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Drama, Venting, and Confessions
5 years ago
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Hey guys, just a quick heads up. This journal is going to touch some controversial topics, ideas, and generally, be a bit of a slough to read, I understand if you don't want to read it, and accept your decisions. However, if you decide to cast judgment on me for anything said in this journal, I implore you to read the whole thing before you do so you will understand where I'm coming from.
Let's start with the confessions.
I have a mental disorder. (Shocking right? The fandom with a lot of depressed people and autistic people has someone with a mental disorder. Who'da thunk?) What disorder? Depression.
I have depression. Some days it doesn't affect me, and others it hits like a truck to the point where I want to curl up in a ball on my bed and cry until I die of dehydration. I've contemplated suicide several times and just have some really dark days. But no matter what, I kept going mainly because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the consequences of letting people know something was wrong. My family, I love them, but they're not the best when it comes to this kinda stuff. Chances are anything they would try to do would just make the problem worse. I won't go into details, because it's unimportant. Some of my friends do know about my depression, and others don't, this is mainly because my entire life people have been looking towards me to be their rock, a point to anchor themselves down on and know that things will get done. (An analogy would be Steven from Steven Universe Future, but less dramatic. People have issues and I just kinda... fell into being the person to come up with solutions and keep things going par the status quo whenever they break down and need to heal. Sure, it's not giant alien invasions, but it is stuff like being the Polyana when people go through their own depression or stopping people from killing themselves by talking with them or playing games with them, sometimes for hours.) Also, just because I have depression, doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing that. I'll still be people's friend and helper, but it's best to clear the air about this for what comes later in this post.
Alright, a second confession. I actually have two mental disorders. This one, I'm less certain about, but I'm pretty sure it's right. I'm a Sociopath.
Let me make something clear. There's a difference between Sociopaths and Psychopaths. Psychopaths derive pleasure from causing pain in others. Sociopaths don't feel emotions. Some people can be one or the other, some can be both, and most are neither. I am a Sociopath. I don't torture small animals for fun, I don't get pleasure from hurting others, I don't spend hours wondering what will happen if X person were to die. I don't feel emotions properly. 99% of the time, I feel a blank emotional state. Like nothing matters, and my emotions aren't valid. It's not good, it's not bad, it's just... existence. That said, I do occasionally feel something. I already mentioned my depression. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it lasts a whole day, sometimes several, and it's so bad, sometimes I forget to eat, or would break down if my family would let me. The next emotion I sometimes feel is anger, it comes, it lasts a few minutes, and is gone. It also takes a lot to actually make me that level of angry that it breaks through my general stoicism. When that happens... people learn fast not to cause it again.
I don't know if I've told this story here before, but it bears repeating. I get scary when I'm angry. I don't like myself when I get that way, and constantly hold myself back when I do so, this is augmented by the fact that after years and years of being bullied in school it takes a lot to get under my skin in the first place. I was bullied a lot in elementary and middle school. When I wasn't receiving death threats, I was getting the crap kicked out of me, called every name in the book, my stuff was stolen or destroyed, people would try to get me in trouble with teachers by giving me porn mags... one time a kid tried to force-feed me a pair of dirty underwear. If you can think of a bullying scenario, I probably went through it. Anyway, the last time I was bullied in eighth grade is also the last time I didn't hold myself back from my anger. That morning, in the span of one class period, I had my backpack and all my books destroyed by being thrown in the mud, my umbrella stolen and tossed over a fence so I couldn't get it, and getting punched and pushed around repeatedly by several of my classmates on the way to the second class. Somehow I managed to get there just after class was to start, it was a portable classroom, and the teacher was down the street going to the bathroom. One of the bullies, I forget their name, kept insulting me and making fun of how I was covered in mud. So I went to my desk near the wall. It's one of the ones where the chair is attached to the desk. I was so mad, I picked it up above my head, and tossed it across the room and just missed him, yelling at him to shut up. The desk landed just short of the far wall, and everyone learned it's not a good idea to antagonize me from that point onwards, rumors quickly flying about how I'm some kind of monster. I nearly killed him. I don't like myself when I get angry because I could lose control, so I work hard to prevent that from happening.
