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12/06/20 "I was so close"
5 years ago
General
Caution this jorunal contains subjects of: Suicide and depression and medical help if you are triggered by any of these subjects then I urge you to shut this journal down and go on with your day. Anyways thanks you in advance for reading this.
So this might seem like a cryptic journal title but I didn't wanna name it something else just to draw attention to it because what im going to talk about im not proud off. Friday the 12th of june 2020 at around 01:30 at night I was out walking,wandering...crying. I was on the phone with 112 (the swedish emergency number) I was so sick and tired of feeling numb and I knew that I needed help. So I called that forbidden number and the call went a little like this.
"112 whats your emergency"
"Im suicidal"
"And where are you"
"im in ****** outside of stockholm"
"what do you want us to do?"
"I dont know send the police or something....im scared"
The phone call went on as they directed police to find me and when they finally found me I was driven in to St:Görans psychiatrical hospital. Now im my experience the only way to get help there is if you arrive with police or ambulance. Anyway we arrived at about 02:30 and I had my possessions taken and locked inside a locker. I knew the routine so I went and sat down on the gurney in the hall. Meanwhile the police made a status report to the nurses working and after that they wished me luck and left. I sat around in the hall for about 30-40 minutes making small talk with a nurse asking them if they had re-painted recently (they had). Eventually I got shown into a room where I got to sit and wait another 15-20 minutes for the doctor to come. When the doctor came we talked for a little while and I told her that I was really not doing well. She asked me what kind of help I wanted and I told her I didn't know. She asked if I had tried medications before and I told her ive tried suprexa,lergigan,abilify,citalopram and more. I told her I'm currently on two anti-depressants and that I have emergency medication that I had taken but it had done nothing. So she said "well what do we do then?" I told her I had no idea and she told me "you look to be doing better so we're going to send you home" and that was that. I was told that if I had any issues to come back in. I asked them if I could get a sick journey home as I had no money and couldn't afford a taxi. They told me that they don't do that anymore. And they told me to call my parents and tell them to pick me up. So I did. I called my mother around 10-15 times and this was at about 04:20 in the morning. No response so I started to wonder if they were ignoring me. Because I had phoned my brother when I got into the hospital telling him to tell my mother that I was in hospital so that she would know. I tried my brothers phone...nothing. I had now been kicked out of the hospital and had no means of getting home. I couldn't even afford a subway ticket. So I did what my brain told me was rational I started to walk. I was now wandering around Stockholm at almost 05.00 in the morning. I was in good spirits for a while I went on my merry way whisteling to myself and trying to keep spirits up. After walking for a while I saw it. A highway bridge and my brain told me to walk the other way but I just kept on walking.
After about 10-15 minutes I stood up on that bridge cars roaring by looking down at the ground a good 20-25 meters down. Without even thinking about it I started to climb the railing. But something stopped me. I got back over on the right side of the railing again and just broke down. I started crying cussing myself out for being a coward. Before I knew it someone was calling out "hello". I looked around and saw ambulance personel standing a few meters away. After having slowly made their way over to me they convinced me to get into the ambulance and talk to them. They drove me back to St.Göran and left me there again. An hour later I was released again.
This is the closest I have ever come to death. Just one slip and it all could have been over. And the worst thing is no one would probably ever know what I had done.
This is that when I stood up on that bridge there was a flash of something. For a split second my brain screamed at me "remember all your friends" and "remember what she said" that latter is probably what saved my life. Now im not going to go into detail on what that last one means im just gonna say that someone said something very meaningful to me recently and I don't think I can ever thank that person enough. That one comment was literally the difference between life and death.
Anyway I would like to say that im back home and back to normal but that isn't the truth. I can't stop thinking about it. But I have decided on one thing. I WANT to live no matter what my brain screams at me sometimes. And I will fight to carry on until my time comes. It will get harder but it will also get easier. And I dont wanna be another statistic.
Anyway lastly I want to say Thank you. To everyone on this site and on twitter that has made my days brighter wether it is with comissioned art or just by
talking to me. You all are proof that we can make a difference in the world.
So thank you for saving my life.
