of prose story involving Cikyla or any other character I have made up myself (or fan fiction based on any existing character(s) )
I have not had any idea I really felt I could tell a story with or if I had an idea I find it very difficult to work out a complete plotline for. And then there is my frustration with my own lexicon which I find very lacking. (how to describe things so that people can visualize it in their mind's eye, or the text having a certain dynamism that makes it grab and hold the reader's attention)
I also do not know exactly what kind of stories I want to tell with Cikyla.
Well I would like to take inspiration from some of my favorite comic series in the present or in the past such as Tintin or Donald Duck when they are engaging in an adventure that sends them to distant places and look up the mystery and confront danger. Those are themes that really appeal to me and that is what I would like to do with Cikyla and other characters, her being this globe-trotting adventurer whose jobs or missions take her around the world.
But there are some difficulties with that.
I have been trying to think of various settings and themes.
My original theme was something like Hellboy and the BPRD, Cikyla and my other characters being these paranormal investigation agents that look into any supernatural and protect the public in general from it.
Thing is that I don't know that much about various countries' histories, cultures, and mythologies and that would be very important for something like this.
Another setting I have been considered is one inspired by Boktai, a favorite Gameboy Advance series of mine which is sort of a combination of Gothic Horror/Castlevania and Spaghetti Westerns.
My characters living in a world that is overrun by the Undead (not just zombies) with most people living in great cities that are almost isolated from the outside and various small settlements spread between them, sort of like Western frontier towns.
Cikyla and other characters would play the role of Gunslingers or Rangers whose job it is to protect these small settlements (the major cities are protected by the Church's army and the city militia/guards) from the Undead and their dark masters; the Nobility, people and beings who have given up their "humanity" in return for power and immortality, who wish to put the entire world under their control.
The world would be a sort of mix of early 20th Century/WW1 level of civilization and technology (though there are remnants of advanced technology from the past and some modern technology that is WW2 and perhaps beyond), magic and the supernatural, and gothic horror.
Still that does require some understanding of various cultures, mythology, legends and so on.
And then of course there is science fiction but I have a tendency to quickly think of Star Trek and Star Wars like settings when I much rather would like to go for something different.
In one video I watched about world building it was suggested that I should perhaps write something based on my own experiences, but I have nothing worth talking about because of what my life is like.
Plus some details have become unclear over the years.
Okay that becomes rather self pitying which is not my intention but I do not feel a lot of my own life is very inspirational to tell a story about, there is little meaning and purpose in it.
Now that video did talk a bit about why not to linger to much about working on details and at some point just start but that leaves me stuck with that I do not know what to start on.
Here is a link BTW, I found it interesting to watch; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2056pPqISQo
As for commissions, I have commissioned something from Shonuff44 I hope to post here as soon as he has made it but that might take a while
What commissions I have had made in the recent past are for my own enjoyment and I have my reasons why I do not put them online.
I don't want it to give me a certain reputation that may haunt me in the future at some point but it is also the type of feedback such uploads might get I do not really like.
People should not be worried that they miss out on much, by Fur Affinity standards it is pretty generic material.
I have in the past considered opening a separate account for these types of commissions or have the artists who made them for me put them on their own accounts but at the moment I prefer the current situation.
Most of the time that I do it is when I have some new commissions to show to people but for the rest of the time I am pretty quiet.
To be honest I am not that interesting of a person. My personal life is well not worth talking about out other than that it feels very repetitive and that I feel that I have rather made a mess of it.
Sure I have dreams and ambitions but I also have a lot of issues and problems and those that I have talked with in the past know what troubles me. And part of the problem is my own personality.
I find it very difficult to be motivated for anything or when I try to do something I have the tendency to quickly get distracted or I become very frustrated because I feel I am not making progress towards the goal I wish to achieve. (something I bring up a lot in my PMs with people and something I am sometimes worried about is that I am testing people's patience)
I do want to work on the problem and I have been given advice in the past about it but none of it has really worked for me or I quickly fall back into old bad habits again.