The final emotion I feel is even more fleeting than anger, and that's joy. It's very hard for me to feel happy. Very few things cause me to feel happy, and half the time, they fail to do so because either life gets in the way, or a nagging voice in the back of my head keeps asking "Is this real?" "Am I really happy?" "Why should I be happy?" I do get joy however from this. I get joy from being here, even if I never say anything, I'm usually online with friends just watching them do their thing. I get joy from drawing, and writing, and coding. I play videogames and sometimes they make me happy and sometimes they don't. It's a slot machine weather or not something will make me happy, but being here, drawing cute things, being with friends, it makes me happy, and no matter how fleeting, the pursuit of happiness makes this all worth it.
In a way, I want to thank you guys all so much for being here to give me that happiness. You guys really mean a lot to me, and I don't think I can ever truly express it.
Let's move onto the venting and drama.
Lately, several people have decided to try something very annoying, very tedious, and ultimately very ineffective on someone like me. Due to FA's code of conduct, I can't name names, nor will I, but this needs to be said, and hopefully it will stop.
So there's this guy. About a year and a half ago, he started harassing Grimm and me, and a lot of our close friends because he wanted free art. We denied him, blocked him, and he kept coming back under alternate accounts. He would rp the entire time, saying things like how he wanted to be Grimm's brother and have an "epic fight with him so we can be best friends that make art for each other". On top of that, as we found out more about him, we discovered he was a teenager, which suffice to say is more than enough reason to block him on its own. After about two months of him not getting the hint of being forceful, I decided to spell it out for him over on discord, even tried being nice to him. It was at this point he said he wanted his character to date Culania (who is/acts like they are 3 years old). I stopped being nice, called him a pedophile (which was later confirmed, but we'll get there), and went back to blocking his alt accounts.
Since then, every couple of months he's been trying to contact me again through his friends who don't understand the situation but say "He feels like crap for what he's done and promises to leave you alone if you accept his apology and unblock him." None of them realizing that he clearly hasn't changed if he's going to keep harassing me and spamming me every 2-3 months by going through a network of friends. I even gave him a couple of chances in the past to prove he's changed on discord, only for him to prove he hasn't.
On top of that, it was discovered he's part of a discord server with another infamous person and notorious pedophile, and that discord server shares child porn between members. I can't name names because of FA's rules, but this person who's server he was on is the same person who got a reputation for stealing money from people to commission specific characters to be drawn by Joe, and harassed Tato going so far as to make completely silent rant videos about Tato not drawing "Baby Cream in a diaper". Some of you have already pieced together who this shithead is.
Now here's the annoying part. About 3 or 4 contacts ago, this guy who harassed me and Grimm, decided to try a new approach. His approach? "Be my friend or I'm gonna kill myself." He's had several friends contact me saying he's planning on killing himself if I don't take his apology. This is the equivalent of him holding a physical gun to his head, and a metaphorical one to mine. If I don't be his friend, he'll pull the trigger, killing himself, and making me seen as the monster because I didn't want to befriend an underaged pedophilic asshole who doesn't understand I don't want anything to do with him.
If that happens, then I'm probably going to cut my losses and bail. I'll post the final VN, but you guys probably won't see me again. I'll be alive and fine, but you won't see me again because I'll want nothing to do with this fandom anymore. Sorry about that.
Now, do I think he'll do it? No. He's been threatening me with it for like 6 to 8 months now, and I'm pretty sure he's just guilt-tripping.
So now I'm posting this journal, defending my side, explaining the position I'm in because he's threatening me. Because his friends have also started threatening me, saying I'll be sorry for not accepting his apology. Some have started hate campaigns, some have made death threats. I'm just so done. I'm done with all this shit. I don't even hate him, I don't have the ability to feel such casual anger towards him. I'm just blank and want NOTHING to do with him. Guy, if you're reading this, please stop already. Guy's friends, if I've directed you to this, then please listen because it's the truth, and I'm tired of having to tell one of you this whole story every couple of months. He's not worth the time. Everyone else, thanks for your time and everything you've done.
I'm not a monster. No matter what people want to believe. I just... have limits. If you cross those, then I don't care anymore.
Let's start with the confessions.
I have a mental disorder. (Shocking right? The fandom with a lot of depressed people and autistic people has someone with a mental disorder. Who'da thunk?) What disorder? Depression.
