"Im to depressed to go on, you'll be sorry when im gone" that part of Adam's song by blink-182 has been stuck in my head for a few days now.

I'm sure everyone is sick and tired of me moaning and whining. But I do this mostly because it feels good to let it all out even if no one wants to hear it. I had a really horrible experience with the psychiatric emergency room yesterday. I had a pretty severe depressive episode where I honest to god didnt wanna live anymore. So I decided to go to the emrgency room to get help. When I got there, there was about 7 people in the waiting room, 2 couples (a couple and a mother and son) and then 2 women and an elder gentleman. After handing in my id and waiting to answer some initial questions i keept cathing this 17-ish year old kid staring at me. Now im used to people staring when I go out in goth clothes but this time I got pissed off for some reason. I honestly wanted to tell him to fuck off, I didnt want people staring at me (and laughing) when I was in such a vulnerable head state. Anyway after about 30min I got to meet a nurse and answer some initial questions (why are you seeking care etc etc) she then told me there would be a bit of a wait time because they had alot of patients that night. As I sat in the waiting room a man came in seeking help. I didnt think much about it to begin with but he kept pacing around and couldnt sit still for longer periods of time. Eventually he went into the bathroom and threw up several times. He talked to the staff several times telling them he didnt feel to good and that he needed help. Their response was "maybe you should go to another emergency room" which I felt was quite rude to say to someone. He then said out loud in the waiting room "I should have just jumped you get no help here". That didnt make me feel any better it only made me feel worse, like I would never get any help. Eventually after almost collapsing on the floor they let him in to get help. I had been in the waiting room for almost 3 hours at that time. After another patient left because of frustration and older lady came in. She hadnt slept in days and was in very bad shape, she asked the couple how long they had been there "since 8:30" they said...it was now 04:00 in the morning. They had been in the waiting room for almost 8 hours. I was there for a total off 4h 30min. At about 04:45 in the morning I knocked on the door to the reception and told them "im going home" to which their response was basically "okay good luck". What the actual fuck. I have never been treated so poorly by a medical proffessional before. Ofcourse I had lied and told my mother I felt better so I could go back home and sleep. In truth I didnt feel any better I was still as depressed and suicidal as I was when we came in.

All I wanna say is that this is not okay. You shouldn't have to wait 8+ hours to get psychological help.

anyways I feel better today. Still a bit melancholic about my upcoming birthday in a month and 10 days. Mostly because of a stupid promise I made myself when I was 10 years old. I promised myself that I would give myself to the age of 25 to get my shit sorted and to move out of my parents house or id end it. Now its a bit over a month left and im no where close to having my shit sorted or moving out of here. But im not gonna get into why I dont wanna live with my parents (I have a whole journal about that and also we'll be here all year if I have to summ it up again).

anyway to end it the way I opend it with a quote.

"I couldn't wait to get home to pass the time in my room alone" - Blink-182