Then it becomes rather cyclic; I hate my life because I feel I have accomplished nothing of noteworthy that I can feel proud of myself or show to people, but when I try to start on any project or learning effort I quickly loose focus or become distracted.
Part of it is uncertainty and doubt (especially because I feel that my age is has become an obstacle for any kind of change) and that I still have so much to go and there is no certainty that I will achieve what I want to reach. (yeah I am really goal obsessed)
One of my ambitions and sources of frustrations is my desire to be an artist, the drawing kind.
I have been on this for fifteen years (not continuously mind you as otherwise I would have made progress) and I still seem to be stuck in the opening phase which does really make me sad.
I still don't really know what I am making progress at and what the mistakes are that I am making.
Last year Racerdragon suggested that I started on a short story as just a practice project and while I have written some things I have yet to do any kind of prose story involving Cikyla or any other character I have made up myself (or fan fiction based on any existing character(s) )
I have not had any idea I really felt I could tell a story with or if I had an idea I find it very difficult to work out a complete plotline for. And then there is my frustration with my own lexicon which I find very lacking. (how to describe things so that people can visualize it in their mind's eye, or the text having a certain dynamism that makes it grab and hold the reader's attention)
I also do not know exactly what kind of stories I want to tell with Cikyla.
Well I would like to take inspiration from some of my favorite comic series in the present or in the past such as Tintin or Donald Duck when they are engaging in an adventure that sends them to distant places and look up the mystery and confront danger. Those are themes that really appeal to me and that is what I would like to do with Cikyla and other characters, her being this globe-trotting adventurer whose jobs or missions take her around the world.
But there are some difficulties with that.
I have been trying to think of various settings and themes.
My original theme was something like Hellboy and the BPRD, Cikyla and my other characters being these paranormal investigation agents that look into any supernatural and protect the public in general from it.
Thing is that I don't know that much about various countries' histories, cultures, and mythologies and that would be very important for something like this.
Another setting I have been considered is one inspired by Boktai, a favorite Gameboy Advance series of mine which is sort of a combination of Gothic Horror/Castlevania and Spaghetti Westerns.
My characters living in a world that is overrun by the Undead (not just zombies) with most people living in great cities that are almost isolated from the outside and various small settlements spread between them, sort of like Western frontier towns.
Cikyla and other characters would play the role of Gunslingers or Rangers whose job it is to protect these small settlements (the major cities are protected by the Church's army and the city militia/guards) from the Undead and their dark masters; the Nobility, people and beings who have given up their "humanity" in return for power and immortality, who wish to put the entire world under their control.
The world would be a sort of mix of early 20th Century/WW1 level of civilization and technology (though there are remnants of advanced technology from the past and some modern technology that is WW2 and perhaps beyond), magic and the supernatural, and gothic horror.
Still that does require some understanding of various cultures, mythology, legends and so on.
And then of course there is science fiction but I have a tendency to quickly think of Star Trek and Star Wars like settings when I much rather would like to go for something different.
In one video I watched about world building it was suggested that I should perhaps write something based on my own experiences, but I have nothing worth talking about because of what my life is like.
Plus some details have become unclear over the years.
Okay that becomes rather self pitying which is not my intention but I do not feel a lot of my own life is very inspirational to tell a story about, there is little meaning and purpose in it.
Now that video did talk a bit about why not to linger to much about working on details and at some point just start but that leaves me stuck with that I do not know what to start on.
Here is a link BTW, I found it interesting to watch; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2056pPqISQo
As for commissions, I have commissioned something from Shonuff44 I hope to post here as soon as he has made it but that might take a while
What commissions I have had made in the recent past are for my own enjoyment and I have my reasons why I do not put them online.
I don't want it to give me a certain reputation that may haunt me in the future at some point but it is also the type of feedback such uploads might get I do not really like.
People should not be worried that they miss out on much, by Fur Affinity standards it is pretty generic material.
I have in the past considered opening a separate account for these types of commissions or have the artists who made them for me put them on their own accounts but at the moment I prefer the current situation.