I have depression. Some days it doesn't affect me, and others it hits like a truck to the point where I want to curl up in a ball on my bed and cry until I die of dehydration. I've contemplated suicide several times and just have some really dark days. But no matter what, I kept going mainly because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the consequences of letting people know something was wrong. My family, I love them, but they're not the best when it comes to this kinda stuff. Chances are anything they would try to do would just make the problem worse. I won't go into details, because it's unimportant. Some of my friends do know about my depression, and others don't, this is mainly because my entire life people have been looking towards me to be their rock, a point to anchor themselves down on and know that things will get done. (An analogy would be Steven from Steven Universe Future, but less dramatic. People have issues and I just kinda... fell into being the person to come up with solutions and keep things going par the status quo whenever they break down and need to heal. Sure, it's not giant alien invasions, but it is stuff like being the Polyana when people go through their own depression or stopping people from killing themselves by talking with them or playing games with them, sometimes for hours.) Also, just because I have depression, doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing that. I'll still be people's friend and helper, but it's best to clear the air about this for what comes later in this post.
Alright, a second confession. I actually have two mental disorders. This one, I'm less certain about, but I'm pretty sure it's right. I'm a Sociopath.
Let me make something clear. There's a difference between Sociopaths and Psychopaths. Psychopaths derive pleasure from causing pain in others. Sociopaths don't feel emotions. Some people can be one or the other, some can be both, and most are neither. I am a Sociopath. I don't torture small animals for fun, I don't get pleasure from hurting others, I don't spend hours wondering what will happen if X person were to die. I don't feel emotions properly. 99% of the time, I feel a blank emotional state. Like nothing matters, and my emotions aren't valid. It's not good, it's not bad, it's just... existence. That said, I do occasionally feel something. I already mentioned my depression. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it lasts a whole day, sometimes several, and it's so bad, sometimes I forget to eat, or would break down if my family would let me. The next emotion I sometimes feel is anger, it comes, it lasts a few minutes, and is gone. It also takes a lot to actually make me that level of angry that it breaks through my general stoicism. When that happens... people learn fast not to cause it again.
I don't know if I've told this story here before, but it bears repeating. I get scary when I'm angry. I don't like myself when I get that way, and constantly hold myself back when I do so, this is augmented by the fact that after years and years of being bullied in school it takes a lot to get under my skin in the first place. I was bullied a lot in elementary and middle school. When I wasn't receiving death threats, I was getting the crap kicked out of me, called every name in the book, my stuff was stolen or destroyed, people would try to get me in trouble with teachers by giving me porn mags... one time a kid tried to force-feed me a pair of dirty underwear. If you can think of a bullying scenario, I probably went through it. Anyway, the last time I was bullied in eighth grade is also the last time I didn't hold myself back from my anger. That morning, in the span of one class period, I had my backpack and all my books destroyed by being thrown in the mud, my umbrella stolen and tossed over a fence so I couldn't get it, and getting punched and pushed around repeatedly by several of my classmates on the way to the second class. Somehow I managed to get there just after class was to start, it was a portable classroom, and the teacher was down the street going to the bathroom. One of the bullies, I forget their name, kept insulting me and making fun of how I was covered in mud. So I went to my desk near the wall. It's one of the ones where the chair is attached to the desk. I was so mad, I picked it up above my head, and tossed it across the room and just missed him, yelling at him to shut up. The desk landed just short of the far wall, and everyone learned it's not a good idea to antagonize me from that point onwards, rumors quickly flying about how I'm some kind of monster. I nearly killed him. I don't like myself when I get angry because I could lose control, so I work hard to prevent that from happening.
The final emotion I feel is even more fleeting than anger, and that's joy. It's very hard for me to feel happy. Very few things cause me to feel happy, and half the time, they fail to do so because either life gets in the way, or a nagging voice in the back of my head keeps asking "Is this real?" "Am I really happy?" "Why should I be happy?" I do get joy however from this. I get joy from being here, even if I never say anything, I'm usually online with friends just watching them do their thing. I get joy from drawing, and writing, and coding. I play videogames and sometimes they make me happy and sometimes they don't. It's a slot machine weather or not something will make me happy, but being here, drawing cute things, being with friends, it makes me happy, and no matter how fleeting, the pursuit of happiness makes this all worth it.
In a way, I want to thank you guys all so much for being here to give me that happiness. You guys really mean a lot to me, and I don't think I can ever truly express it.
Let's move onto the venting and drama.