So this might seem like a cryptic journal title but I didn't wanna name it something else just to draw attention to it because what im going to talk about im not proud off. Friday the 12th of june 2020 at around 01:30 at night I was out walking,wandering...crying. I was on the phone with 112 (the swedish emergency number) I was so sick and tired of feeling numb and I knew that I needed help. So I called that forbidden number and the call went a little like this.
"112 whats your emergency"
"Im suicidal"
"And where are you"
"im in ****** outside of stockholm"
"what do you want us to do?"
"I dont know send the police or something....im scared"
The phone call went on as they directed police to find me and when they finally found me I was driven in to St:Görans psychiatrical hospital. Now im my experience the only way to get help there is if you arrive with police or ambulance. Anyway we arrived at about 02:30 and I had my possessions taken and locked inside a locker. I knew the routine so I went and sat down on the gurney in the hall. Meanwhile the police made a status report to the nurses working and after that they wished me luck and left. I sat around in the hall for about 30-40 minutes making small talk with a nurse asking them if they had re-painted recently (they had). Eventually I got shown into a room where I got to sit and wait another 15-20 minutes for the doctor to come. When the doctor came we talked for a little while and I told her that I was really not doing well. She asked me what kind of help I wanted and I told her I didn't know. She asked if I had tried medications before and I told her ive tried suprexa,lergigan,abilify,citalopram and more. I told her I'm currently on two anti-depressants and that I have emergency medication that I had taken but it had done nothing. So she said "well what do we do then?" I told her I had no idea and she told me "you look to be doing better so we're going to send you home" and that was that. I was told that if I had any issues to come back in. I asked them if I could get a sick journey home as I had no money and couldn't afford a taxi. They told me that they don't do that anymore. And they told me to call my parents and tell them to pick me up. So I did. I called my mother around 10-15 times and this was at about 04:20 in the morning. No response so I started to wonder if they were ignoring me. Because I had phoned my brother when I got into the hospital telling him to tell my mother that I was in hospital so that she would know. I tried my brothers phone...nothing. I had now been kicked out of the hospital and had no means of getting home. I couldn't even afford a subway ticket. So I did what my brain told me was rational I started to walk. I was now wandering around Stockholm at almost 05.00 in the morning. I was in good spirits for a while I went on my merry way whisteling to myself and trying to keep spirits up. After walking for a while I saw it. A highway bridge and my brain told me to walk the other way but I just kept on walking.
After about 10-15 minutes I stood up on that bridge cars roaring by looking down at the ground a good 20-25 meters down. Without even thinking about it I started to climb the railing. But something stopped me. I got back over on the right side of the railing again and just broke down. I started crying cussing myself out for being a coward. Before I knew it someone was calling out "hello". I looked around and saw ambulance personel standing a few meters away. After having slowly made their way over to me they convinced me to get into the ambulance and talk to them. They drove me back to St.Göran and left me there again. An hour later I was released again.
This is the closest I have ever come to death. Just one slip and it all could have been over. And the worst thing is no one would probably ever know what I had done.
This is that when I stood up on that bridge there was a flash of something. For a split second my brain screamed at me "remember all your friends" and "remember what she said" that latter is probably what saved my life. Now im not going to go into detail on what that last one means im just gonna say that someone said something very meaningful to me recently and I don't think I can ever thank that person enough. That one comment was literally the difference between life and death.
Anyway I would like to say that im back home and back to normal but that isn't the truth. I can't stop thinking about it. But I have decided on one thing. I WANT to live no matter what my brain screams at me sometimes. And I will fight to carry on until my time comes. It will get harder but it will also get easier. And I dont wanna be another statistic.
Anyway lastly I want to say Thank you. To everyone on this site and on twitter that has made my days brighter wether it is with comissioned art or just by
talking to me. You all are proof that we can make a difference in the world.
So thank you for saving my life.
You need to figure out a battle plan to keep yourself safe ok. It's sometimes so so hard to just get thru he day. It's a struggle and it can be such a surprise when you get there....just one day at a time ok. Oh and maybe talk to your doc about your antidepressants as they're clearly not the right ones for you.