Lately, several people have decided to try something very annoying, very tedious, and ultimately very ineffective on someone like me. Due to FA's code of conduct, I can't name names, nor will I, but this needs to be said, and hopefully it will stop.
So there's this guy. About a year and a half ago, he started harassing Grimm and me, and a lot of our close friends because he wanted free art. We denied him, blocked him, and he kept coming back under alternate accounts. He would rp the entire time, saying things like how he wanted to be Grimm's brother and have an "epic fight with him so we can be best friends that make art for each other". On top of that, as we found out more about him, we discovered he was a teenager, which suffice to say is more than enough reason to block him on its own. After about two months of him not getting the hint of being forceful, I decided to spell it out for him over on discord, even tried being nice to him. It was at this point he said he wanted his character to date Culania (who is/acts like they are 3 years old). I stopped being nice, called him a pedophile (which was later confirmed, but we'll get there), and went back to blocking his alt accounts.
Since then, every couple of months he's been trying to contact me again through his friends who don't understand the situation but say "He feels like crap for what he's done and promises to leave you alone if you accept his apology and unblock him." None of them realizing that he clearly hasn't changed if he's going to keep harassing me and spamming me every 2-3 months by going through a network of friends. I even gave him a couple of chances in the past to prove he's changed on discord, only for him to prove he hasn't.
On top of that, it was discovered he's part of a discord server with another infamous person and notorious pedophile, and that discord server shares child porn between members. I can't name names because of FA's rules, but this person who's server he was on is the same person who got a reputation for stealing money from people to commission specific characters to be drawn by Joe, and harassed Tato going so far as to make completely silent rant videos about Tato not drawing "Baby Cream in a diaper". Some of you have already pieced together who this shithead is.
Now here's the annoying part. About 3 or 4 contacts ago, this guy who harassed me and Grimm, decided to try a new approach. His approach? "Be my friend or I'm gonna kill myself." He's had several friends contact me saying he's planning on killing himself if I don't take his apology. This is the equivalent of him holding a physical gun to his head, and a metaphorical one to mine. If I don't be his friend, he'll pull the trigger, killing himself, and making me seen as the monster because I didn't want to befriend an underaged pedophilic asshole who doesn't understand I don't want anything to do with him.
If that happens, then I'm probably going to cut my losses and bail. I'll post the final VN, but you guys probably won't see me again. I'll be alive and fine, but you won't see me again because I'll want nothing to do with this fandom anymore. Sorry about that.
Now, do I think he'll do it? No. He's been threatening me with it for like 6 to 8 months now, and I'm pretty sure he's just guilt-tripping.
So now I'm posting this journal, defending my side, explaining the position I'm in because he's threatening me. Because his friends have also started threatening me, saying I'll be sorry for not accepting his apology. Some have started hate campaigns, some have made death threats. I'm just so done. I'm done with all this shit. I don't even hate him, I don't have the ability to feel such casual anger towards him. I'm just blank and want NOTHING to do with him. Guy, if you're reading this, please stop already. Guy's friends, if I've directed you to this, then please listen because it's the truth, and I'm tired of having to tell one of you this whole story every couple of months. He's not worth the time. Everyone else, thanks for your time and everything you've done.
I'm not a monster. No matter what people want to believe. I just... have limits. If you cross those, then I don't care anymore.
This little punk who has been pestering you sounds a lot like a little punk from my old Diapered Cartoons Website. He kept breaking the rules, he whined all the time, and I just hated talking to him. After I shut the site down, he continued pestering me on youtube and deviant art. I just kept blocking him. One of his friends had the nerve to say he was concerned about my mental health because of this, so I showed him the rudest message this punk sent to me and he changed his tune. There was even a time when the punk's sister said I wasn't being a nice person for suspending the punk from my site. I should have told her to piss off too.
This little punk pestering you, just remember that you are not the bad person, he is. All he wants is attention, and you have the right not to be friends with him. He probably is just bluffing about the suicide thing, and on the off chance he did do it, regardless of what his brainwashed cultists think, it's not your fault, it's his.
As for the guy. I know who exactly you're talking about and its going to be mean to say this but if he does it then he does it. You're not responsible for his actions, you don't have to cater to his wants or need. He's obviously trying to get you to break but again, if he even does go through with it, its not your fault whatsoever and just shows how cowardly this person is to even do that over a damn picture.
Hang in there dude, don't let people like that get to you, fools are not worth your time when you have better things to do.